Tranquil Chaos

rambling new year thoughts

2012-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

So this may be a bit morbid, but the other day my nephew posted this photo on facebook. Its my father's headstone, from his recent visit to the cemetery. When I saw it there, with his very sweet message of love for his grandfather I felt exposed. raw. wounded. My soul clawed frantically for coping mechanisms, escape, anything to avoid actually feeling the sorrow and pain that comes with remembering my Pop. I don't know if you can see the dates clearly but Pop died in 2004. He's been gone 8 years this May. To be totally torn open like this shocked me. It feels excessive, unduly overwhelming. I've been pondering my reaction for several days, trying to make sense of it.
Then last night my dear friend gave part of our church's message; she talked about looking forward to what God will do this year, and about being honest about our hopes and desires and needs as we move out of 2011 and into 2012. I am not a resolution maker, but her words hit my heart like an arrow. She asked us to think of what type of year we wanted, what word or words we wanted to describe our journey. One word filled my mind. Healing. I want so badly for this year to one of healing and new growth and health. There are a lot of reasons for that, but as I sat there sorting through my mind I realized that even after 8 years I still need healing.
Pop was not an easy man to love, nor an easy father to have but he was the only one God gave me. I am still angry and hurt that He saw fit to take him back so soon. My dad never met my children--never even knew 'Kid was on the way since I didn't know myself until after his death. He never saw them crawl or walk or laugh or taught them any of the things he taught my nephew. He never took the trip we had planned to see his Mother overseas, the one I missed to give birth to 'Boy. He missed so very many things that make my life the joyous chaotic tangle it is now. He wasn't there to comfort me when I lost 2 babies to miscarriage, or when we buried his brother and his sister. He isn't here now for me to call if I'm uncertain about my parenting or to ask for advice.
All those missed experiences, missed memories, make the anger and hurt grow. I try to corral it with trite sayings about time easing pain and how Dad is in a better place. I try to tell my kids about their granddad and enjoy their delight in silly stories. But in the end, I feel like the wife in a book I read who simply wants her husband back so she won't give away his shoes because he'll need them when he returns.

And yet somehow I can live with joy and love and contentment still. The hope I feel for my own kids does ease my heart and gives me peace in its own way. Maybe that's part of the answer, the love that keeps growing around and through and over the hurts. Like a vine that won't stop for any obstacle the love just worms its way in and keeps building. If I were an artist I'd sketch that, a big lovely flowery vine lacing together wounded hearts and souls with its green tendrils. Maybe if healing is my word, that can be my image this year. To help me remember that even if the wounds seem untended the master gardener is always coaxing new growth and new loves to soothe and repair and re-build. I'll have to remind myself a lot this year. To remember to watch carefully for new shoots in unexpected places to help me grow.

Am I crazy?

2011-12-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my mind. Do you do that? I'd like to believe other people, especially Moms, feel that way fairly often. It would make me feel less weird and more included. :)
It should be said that there isn't really anything crazy going on in our house right now. I mean, nothing beyond 7 people and a 90 pound dog in 1400 square feet with 1 bathroom. And preparing for Christmas. And helping Bill figure out what he wants to do when he graduates in May. And trying to teach the kids to love God and behave with a modicum of respect and kindness to each other and to us. When I put it like that I guess I can see why sometimes other people look at me strangely. Honestly though, so much of the time I just think "what's the big deal folks? this is my life, I don't spend time pondering how I will ever manage to care for all 4 kids because I'm too busy actually taking care of them. And Bill. And the dog. And Bob. And even myself sometimes. Do I get tired and frustrated? Regularly. Do I lose my temper over silly things more often than I'd like? Yes. That's because I, like most people, am not perfect. That used to really really bother me. I'm mostly over that now; don't misunderstand me I still spend more time than is probably useful berating myself over my shortcomings. Just not about not being perfect.
Anyway what I was trying to say was that while I sort of get why my life may look more complicated or crazier than some, I don't really understand why people act as though I am somehow heroically competent or strong or whatever just because I have several kids. I'm just a regular Mom, trying to keep everyone fed and marginally clean and reasonably adjusted. I don't shoot for well-adjusted, just basic adjusted.
I would, however, really like to spend more time on some hobbies. I feel like a few good creative projects would be therapeutic for me. But that's probably another post entirely. Have a good day.

It has been too long.

2011-11-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

I have been very tired lately, and unable to find the drive to write even so much as a recipe. We have had all manner of events causing higher than usual amounts of upheaval and stress and I am learning that maintaining my equilibrium during these seasons is exhausting for me. To wake up each day and manage to engage with my kids, and keep them fed and clothed is often all I can do. No extra cleaning or phone calls to friends(even when I desperately need a chat!). No extraneous errands or duties of any kind. I simply cannot do it. I don't know why, since nothing that has happened has really been so horrendous. Crazy and unexpected yes, but not really so bad in the grand scheme.

Bob was laid off a few weeks ago, which was unsettling; but he will get some severance pay and has already found a new job which is better on several fronts. And our bank account was hacked into, but they didn't get much money and we've already been refunded and they chose one of the only days in months when stealing from us wouldn't push our balance into the negative numbers. And these 2 things together, along with some other timing issues does mean I won't be able to take a trip I was really hoping to take. I am sad to miss it, but I do believe the past few weeks were a clear sign that now is not the time for me to go on this particular adventure. Plus the baby wouldn't have done well with me gone for so long and that would mean Bob and the other kids wouldn't either.

I am learning a lot about myself right now though, and that is sort of tiring too. Things like this amount of change really really drains me emotionally and I need to be extra careful to intentionally continue pouring into my kids. If I don't consciously choose to interact with them I find myself turning on the tv for hours and ignoring their bickering and cries while I aimlessly surf the internet or even just watch with them. It is no way to live and I have to fight that urge constantly. Because honestly, the energy I seem to require to process changes like these seems ridiculous to me. So I am still trying to sift through the cobwebs and cyclones of my mind to understand where the shifts have happened and what they mean for me as I move forward.

I just feel like I ought to be stronger somehow, more able to soldier on and accomplish things. I thinks it is bizarre and a bit irritating that rather than nervous energy that makes me obsessively clean cupboards or write or do something productive, I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself. Just sit. Or maybe nap a little. What does it say about me that I covet this specific brand of compulsion, even though I know so many folks who find it suffocating to live that way?

I have no idea. But I will keep processing and trying to discern what it all means and praying and maybe eventually I'll figure out a few useful tips to share. It could happen right?

I think this may be pretty disjointed and hard to understand; that is probably because my mind is feeling disjointed and difficult to understand right now.

A little rambling, just because

2011-10-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I got to spend the afternoon with my oldest friend. By oldest I mean longest-standing friendship. I have literally known her since I was 2. We hadn't seen each other in 7 years and I was shocked when she came up my sidewalk. I barely recognized her, this dear friend I used to see nearly every day for nearly 17 years. She looked so . . .old. I feel horrible even saying that; it sounds like such vanity and ridiculousness. My dear friend is my age and does not really look older than our 33 years. It was just that in my mind I see the teenagers we were, not the women we are. It was a jolt for me to immediately recognize her husband(whom I didn't meet until he was already in his mid-twenties) and to look at her and think "That can't be her can it? Much too mature." Ack.

That day after we had lunch I came home and looked in the mirror. Truly looked, and tried to remember my face as she must have been remembering it that morning. This may sound crazy, but I still usually feel like that loud, clueless, hyper, un-controlled young woman from 15 years ago. Despite the 4 kids and a decade of marriage and all that living I've been doing it still shocks me to think that my children, and people I meet now only see me as I am now. It doesn't seem strange to them for me to be a mother, or a wife or a homeowner or whatnot. It doesn't seem strange because they too are mothers and fathers and spouses and employees. They drop their kids at school and work and live like adults too. It made me wonder whether other people are surprised by their own maturity sometimes too? The strange-ness of imagining all of this struck me as hilarious. So I laughed and stopped staring in the mirror and went back to my life.

Then I had a conversation with a dear friend about how certain lifestyles "feel" more aligned with how we are designed by God, and how that pulls at both of us when we get a taste. She had been with some friends at an apple orchard and got a glimpse of a more rural, earthy life than she lives. Since we're both from more rural settings originally, I knew exactly what she meant. I live in a fairly large city, and the lack of open space and silence and overabundance of cement often chafes my soul. I miss cornfields and hay bales and empty fields I could wander through without worrying about trespassing(because I knew ALL my neighbors) or crime or safety. When I think of my kids looking back at their childhood one day, it makes me sad to think they may not have memories of building dams in little creeks or endless space to build forts and have adventures. Their lives will be different. Not bad, just different and sometimes it makes me wish things in our life were different.

Such is the wandering state of my mind. How about you?

Today is Friday

2011-09-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

I think I will start doing some themed posts just to keep me writing. So since I so often hear 'Thank God its Friday' or TGIF, I think I'll use this as an opportunity to focus on what else I can Thank God for. How can I end that sentence without a preposition? It must be possible, but I can't figure it out.

Anyway, I am thankful for a visit with some wonderful relatives today who always make me feel like supermom.
I am thankful that Bob is on a fishing trip with a friend with whom he has been trying to plan a fishing trip for years.
I am thankful its a weekend trip and not something longer, so that I can avoid losing my mind at home with the children.
I am thankful my baby sleeps so very very well. Such a wonderful blessing to have (finally) a good sleeper.
I am thankful 'Boy is working so hard at learning self control, even though he doesn't really want to learn it at all.
I am thankful God is teaching me so much about my own need for self control, so that I can share that struggle with my wonderful son.
I am thankful Baby Girl(not the babiest anymore, but I can't decide on a new pseudonym) only stuck corn in her nose and not something more dangerous.
I am even more thankful our incredible doctor was able to shove said corn out the back of her nose into her throat, since it was in too far to pull out.
I am thankful for how well 'Kid reads, even though he's only six. Books are such treasures, I am excited to share more of them with him as he grows.
I am thankful for a quiet house and control of the remote this evening.
I am really, really thankful for the gift my brother sent us yesterday, because a box of fish is just a totally amazing gift. Have I mentioned how much I love food? I am an eater, not a fighter.
I am thankful my kids think a dinner of mac-n-cheese with bread & jam is perfectly acceptable and don't give me guilt trips over not preparing something more balanced.

That's quite a few things to be thankful for, and now I must go treat the sore throat for which I cannot honestly say I am at all thankful.

A new favorite quote

2011-09-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today I read this quote from Lowell Bennion over at The Frugal Girl and it is my new favorite reminder to guard my thoughts and shepherd my own soul to the extent I am able.

“Learn to like what doesn't cost much.
Learn to like reading, conversation, music.
Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking.
Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills.
Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different from you.
Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction of doing your job as well as it can be done.
Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs.
Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things.
Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day.
Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others.”

That last line is echoing in my head right now and I hope to keep it there awhile. Anyone know how one learns to keep their wants simple?

Please read and give what you can!

2011-09-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

http://thecharisproject.org/

This is a truly amazing organization and I wholeheartedly support what they are trying to do for refugee children in Thailand. They need money now to continue caring for those kids and to reach their goal of the orphanage becoming self-sustaining and therefore not need money later. It really isn't that much cash in the grand scheme of things, and as Carrien(one of the Charis Project founders) keeps saying, if 700 people give $10 that's all they need. I know how tight things are for most people right now, but I also now that even those of us on the tightest of budgets could probably find $5 or $10 dollars to share with such a wonderful cause.

Please visit their site and give if you can. Please. They run the risk of forfeiting some land they bought last year if they can't raise enough money. Losing the land means they also lose multiple opportunities to begin supporting themselves through agriculture and various businesses.

Thanks.

2 posts for today!

2011-09-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to post twice!! First of all a short, but emphatic note to any and all readers to share with your friends and family.

I have 4 children. They are all younger than 7. Yes I am aware where they came from and what caused their existence. Yes they all have the same Dad. And YES FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY I KNOW I HAVE MY HANDS FULL!!!!! They are a lot of work and I stay quite busy each day loving and clothing and feeding and teaching and otherwise caring for them. I do that for a reason, and it isn't so that strangers in the street can make inane comments about my life. It is because I believe my children are one of God's most precious gifts to me and to Bob, from our loving creator. It is because I actually like my kids and value them as people. It is because I have lived through the loss of 2 of my unborn children and that ache makes me aware of how blessed I am to have 4 healthy children to care for each day. Furthermore, I do not feel any need to justify their existence to you, a stranger in the park or the grocery store. Bob and I happen to have 4 kids, and I really couldn't care less if you think that is too many or too few or just plain crazy. They're ours and we happen to think they're pretty great.

So kindly keep your infernal and incessant opinions and pithy remarks to yourself and let me get back to raising my children.

Thank you, I am done ranting now. I feel much better.

hitchhiking on someone else's idea

2011-07-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a video about marriage, posted by a fellow blogger. She's a wise woman who thinks complicated issues through with a clarity I admire. The part that stood out to me was(paraphrased): "If you see marriage as a way to get your needs met, you will be disappointed. You have to learn to view marriage as a life of service."

Wow. Not that I didn't know that, but honestly wow. Serving others in any fashion isn't exactly a hot trend here in America, so to hear this about one of the most fundamental relationships in society is jarring. But I needed to hear this today, in this season. To be reminded that the important, relevant thing is to serve and not seek to be served. To hear that other people know how difficult this can be, when life is crazy and things feel topsy-turvy is a wonderful thing to hear. To know that my own needs, while important, should not be the focus of my life is as freeing as it is subversive. Sometimes I think my biggest problem in finding satisfaction or fulfillment(2 horrendously over-used jargon words I dislike using) is that I seek it out in all the wrong places. Rather than complain no one notices how hard I work, I should be noticing how hard others work, especially Bob and the kids.(yes all that playing kids do is hard work! But that's another post entirely)
Rather than resent people who seem to have it easier, I should try to help those who have it harder and see their struggles as opportunities for me to be Jesus to a hurting world. This kind of behavior does not come naturally to me; I admit it. I like to get my way and have things work out according my own plans and timelines. I don't enjoy struggles or un-met wants. I don't like when people who love me call me on my own shortcomings--especially if they're right.
But that is probably the point my blogger friend is making. Marriage--or life in general as this post seems to have become about--isn't supposed to be about giving me what I like or even what I want. It's supposed to be God's way of providing for what I need and growing me into the person He created me to be and helping display his extravagant love for us to the world.
Huh. All that from a few sentences on an 8 minute video. who knew?

ps the video can be seen here: http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2011/07/husbands-are-not-accessories-plain-talk.html

Anyone?

2011-07-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who finds the "western" pursuit of more-ness exhausting? More money, more stuff, more leisure time, more excitement, more money and stuff. It all just makes me overwhelmed and sad and irritated and tired somehow. I suppose this is what makes me feel so constantly out of place in my own culture, which in itself can be exhausting. Honestly though, how many of us really need more of anything? Adding another person's belongings to our house, tiny though they are (little one being a baby and all) seems to have exacerbated my already tense relationship with our possessions and pushed me to the point of wanting to simply throw out or give away large portions of our household. Especially clothes and toys and shoes. Our shoes reproduce on their own when I'm not looking, I'm fairly certain. Even, on my more desperate days, books! Generally speaking I have a borderline obsessive connection to my books and therefore never want to be parted from them. Ever. Even when we've moved and the boxes they're in are insanely heavy. Books make my life feel complete. I hope to find a balance, and some motivation to actually get rid of a few things to ease the crowded state of our home.

Sigh. The "problems" of american life. Ridiculous no?

2011-07-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

I need to post more, because it would mean I am writing more. Only whenever I think of something I want to say I am not able to sit down and write it, and then later I can no longer remember what I wanted to say.

I am in the midst of some tough emotional struggles right now, made worse by my still being smack dab in the middle of post-partum mood swings. I feel as though I spend nearly as much energy each day to drown out the lies that seem to appear in my head at every turn as I spend on my actual life. And lately--for some reason I cannot really identify--anytime more than 2 noises happen at once I begin to shut down. Sometimes I literally begin to freeze up physically and have to force myself not to cover my ears and hum to drown it all out. This does not make it easy to live in a house with 3 ridiculously verbal and articulate young children, a baby who cries occasionally, a husband who finds silence stifling and tends to fill it with loud music or games that include screaming children, and a teenager who isn't really all that loud but turns the volume up on every. single. thing. always. no matter what. I'm not sure what that's all about but it is frustrating and moderately inconvenient.
On the plus side I have noticed I am finally after nearly 30 years of work making progress on controlling my horrendously quick temper. I catch myself remembering to stop and breathe deeply and slowly in and out before I answer a child, so that my answer isn't ground out between clenched teeth or shouted out angrily as though said child has done something life threatening. Usually it is more along the lines of "Mom can I have more cereal?" or "Mom, if batman was a bad guy and fought Superman, who would win?" Thus not things that ought to elicit rage. Except, you know for the weird auditory overload thing.
Onward and upward, as my mother used to say.

A quote I must ponder:

2011-06-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

"our brokenness is what our art is made of, that when we show our wounds, others will reveal theirs and in that authentic space, art is made where a wounded Savior is revealed" quoted from: adailyportion blog.

This is still not my birth story post.

2011-06-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

Now the photos I promised: Baby & Little One, because they're beautiful

Lately I have been really struggling to overcome myself, to get out of my own way. It can be very frustrating for me to be constantly stuck with, well being me. As a wife and Mom and as our family's main housekeeper, I tend to be very lazy and selfish with my time. Why scrub the kitchen tile when I could watch a little tv during nap or waste time on facebook? So my house gets messier and messier and then suddenly I am living in a disaster area and the idea of cleaning it all up is so overwhelming that I just don't. I don't even try a lot of the time and I don't like it. For a long time I have made excuses based on our life circumstances; I've been pregnant or nursing or mourning a miscarriage for a minimum of 9 months of every year since 2004. Pregnancy is rough on my body and the emotional toll of various other things in our life plus being an introvert while being a Mom to very extroverted children are not small things I can just toss off.

Still.

Still I wake up so often and hear this little prompt in my head saying "maybe you're over-doing the whole I'm too tired thing". Generally I have squashed that voice like a bug and happily continued stepping over and around the heaping piles of toys and laundry and dishes that pile up. Overall I actually stay at least partially caught up on dishes and laundry purely by necessity(tough to eat and leave the house if you have no clean forks or pants) but months have often passed between toilet scrubbings and the floors get so crunchy and full of dirt we all just wear our shoes to keep from feeling the crud. Now that I have typed that sentence I am ashamed of myself, because that's just pretty gross. And unsanitary from a parenting perspective. And just icky. Wow.

So now that I'm completely embarassed, and all my readers(both of you!:) are mentally vowing to never set foot inside my house again let's move on shall we?

At any rate the whole point of all this is that since 'Little One'(aka my youngest child) was born I have been feeling pushed to do more, be better, set a more industrious example to my little tribe of future adults. I have no idea how to accomplish this but I am trying. And really trying, not just pretending I tried and it was too hard. Little One is such a delight and a blessing to us, she just fills my heart with light and joy and makes it tough for me to justify whining about a cleaning my kitchen or wiping down my bathroom. So many people would love to have a house full of babies, if it meant they could be parents. Or get back what they've lost. So many have to worry about whether their water is safe enough to drink or clean with, or whether there's any food to even cause dirty dishes. There are just so many things that could so easily be so much worse or more difficult. Maybe its time I stopped slacking off and starting living like I notice how blessed I am. If my pastor is right, and living from a place of joy is based first in my own choices then now is the time for me to choose. So I am working on choosing gratitude and contentment and resisting my instinctive tendency toward anger and indolence.

I have no clue if this will last or be a successful endeavor. I'd really like it to be though; I think I will find much more satisfaction if my days are spent actually doing something than when I just sit around grouching at my kids for interrupting my computer time. Plus my kids won't get lost or crushed under mounds of unfolded clothes.

I haven't forgotten I have a blog

2011-05-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Although it may seem that is true, I promise it isn't. However since my last post we have had: 1 brother visiting for roughly 12 days longer than I thought were planned--and he brought a 2nd houseguest; 1 precious baby girl born 4/20; 1 completely insane 4 day weekend in which we travelled to the east coast with all 4 children and Bill to watch (and participate in) Bob's little sister's wedding; 1 'Boy with a broken elbow. This last actually occurred during the insane weekend, although we didn't know it was broken until after we got back and brought him to the doctor. There were doctor's visits, x-rays, splinting and casting last week. Ahh the joys of parenthood. Boy is a trooper though, so he is doing well.

I will write out our birth story for this littlest one of ours soon. And maybe the other kids too, just so I don't forget. I may or may not include some photos, we'll see.

That's all for now.

This week

2011-03-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

All 3 boys have spring break. Kid and Boy were offered the chance to go to a basketball camp at no charge through Bob's job. He signed them up; I was not thrilled at first. I thought it would mean I'd have to rush around each morning getting them ready, just like for school and it sounded exhausting.

Then only yesterday or the day before, I realized it really means that Baby and I will have all morning long to hang out and relax and rest! For 5 consecutive days!! Today was delicious, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be too. As the time for little quattro girl to be born gets closer, I find myself more and more loving quiet days where I may not accomplish many tangible tasks but at least I don't feel wrung out by mid-afternoon and dread the rest of the day. The slower pace can chafe my fidget-y soul but it is good and necessary for my mental and physical health and for Quattro's. It is a true gift and I am loving it.

The other amazing thing is that last night Bill offered to volunteer with the camp the boys are at and forego sleeping in all week. I was shocked he'd even consider hanging out for 3 hours a day with a bunch of little kids instead of doing what teenagers love to do--sleep for hours and hours on end because they can. He seemed like he had fun when I picked up the little boys so I am glad he's getting out of the house and enjoying himself. He's a sweet kid and I need to remember that more often.

May anyone reading this have a blessed and restful week, like mine is shaping up to be.

Since last time . . . .

2011-03-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

We have been sick. Baby & Bill each took a turn at a nasty vomiting flu week before last, and this last week has seen poor Kid with a high fever and bad cough which lead to nasal congestion which lead to an ear infection which lead to his eardrum rupturing. Poor little guy is just so tired of feeling lousy. Boy has been sort of up and down with acting like he might come down with something one day, but being fine the next. Thursday and yesterday he had a high fever and was super lethargic but hasn't developed much else besides a runny nose. We are praying he stays healthy, because I came down with bronchitis & a sinus problem and Bob's long standing cough has returned with more fervor. I have been nearly useless since Wednesday evening which, as a Mom, is quite frankly infuriating. This morning I thought I felt a little better, so I tried to do a few things. Literally maybe 3 things around the house after I had showered and given the kids breakfast. (Today was Bob's turn to sleep in, in an effort to allow us both extra rest & healing) By the time he got up around 9, I had to nap in our recliner for nearly an hour because I was exhausted, short of breath and borderline feverish. Ugh.

In general I don't stay sick very long. If I can get one good day of rest with a long night's sleep most illnesses just don't stick. Except that I'm pregnant; I seem to forget how much that can effect my body's ability to cope somehow. When I went to the doctor(2nd visit from our fam in 2 days thank you very much) he took a look at me, squinted a little and said "Where are the reinforcements at your house?"
I laughed a bit sarcastically and told him Kid was still sick and Bill had school. He didn't seem to see the humor but I figure when I'm this ill and my kids are ill and needy and Bob had some things he simply couldn't leave undone at work, then all I can do is laugh and keep trying. Such is life when you have no family nearby and all your friends have kids of their own who they don't want to expose to your sicknesses. I got some delightful prescriptions and Bob not only came home early that day, he worked from home all day Friday just so I could lay around wallowing in my respiratory issues. In spite of all this, I am working hard at being thankful so I will list some things I am grateful for today.

I am thankful for prescriptions that are readily available and seem to be working. I am thankful for children who see hours of tv viewing as a special treat they'll sit still to watch. I am incredibly thankful that unborn baby is still healthy and kicking up a storm despite my current wimpy weakness. I am thankful for the prayers of friends who love us and stand beside us during rough weeks. I am thankful for beautiful spring like weather and an adorable flower girl dress for Baby at a sale price. And I am especially thankful to hear that a dear family member is safe and sound with his lovely wife in Japan. I pray for those in need there, and for those who are not safe and sound and able to call their family to reassure them.

Things I learn from my 6 year old.

2011-03-04T09:55:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had to apologize to Kid at bedtime. I had been impatient and harsh with him all during dinner and the time leading up to it. I told him I was sorry I let my frustrations get the best of me and that I would try to do better tomorrow. His response melted my tired, grumpy heart and left me humble before his graciousness. "It's okay Mommy, that's in the past. I love you." Followed up with a giant hug and an extra I love you.

"And a little child shall lead them." Indeed.

Sometimes I wonder

2011-02-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

Some days I am so glad to have my life. We are, in truth, so very blessed. Our children are healthy and bright and know we love them. We have a home and food and Bob has a job to keep those things going. Kid loves school and he's getting a great education. Bill is doing well. Unborn baby is strong and growing on schedule. Our friends are amazing and we have a wonderful community to support us during times of stress. The list could go on, but I'll stop and get back to my point.

Some days I feel so blessed and honored by our life. And then something inside me chirps "But is this it? Isn't there more to God's plan than health and comfort and simplicity of daily life?" And I stop and ask myself, is there? I don't know. I hope so, because despite our conventional life I am dreamer and I dream of so many things. Things that seem more eternal that a lot of my life right now. Things that aren't sweeping my kitchen floor or folding laundry. Things that don't involve 20 minute conversations about who cuts my friends' hair and why they like him/her. (Not kidding, 20 minutes on hair. I had nothing to say.) Things that help my kids see how many other people exist in this world who need to know we love them, or help getting healthy or even just food and a bed--or even better, things that actually provide those items to the folks who need them. Things that MATTER. Bob and I both dream a lot about the hows and whens and whys of working toward those things; I hope someday we can do more than pray about them.

I keep thinking we're almost to a place where we'll have unused energy and time to do more concrete work on things I see as "externally eternal". Things that aren't "just raising kids". I know raising our children and caring for their needs is incredibly important, even holy, and yet there are days I feel as though we don't do anything else. At all. Ever. So I keep hoping the kids will be in a stage that might give us more flexibility in our schedule, or our finances will even out a little and give us more ability to give to worthy causes, or I don't know exactly what would change but something. So far we have not reached that place. With little unborn baby on the way we probably won't anytime soon either and I find myself . . .ambivalent. I am so excited to meet our little girl and have one last "tiny baby" set of memories. I am also a little frustrated and unsure about how adding another needy little person to our family will change the dynamics. I wish I had more time to myself, and yet I wish I was less selfish and more gracious in how I give my time as a mother. I just can't quite understand what God is whispering to my heart. I do feel He's trying to get a message through though, which is at least a little reassuring. Being confused is better than feeling overlooked or forgotten. I'm going to keep listening and see if it helps. Its a pondering, listening kind of day.

Heaven on Earth

2011-02-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

On Friday morning I sent Bob a text asking him to help me think up some strategies for my sleep issues. Mostly right now my main issue is that Boy wakes up by 5:45am most days, and if I am up in the night with any of the kids, his early start is just more than my pregnant body can handle. I don't actually do all that well with his wake up routine even when I am not pregnant, but that's another post. I feel like a zombie--a cranky, mean hearted zombie who may or may not yell at her children just for acting chipper and awake at 6:15. Its no fun.

Anyway, I sent Bob the text and his response totally blew me away. Out of the water to a mountain far from the seaside. Instead of any number of expected answers, he said I had been needing a break anyway and promptly booked me 2 nights in a nearby hotel to hide from our children and sleep without interruption. I have already basked in the 2 nights and 2 days of rest and come home again and I am still in shock. His only instructions were not to spend more than a set amount on my food and entertainment(which is only fair), and that if I "started freaking out about paying for this he would go 'ape sh#t'" He's a wonderful man, have I mentioned that?

One result of this truly glorious reprieve is I suddenly feel able to hope for a less chaotic future, and continue functioning almost normally amidst the current disorder for awhile more. Another is that I feel like I've actually slept for the past 2 nights, which hasn't happened in 6 months at least. Plus I got the added bonus of a few hours to hang with my dearest friend, whom I have known since college and rarely get to talk with when there are neither children nor husbands around. Altogether this was a much needed and divine gift for which I am more grateful than mere words can ever express.

I have to repeat that Bob is quite possibly the most amazing man ever born and I am blessed to be his wife.

Addendum to yesterday

2011-02-11T08:14:00.001-08:00

Re-reading my post about stuff I noticed I left out an important layer of my current state of mind. I ponder all these things, this dissatisfaction with the muchness of my life simply because I so often wonder whether Bob & I are missing the boat on God's desires. I believe God loves to see us doing what we love, and using the gifts and traits He gave us to serve Him and the world. Parenting young children requires us to sacrifice time and resources we might spend on any number of other worthy pursuits. That can be hard, but I believe this age when my kids are little is precious and important and so I am usually ok emotionally with putting off things I love for a few years to care for these little ones I love even more. Usually. But sometimes I wonder whether if I could just get a little better handle on some of my daily tasks, there wouldn't be time for me to pursue a few things I love even now.

If I could pare down some of our junk, would that make cleaning easier and quicker so I could improve my sewing? (a hobby I wish I could be better at, and do more often) Or if our grocery menu was more intentionally planned, would there be extra money in the budget for some much needed car maintenance, thus easing tension for Bob & I and giving us freedom to focus on loving our kids?

Overall I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by the natural state of chaos we seem to live in, and am trying to sort out if there any ways to create just a tiny bit more order.

Now I am in full pregnancy rambling mode so I should stop. :)

February is not my favorite month.

2011-02-10T12:56:00.001-08:00

We live in Colorado. It is winter. While it is true that we do not live in the mountains and thus our winters are much more temperate and manageable than my childhood home in the upper mid-west, I still struggle with cabin fever. The last 2 weeks have been cold and snowy. With most days below freezing and a lot even below zero. I can handle cold when necessary, and this winter has been so hard in other areas of the country that I try not to complain. I was doing really well until about yesterday afternoon. The funny thing is what has me most irritated isn't the weather and the way it coops us up in the house sometimes. No, I am annoyed by my stuff. The sheer oppressive volume of our possessions is so overwhelming to me right now I could vomit. We are not a couple who buys a lot of stuff either. We splurge sometimes and our kids have several hundred toys because they have a lot of extended family to spoil them, but honestly we don't buy much besides food and diapers on any kind of regular basis. And yet everywhere I look I see things. Toys. Clothes. Computer equipment. Tools. Dishes. More Clothes and toys. Cars. Bikes. The list could go on an embarassingly long time. I know we are blessed beyond measure to live in a basically snug, safe home with enough of the essentials to go around. I know this. I tell myself this multiple times a day because I feel guilty for despising so much of what so many people would give anything to have.

But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.

Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.

Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.

The Birthdays

2011-02-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

Kid and Boy are exactly 2 years and 3 days apart. The end of January is thus a time of moderate frenzy as we try to make 2 separate days special despite the close dates. Friday was Kid's 6th birthday. He is 6!! I, like all parents, am still in shock my firstborn is so big. He has his first loose tooth now too, which only makes him seem even bigger. Boy turned 4 on Monday and was very excited to "finally" have his birthday too. Watching Kid have his day first is agony for Boy because he knows his is so soon but just not quite yet. I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things about each of my little men, similar to the birthday letters I've seen on other blogs.

Kid:
You, my firstborn son are a delight to me. Every time you learn something new and unexpected I am amazed. You figure things out so quickly it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. Your brain is so filled with ideas and plans that sometimes you talk nonstop for hours(literally) if we can find the patience to listen. I promise to keep searching for more patience about that, because the hurt in your eyes when we ask you stop talking is so hard for me to bear. We love you so much, and your exuberance and love for new challenges fills our house with energy and joy and noise and pure awesome-ness. You love to choose things that are just a little above your current skill set, and then you are so proud when you master them. It helps me stay motivated to try new things, even when they intimidate me. I think your whole being must vibrate with energy of every kind 24/7, because you so rarely slow down. You even talk in your sleep. I hope we can help you maintain your enthusiasm for learning and for life as you age, because it really is a rare gift. Thanks for being our very own superhero, and the leader of our little gang of offspring.

Boy:
Your gentleness is my favorite trait. You are so sensitive and sweet and affectionate, even though you are a "big boy" now. It is nice that you still love snuggles and to be carried and held as though you really are still a baby. The smile you give when Daddy or I tell you "No matter how old you get, you'll always be our 'baby'" is so precious. You are a quieter, deeper thinker than Kid and it is a lot of fun to see what plans and ideas you hatch in your adorable little head. You love to go along with your big brother's games, but I know you have your own ideas too, and when you share them it is usually hilarious. Or disturbing. Or hilariously disturbing. You are a very early riser which I admit is a struggle for Daddy and I, but I think some of your best thoughts and conversations are when we make room in our foggy brains for your morning energy and just listen. You have a persistent streak like no one I have ever met. I promise to always do my best to channel that persistence in a healthy direction instead of squashing or demeaning it. It will be such an asset to you when you're a man, I just want to nurture it. You like your alone time and to play sometimes by yourself. You love being able to help take care of Baby, even now that she is big enough to be a nuisance sometimes. You don't always like change and you have no trouble letting us know it; Mommy is like that too, so I try to be understanding. You are our very own Wonderboy and I am so glad God made you the way He did.

Our boys have been such crazy little blessings. Bob and I are in awe of them and their zest for life. May God always give us the strength to parent them well, and teach them to love freely and well.

A new outlook to ponder

2011-01-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday during our worship gathering our pastor said something I cannot get out of my head. "We are responsible for our own joy." It is a quote from somebody, but I didn't catch the name. The whole point of the quote--or at least from my perspective--was that joy shouldn't be situational if you are a believer and follower of Jesus. The reality of God's grace and forgiveness and love are meant to be things that fill us with JOY regardless of our daily circumstances and challenges. He mentioned how often people come back from mission work or humanitarian aid trips saying "the people have literally nothing and yet they're so joyful."
Rather than use this sentiment as a means to activate our guilty conscience though, last night was about discovering the cause for that difference. And encouraging us all to work harder at cultivating that joy. We didn't get asked for more money or to volunteer at a fundraiser; we were asked instead to draw near to the God of the universe and live joyfully. He mentioned how much he hoped we could all learn to do this, because he feels certain a community of otherwise "normal" people in our city living in manifest joy would be transformational to our city.
It is the kind of idea that I love to savor and chew on awhile, and then apply somehow. I'll get to work on the chewing but feel free to share your thoughts on how to apply it.

Today

2011-01-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

Today is Wednesday. Boy has his preschool this morning, so it is just Baby and I and she is napping. She's a delightfully good little sleeper which we truly appreciate. Today we ran few errands after the boys were off to school; she got tired and just said 'Nigh Mama. Nigh.' Then she put her adorable little thumb in her mouth, hugged the stuffed hippo that is her favorite snuggly toy and went to sleep in her carseat. Her brothers were not so willing to give in to nap at this age so this is a lovely change.
Overall I am constantly amazed at how different her approach to the world is from Kid & Boy. Bob and I often wonder which differences are just because God made her a different person than they are, and which ones are only because she is a girl and they aren't. I am a firm believer that some types of differences are gender based, no matter what "experts" say about the whole nature/nurture argument. I hope as she grows up we can encourage her to enjoy her femininity without forcing her to fill any specific role. So far our sons are very masculine little people, but still able to express their emotions and be sweet, gentle, and a host of other traits often associated with girls. I pray the reverse will also be true for Baby.

I also pray it will be true for her baby sister once she joins us in the outside world.

Just as an update

2011-01-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas and New Year's are over. School has restarted for Kid, Boy and Bill. Baby talks a lot, and mispronounces just enough things to be hilarious. Baby #4 is healthy and kicking like mad. She is the first of my unborn children ever to let the doctor listen to her heartbeat without chasing her around my belly first, which I enjoy. We have no idea what to name her. At all. Which is unusual for us, as we tend to like too many names rather than the reverse.

I am feeling decent this pregnancy, but exhausted nearly all the time and I get short of breath with little or no provocation which can be frustrating. We are so thankful she is healthy and so far there are no major complications.

Bob finished a big project over the holidays and I am thrilled he is done! I am hoping to start a few projects of my own soon and I like knowing he isn't mid-task on something too.

We got a new Bible for the kids and I am really enjoying reading it to them each day. Let's hope the truths it shares stick in the their little hearts.

That is all I can think of for right now. Enjoy your day--if anyone actually reads this thing.

Thankful

2010-11-25T07:07:00.001-08:00

This year I have many things to be thankful for, and since I have been woefully undisciplined in posting for the gratitude community I thought I'd write about some of them. First, since I haven't officially said so here yet I will be thankful for our 4th child, due in late April. Our fall has been a whirlwind of change and transitions so finding out we were pregnant was quite a surprise. Bob and I took a little while to get used to it, but with each doctors visit where the baby is healthy we get a little more excited. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on my body so I am also thankful that so far it hasn't been nearly has tough as we have come to expect.

I am so thankful that school is going well for all 3 of our school aged children (I include Bob's kid brother in that number, since he lives here and all). Kid and Boy both love their teachers and have made new friends and learned things and are growing by the minute. I am thankful for 2 mornings each week to spend one on one with Baby, who loves the extra attention and is just so cute Bob and I can barely stand it. Also for her entering the stage where she learns new words every day and is so excited to have us understand her better with each one. My girl is a delight and we are thankful she is part of our family.

I am thankful for 'Bill' my kid brother in law. He is a great guy and watching him interact with our kids is so much fun. Plus he and Bob get to hang out a lot, which is so sweet to me; the age difference means they haven't lived in the same house since Bill was very young and they've missed each other.

I am thankful we have enough food to eat and a warm house to sleep in each night. And for little boys who still want to come snuggle their Daddy & Mommy in the mornings when they wake up, even though they're getting so big.

I am thankful for a husband who works hard every day to provide for us, and still wants to play with his kids and talk to his wife when he gets home. I am thankful for the stupendous man Bob is, and for the opportunity to share my life with him.

I am thankful for snow in the mountains, and our plans to play in them this winter.

I am thankful for Kid and Boy and their ridiculous boyish energy. They never stop, and while that can be exhausting they are so smart and funny and adorable and goofy that I cannot get enough of them.

I am thankful for my family and friends who are wonderful and crazy all at once.

Today, I am just thankful. Its a mindset I plan to cultivate more in my life.

Of Secrets and Love.

2010-10-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Someday, I hope my writing is as clear, heart-rending, relevant and insightful as this woman's.http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/why-tell-secrets.html She is wise and kind and I cannot fully express my gratitude to her for revealing some of her wounds. This particular post pierces my heart more than most, because the bonds of secrecy and the poisons they instill run deep in my soul, my past, my family. I have often been admonished or rejected or shamed by loved ones who are threatened by truth and by confronting secrets. But I really hate the "secret life". I always have, and it has always been a sticking point within my family. I don't really understand why so many people find truth so terrifying; to me the terror sets in when I contemplate preserving the lies. Yet their terror is real and because I love them I try--sometimes--to fight my nature and maintain their secrets to ease their fears. We have collective secrets because we are a family, and while our wounds run deep the love is deep too.
I struggle with the balance between the gracious but somewhat shallow love I know they want, and the honest love I see they need. It can feel like a tightrope act and is often exhausting. I pray I always find the energy and strength to push through the exhaustion to find more love. God never runs out of love, and surely these loved ones of mine deserve to see that. I know I do.

The new chapter

2010-09-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

2010-09-21T11:13:00.001-07:00

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.

educational whirlwind

2010-09-01T18:55:00.001-07:00

Today Boy started preschool. He was so excited to finally be included in the wonderous world of "school" like Kid. He already has a plan for which toys and games he'll play with first when he goes back on Friday. It is beyond adorable to watch him drink in this new experience. And I am thankful for his enthusiasm; typically Boy isn't too keen on new places, especially if they don't inlclude Mom and Dad. He still gets upset sometimes being left in Sunday School and he's been with the same teachers and other children for nearly 2 years. Now its true his preschool is located in the same building as Bob's job so Daddy will be literally right down the hall. Still, he took some big steps toward "big boyhood" this morning. I am so proud of his little round headed self I can't stand it.

Kid is already a seasoned kindergartener and loves it. LOVES. IT. Yesterday the class went on a 3 hour hike and I didn't hear one complaint about tired feet or bugs or having to carry his own water bottle. I may nominate his teacher for sainthood on these facts alone. My little adventure lover is in his element and I am so thankful he can go to this school.

Baby is still a baby and I get to keep her home and snuggle her a little longer. That is exciting too, because if the past week has taught me anything it's that my Grandmother was right. They do grow up so fast.

Spinning out some thoughts

2010-08-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

I posted earlier about how lately my brain feels jumbled and crowded with lots and lots of thoughts about things. Too many thoughts to sort and post all at once, but here is one I need to process by writing about it. I attend a playgroup with some dear friends once a week. I've known some of the mothers for year--since before we were even Moms--and I love them. They are dear, Godly, intelligent, beautiful women and we support each other in this absurd and wonderful journey through motherhood. And yet sometimes I just feel like an alien trying to decipher the codes of a foreign culture. Last week the subject of children's clothes and dressing them came up and I was at a loss for how to relate to anything they had to say. One friend said her 5 year old daughter is really into doing her own hair; I was thinking that sounded like fun to watch when she continued with the following. "But of course she has no idea what's she doing, so it always comes out looking terrible and I just can't let her go out in public like that."
Me: But is she proud of herself once she's done?
Friend 1: Rolls eyes affectionately at me. Yes, Kate she is. But she looks ridiculous and I can't stand it.
Friend 2: I know! I can't let my husband dress our son or he'll just be a mess.

Me: Friend 2, your son is 2 years old! Do you honestly think people care what he's wearing? Even Friend 1's 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.
***I have to be honest here, fashion and matters of social etiquette regarding clothing are not my forte and I tend to ignore them except for special occasions. I shoot for clean, without holes or ugly stains and children who are independent enough to dress themselves each morning. That being said, these women are women I admire and genuinely like and respect so I try to understand their perspectives on things I'm less than versed in; still, I was saddened by their responses.

Friend 1(with another exasperated sigh) Kate, you just don't understand. People will tease her, looking like that. Other kids will make fun of her.

Me: You really think 5 year olds care about fashion? Enough to mock someone? And Friend 2, you honestly believe there are adults judging you because your toddler doesn't "match"? I just don't think that's true.

Both of them responded that yes, they do indeed think other kids notice because THEY would notice and say(or at least think) something so surely children would too. And as far as random strangers they both felt people definitely would view them negatively as mothers if their child doesn't follow the norm. It made me sad. And angry. And confused. I stopped talking and let them finish the conversation without me because it was clear I'd have nothing of value to them to add. Situations like this always leave me feeling left out, freakish even. Being the misfit in a group is not new to me, but it still stings a bit. Especially amongst close friends. I don't LIKE to feel like an outcast; like my thoughts and beliefs make me somehow other, somehow less valuable than they.

Is it so crazy to believe that small children, as a rule, are more interested in someone's actions than their attire? That rather than be unkind to a little girl with an unusual hairstyle they might be intrigued and ask how she did it? Or that most people in a supermarket or on a sidewalk wouldn't even notice if my son wears a striped shirt with his plaid shorts? It doesn't seem like it should be so laughable an idea. Or if it is, shouldn't we work at changing that in ourselves and our children? To help them learn to gauge a person by their actions and their character and not their appearance? My friends are(generally speaking) strong, smart capable women who want their children to love God and grow into adults who serve him well. I just can't quite sort out how strong fashion sense and a desire to conform to trivial social norms simply to avoid the possibility of a rude remark fits into those life goals.

Now maybe I'm naive and it will be quite obvious to everyone that I am wrong here. It has happened before(many times:) and if that's the case I'd love to hear why. Frankly, it would be much easier if I am wrong. Then I could just adjust my own point of view and fit in nicely with my surroundings. Fitting in is just so much simpler and less tiring. But if I'm not, if what's actually true is we need to teach our children to think less about how other people think of them and more about how God thinks of them, then what? What should I have said to these friends to reach the heart of the issue without being judgemental or being blown off? What should I say to my own kids when they ask questions about fitting in or being teased? Tact and diplomacy are not my best skills so any advice would be welcome. This is an issue I think I'll be trying to work out for awhile.

So many tumbling thoughts.

2010-08-23T09:54:00.001-07:00

I feel lately like my brain is a dryer on tumble. So many different ideas and thoughts and feelings tumbling around all day. I can't seem to straighten them out. I hope to find time in the next week or so, as I enter an exciting new phase of motherhood: school age children! Kid started kindergarten this morning and its an all day program. Boy starts preschool 2 mornings a week next week. This means--drumroll please--I will have 2 mornings each week with just Baby! I love the idea of more one on one time with both my youngest while Kid gets to enjoy the new challenges and structures of a classroom. I know many of my fellow bloggers have taken on home-schooling and I love that idea for some part of our life. For right now though, Kid needs extra stimulation and challenges from someone outside our home, and I need some time to rest. Kid is a constant cyclone of energy and needs verbal feedback a lot. I love his curiosity and desire to learn but I think lately I've either been neglecting Boy and Baby to attend to his questions or neglecting Kid to attend to Boy and Baby. So this year I am looking forward to re-gaining some balance as a Mom.
I have more to say but no more time to say it.

The FAM

2010-07-04T21:27:00.001-07:00

So the thing about me is, I come from an enormous family. Seriously. My extended family is practically its own country there are so many of us. If only I were exaggerating a little. And I have to say that I LOVE it. Its true Thanksgiving can be a bit chaotic when 50 of my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses and children sit down to dinner, but we make it work. And yes, sometimes we argue, or people fight or so and so isn't talking to thus and such because large families, like junior high, have drama. That being said, I cannot explain how much I enjoy showing up at a house full of people I haven't seen in months--or years, or sometimes ever before in my life(more on that later)--and being welcomed and hugged and helped with my active children and told to eat anything that looks appealing. I love to eat, and family gatherings always include food. We are an eating group; in fact I'm pretty sure this month we are single-handedly supporting the grocery and liquor economy of a certain suburb of St. Paul, Minnesota.

I should back up a bit and give some backstory here. First and foremost, my paternal Grandparents were each 1 of 6 siblings, and were devout Catholics. Thus, Nanna and Grandpa had 12 children, and most of their siblings had 5 or 10 more. Once you add up all the kids in my father's generation from both sides of his family you get something like 82 offspring. And a large number of those 82 offspring grew up and got married and had a least a few kids of their own, and now we kids are having kids, and the numbers are truly getting a bit ridiculous. Aside from the sheer size we have a few other quirks that make us unique. For example about 70% of these people still live in and around the St. Paul, Minnesota area. This means that unlike a lot of folks, I can recognize and name large groups of my 2nd and 3rd cousins. Even some 4th, if there is such a title. We see each other often enough that we can chat about jobs and kids and uncle Whoosit that did something crazy at the last family wedding. So geography and reproduction have worked together to create the perfect storm of and Irish/Polish version of the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Its fun. And insane. But mostly fun.
The other thing about my family is this: Nanna is hard core. When Grandpa passed away in the 1960s, she was left alone with no marketable job skills and 8 of her dozen children still living at home. She had her husband's pension to live on, but postal workers didn't exactly break the bank in those days so it didn't go very far. Did she move back in with her mother? Sign up for Welfare and Food stamps? Plead with her priest for help from the benevolence fund? Nope, not my Nanna. Instead, she packed up her kids and moved to Perth. As in the western coast of Australia. The far side of the planet from here. The currency exchange was in her favor at the time and she felt American culture was turning away from the values she held dear. So off they went, and they've mostly stayed there ever since. So I have 15 or 20 cousins here in the states, and the 20 or 25 more in the land down under. It can be sort of bizarre to hear updates about cousins I've never met, but a lot of them have made trips to see us and someday Bob and I will pack up our kids and go visit them too. We're having a reunion this summer and a bunch of them have travelled here to see us for several weeks. Its a good time.

So anyway, these days Nana is 93 and still lives on her own. She generally enjoys good health, still has all her marbles and her own teeth and goes along swimmingly. She has a lot of support from my family there, and takes it easy when necessary. She has built a life there and seems to be happy. But this year is different; this year is the 2010 family reunion and it is happening in Minnesota. So what does she do? Well she buys a ticket and packs a bag and traipses off the America to oversee the proceedings of course!!!

This woman amazes me. I cannot tell you how incredible I find her and her life. She has outlived her husband by more than 50 years, her twin sister by nearly 20, and 2 other siblngs as well. She moved away from her entire family to another country all alone and made a successful life for herself and her children. She has buried 3 of her children, one of whom lived with her at the time of her death. She is currently dealing with the decline of one of my aunts, who has alzheimers. There are countless hardships and struggles that could easily have made her bitter or crazy or just plain killed her. But she is still kind and and loving and laughs a lot. She gives her family as much time and prayer and support as she is able and it amounts to a lot. This week she was actually hospitalized during her visit for an infection that had us all worried but came home to my uncles house a few days later and was just as independent and stubborn as ever. She remembers names and faces of her grandchildren and their spouses and her great-grandchildren. (that amounts to about 80 names and faces, in case you were wondering) I am in awe of her. She is a force of nature, and I am so thankful her illness wasn't more serious and she will be with us a while longer. The reunion wouldn't be the same without her and neither would I. I need to write several more posts about all the goings on but first I have to sleep and then get up with my children in the morning. I'll do my best to keep you posted, assuming anyone ever reads this thing.

Gratitude Community

2010-06-14T18:47:00.001-07:00

I am way behind. Here is a list of some truly amazing things in my life right now.

Our re-financing happened. Smoothly and with better results than we had hoped for.

Baby is nearly walking, and loves to show off her new skill.

Kid is suddenly more affectionate. Hugs and Snuggles are a real gift from him.

Bob is finally working on a project he's been wanting to start for months. It makes him happy.

We had a few days of rain, and now the sun is out again.

My brother is visiting and he's just lots of fun.

Baby is a delightfully impish little thing. She makes me laugh.

Boy is happy and safe and not traumatized by some sad events in his life.

Boy and Kid are playing together really well.

It smells like wet, freshly rained on grass outside.

I like my life.

Dear Unnamed Parent

2010-05-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Parent of the child who recently harmed my son,

Please do not take it personally that I will not be returning any future calls from you. I have to keep 'Boy* safe, and I don't think you'll help me. Please also do not pretend everything is okay with your child when his actions clearly state the opposite. 5 year olds don't act they way he did without cause; I have no idea what your struggles are or how you deal with them, but I'm certain there are some. And they're big ones. It would also be really helpful to me if you just left us alone and didn't actually call me. That way I won't have to try to explain to 'Kid* why we can't play with your son anymore. I really do not want to have 'Kid do one of his relentless questions until Mommy gives a full and complete answer sessions. What your son did was wrong and sad and could have harmed 'Boy for life: I'd like to avoid 'Kid even knowing these dangers exist for awhile yet. If I can. He's already asking hard questions about good and evil and how they interact and sometimes I just want to keep him ignorant of how hard the world can be to live in. He's only 5.

Finally--just for your own future reference--it is unacceptable to leave your child in someone else's care and then be MIA for several hours while those caregivers try to reach you. But your family friend who did your job for you when I brought him home early and explained what had happened was a kind, wise woman and I appreciate her handling of the situation more than I can say.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

My son's mother.

**I've decided Superkid and Wonderboy are going to get much too long to type consistently and have thus abbreviated them as above.

If you read this, please share.

2010-05-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading a favorite blog of mine and came across this post. http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2010/05/asking-for-help.html

Please read it, and share it and donate if you can. Problems like this orphanage faces seem bizarre here in our safe, insulated western life. But they are real, and the children suffering are real and need our help. So if you can, please do. And encourage others you know to help as well.

Thank You.

Today

2010-05-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

It is May 12th. I live in central Colorado(not in the mountains). This morning when I woke up there were 2 inches of snow on the ground.

That is all.

Kidless weekend

2010-05-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend my children are staying with friends. We dropped them off yesterday evening around 6 and don't have to pick them up until tomorrow morning. It has been, quite simply, divine! Now don't misunderstand me. I love my children; adore them. I cover them with kisses and hugs and tickles at every opportunity, just in case they don't pick up on how much love it takes to do all those loads of laundry and dishes and cook all those meals and wipe all those bottoms and noses. But let's be honest people: children are exhausting. I'm reasonably sure parenthood is the most exhausting occupation ever created. So rest from that work--true rest without interuption--is just heavenly. I slept in this morning, and took a shower, and went out to breakfast with my husband. We wandered around stores and dreamed of things we'd like to buy and how they would change our life and laughed and chatted and generally acted as though we hadn't a care in the world. And for today, we didn't. What a beautiful thing.

This is what I've accomplished this week:

2010-04-15T12:49:00.001-07:00

In my family, my mother makes quilts when babies are born. Cousins, neighbors, co-workers, pretty much anybody she knows and likes a lot gets a quilt. Or anyone she feels obligated to make one for too but let's not digress into her issues with felt obligation. And my aunts and cousins make one for the firstborn child in each family too, so we have a lot of quilts around here. Anyway my SIL (hubby's sister) just had a baby and since he's the first cousin for us on Bob's side I thought I'd continue the tradition. I thought I had until mid-May to finish it, but then he was born early and I decided to try and get it done before her baby shower. The shower is on Saturday and since it's in another state I wanted to mail it by today to avoid the ridiculous cost of overnight shipping. And you know what? I actually did it! I finished something on time, and managed to make it turn out pretty much the way I planned!
This is big. I'm a procrastinator and a non-finisher. More than that I am not a 'crafty' girl and my sewing knowledge is minute. My mother is quite proficient, but I never paid enough attention to learn much. At any rate I am pleased with the result and will not be embarassed to have them open it. So that's my week so far. I spent most of my non-kid time working on it steadily so I haven't done much else.
I'll have to keep in mind how many hours it takes from start to finish for next time though. The cutting and measuring actually took much more time than putting it together I think. Sewing machines are wondrous inventions by the way.
That's all for today.

I changed my mind

2010-04-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

Instead of combining the gratitude list with this post I'm not. That was concise huh?
So anyway, I have been thinking lately about what my life would look like if I actually lived as though I am grateful for my life. For my redemption, my family, my home, even my dog. How would things be different if I could constantly act and think and feel as though my life is a wondrous gift and I shouldn't be wasting it complaining? Especially since nearly everything I whine about is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. How would my worship and my communication with God be different if I acted as though I was a truly beloved child of a perfect Father instead of a petulant, needy child of a Father I too often perceive as uncaring or unkind or incapable?
I have no idea exactly what that life looks like. I do know my life now looks to most people(I know this because several people have told me so recently) as though I've been incredibly blessed and even the difficult things I deal with could be much much worse. I do have some hopeful thoughts on how it might possibly look. I'm going to write them down here, and then maybe come back and look at them in the future to see if I've had any success with this little experiment in hope.

I hope a life lived in gratitude will make me more loving, more patient, more generous with my time and energy and possesions. I hope it will make me a more supportive wife, and a less selfish one. And less dependent on Bob's grace--which he has a LOT of believe me. I hope it will make me a better Mom, who doesn't make my children feel they are a nuisance or a bother or an annoying interruption to my "oh-so important" daily tasks. I hope it will help me learn to control my wretched awful temper so I don't yell at my beautiful children just because I lack the self-control to remain calm. I hope it will give me more energy to simply live my life. I am very sick of being tired and I think changing my outlook will be life-giving to me.

I hope learning to live in a place of gratitude and appreciation for my blessings and the gift of my life and family will make me, quite simply, better. Better at being me, and better at loving those around me in the ways they need most. I hope.
Hope is a powerful thing. Now I just need to remember to harness that power and use it for good purpose.

Gratitude and Attitude

2010-04-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be diligent about my gratitude posts. But I have other things I want to write today too, so this will be a combination post.

Sunshine on my windowsill.

Green green grass in my yard

A softly snoring dog. I love dogs.

A nephew who has entered the world with a splash, and is healthy despite that splash being 6 weeks before his due date.

The smell of spring.

Baby's tiny fingers that insist on feeding herself independently.

"Mamamamama Nanananana" (Baby's way of saying Mom, I'm tired and want to go to bed now)

Little friends trying to hug Baby, and her antics to avoid being interrupted from playtime.

Mohawks on little blond headed boys.

Being able to reassure a friend in need.

This makes 45 things I think. I'll have to re-count to be sure.

Its actually 44.

1000 things to be grateful for:

2010-04-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

There have been so very very many things to be grateful for I'm not sure how to narrow it down.

Glorious, sunny spring weather. For multiple days in a row.

A backyard for the boys to play in.

The smell of dewy grass in the early morning.

An opportunity to have a much needed cry.

Snuggles from my kids. (I think I use this one a lot, but they're just soooo lovely)

Celebrating the resurrection with my faith community. We're a people who love a good party and this was definitely a good one.

My husband. I cannot say how thankful I am for his presence in my life often enough.

Doctors who can help a friend and her unborn baby stay healthy through some precarious events.

The anticipation of meeting that baby soon!

A week in review

2010-03-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

The last 7 days have been quite bizarre, mostly because of the weather here(I live in Colorado); I feel the need to write it down to remember down the road.

Monday 22nd: 65 degrees, clear and sunny. I went to the park with the kids in shorts and flipflops. My brother and a nephew were visiting from the Midwest and were excited by the spring like temperature.

Tuesday 23rd: The morning was cooler, only 45 or so but still clear. Forecast called for a snow/rain mix later in the day, with little accumulation. We went to the mountains so my nephew could snowboard. Around 3pm we heard the rain/snow mix was instead going to be a full force blizzard with up to 16 inches expected that evening. The first 8 inches apparently fell between 5-6 pm and wreaked havoc on our return trip. Yikes! Our 70 mile drive home took nearly 5.5 hours, complete with 3 small children cooped up in a car and no bathroom. Good times, truly. I have rarely been so glad to see my front door.

Wednesday 24th: still snowing lightly when we woke up around 7am, but clear and 45 degrees by about 11. We had about 14 inches total at our house. Bob had a snow day so he and the kids and my brother and nephew turned our front yard into a snowman army. Then the boys practiced their "kung fu" by knocking all the snowmen down.

Thursday 25th: Warm again and sunny. Most of the snow in the yard melted by the afternoon. I took my nephew and superkid to the local skatepark in the late afternoon. We wore sweatshirts and put sunscreen on our faces.

Friday 26th: Sunny in the am, cloudy and raining by late afternoon. forecast again calls for a rain/snow mix, but the snow portion never materializes. Took my brother and nephew to the airport around lunchtime.

Saturday 27th: My memory of Saturday is a little vague, but I remember the kids and I being so exhausted that they actually watched movies most of the morning, while Bob was in charge and I took a nap. All the adventures during the family visit wore them out.

Sunday 28th: Back to the park, once again in shorts, this time with sneakers, as it was a bit chilly for my toes to handle flipflops.

Today the forecast is for 64 and sunny, with more delightful weather all week long. I think I'd enjoy that consistency, so here's hoping.

I am "that Mom"

2010-03-17T12:46:00.001-07:00

Today Bob and I took Superkid to tour the school where he will go to kindergarten next year. This was a big deal for me, both because our firstborn will be in kindergarten and because the school we went to is very close to my idea of a "dream school" for him. I admit that the last few months I have been a tad neurotic over the whole school thing. Not completely insane, but a bit over the top nonetheless.

To make a long story less long, we had some concerns about the neighborhood public school he currently attends for preschool. I mean no negative reflection on them, because it is a decent school and I know the staff work very hard. It is basically a solidly mediocre school and does a solidly average job. Superkid, however, is not an average child. I say this without conceit because people I like and respect and count on to tell me the truth tell me it is so. My little man is very bright, and very active and very inquisitive. He wants to know everything about everything, and then he wants to tell you why and how he learned it. My college degree is in early childhood education, so I can usually find ways to keep him engaged and intellectually stimulated. When I can't, his behavior spirals down down down like water in a toilet and then things are sad and ugly in our house until he's suitably challenged again.

So anyway, neither Bob nor I felt comfortable with the regular school in our neighborhood but we weren't sure what else we could do for him. Private schools are not in our budget, besides being out of sync with our desire to support public education as best we can. And while our district does offer choice enrollment and some special programs, none of the schools available were close to our home. Community involvement is important to us, and convenience is not to be ignored when there are 2 younger children for me to juggle as well. So we applied to a few places nearby--most specifically to a public charter school in our neighborhood--and waited to see what happened. The charter school has many more applicants each year than it has students, and I was told we would only be called by the charter school if his name came up in the lottery they hold. I must have heard the date wrong, because I thought the time had long since passed for the call to come. So when they called me last week to say they had a spot for him I was shocked, and then very excited. This school is academically sound, so he will get the basic skills and knowledge he needs for reading and writing and such, but it uses a less conventional curriculum model to teach them those things, and I love their approach. There will be much more time outside, and doing lessons in and about nature and more "real world" examples to learn from. And they go camping. Even in kindergarten. I love these things because Superkid loves to be outside and loves to learn how the world as a whole works together and loves to be "hands-on" in his learning. And I love it because several friends of mine, who are teachers or who work with schools in some aspect, have all told me "Superkid would do so well there, and so would Wonderboy."

So now I don't have to be "that Mom" about his school placement anymore because he'll be in our neighborhood, but still get his educational needs met and I won't have to sell my soul to pay for it. Yay!!(hands clap for joy and cheesy smile appears on face) Maybe next time I should just do my research, fill out my paperwork and then patiently wait to see how God will meet my needs huh? Someday I'll learn.

Enough Eeyore, Enough!

2010-03-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

Looking at my posts so far, I think too many have a mournful flavor and I am sick of it! Sick sick sick. Enough maudlin sadness. Today I am grateful! I will be grateful if it kills me. Here are some more things for my gratitude community list.

The peculiar crunch of frosted grass, no longer covered in snow.

Tiny fingers grasping cheerios

Superkid and his boundless energy and curiosity

Wonderboy's gentleness

Boys who adore their baby sister

Baby's hair tickling my face

Squishy mud to make footprints in

Peroxide and antiseptic ointment to prevent infections

Friends who don't mind visiting a messy house

Springtime smells and sounds.

Have a nice day.

Dang it.

2010-03-08T20:27:00.001-08:00

I just found out I will most likely not be seeing my grandmother this summer. Dang it. I don't mean to sound flippant about this, because the truth is I am heartbroken. My grandmother lives overseas and I see her rarely, and the last time she visited the states I was unable to go see her; there were good reasons for my not making that trip--baby was only about 3 weeks old--but I could have made something work. At the time I decided not to, because I thought she would be coming back this summer. And now she isn't--there is some room for hope but not much. And now I am so very sad. My Nana is elderly, and she has had some hard things in her life the last few years and traveling halfway across the globe is difficult for her. So I understand her choice, but still I am sad. I am sad because I haven't spent more than perhaps a few hours with her in the last 15 years or so and even then it has been amidst large groups of my relatives(very large groups, we're quite a tribe). I am sad because my children have never met her and she's the only living great-grandparent on my side of the family and I want them to know their heritage. I am especially sad because she is a link to my Dad, who is no longer living and I miss him terribly sometimes. She is a remarkable woman and I want so much to be able to spend some time with her before she leaves this world. I am going to be kicking myself for not turning my life even more upside down than it already was when she came last year. Kicking hard. That is all I can find to say.

Unsettled

2010-02-23T12:43:00.001-08:00

Today I am unsettled, and I find I don't care for the feeling. It makes me anxious and edgy and uncertain, which are all emotions I try to avoid. I like feeling confident and relaxed and as though I can guess what might happen next, both in my life as a whole and in my day to day tasks. For some reason I can neither understand nor properly explain, today feels precipitous. As though at some point in the future I will look back and wish I could have today back again, just to avoid whatever happens tomorrow. It makes me wish I had psychic powers or some way of speaking face to face with God, and getting simple, direct answers. Sadly I do not have either one.

So I am praying for peace, and enough faith to follow the path I have chosen through whatever maze or valley is waiting for me. I hope this will ease the tension building inside my head and silence the whispering of fear in my heart. If not, I'm sure I will be posting more later, because writing is a stress reliever for me too.

A new possibility

2010-02-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am a Christ follower. My husband is a Christ follower. We hope to raise our children to become Christ followers with us. Generally speaking, neither of us has clue how reach that goal. So I was excited when I read this post: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/family-activity-for-lent-box-of.html by a woman in Canada, who was sent the idea by a woman in Wales. It is basically a confession box, where the family can write or draw things they are sorry for, and place them anonymously in the box during Lent. Then on Easter you burn them or shred them or dispose of them in some final way to symbolize God's forgiveness.
I like it because this concept is so important for their little hearts to grasp, and so difficult for me to feel I can explain. I like it because this box seems like something they can understand and participate in, even though they are small. And while Wonderboy is only 3 and may not quite get it, he can understand being sorry and wanting to make things right and that's a start. I want my kids to learn forgiveness and living as though they are forgiven so that they can (hopefully) grow into adults who forgive and do not hold onto hurts and slights and bitterness. I want them to be able to hold joy, and peace and love. I want these things because I believe it will make them better, more balanced, more content people. Sometimes those hopes seem too lofty to be attained, but today I can use this idea from Wales via Canada and the internet to keep that hope in reach. I am happy today.

Lent

2010-02-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

Lent is starting tonight. This season of the year is one of my favorites; I realize that may sound strange. I love taking time over the course of weeks to ponder the weighty issues that surround my faith. Suffering; Sin; Death; Forgiveness; Redemption; Hope. I love to sit with these heavy ideas and let them simmer in my soul. It always changes me somehow and I look forward to learning what changes this year will bring. Then Easter comes, in all its heavenly glory and I join the faithful both near and far to celebrate the Risen Christ. Hallelujah.

My own voice

2010-02-12T12:27:00.001-08:00

I have a writer's heart. I long to fill pages and pages with stories and thoughts and prayers and characters and feelings and whatnot. Yet somehow, I have reached my early thirties without a consistent habit of writing. Even journalling is intermittent for me. I have spent considerable time trying to discover the cause for this anomaly and had no success. Awhile back I thought reading the writings of others might inspire me to do likewise so I started reading some blogs. I started with friends and family(all women, by coincidence) and found it a lovely way to keep in touch. I shied away from the blogs of strangers because I thought reading about strangers and their children would be weird. Then one day a college friend posted something with a link to another blog by someone I had never met. I took the plunge and clicked the link. It was the start of a new chapter for me.

Through that one original blogger and her phenomenal life and writing I have since discovered a number of other blogs about other women and their phenomenal lives and writings. It has been a rejuvenating experience for me. My life in the world of stay at home mothering hasn't always been easy, nor has it usually been encouraging. I so often went to bed feeling I had failed. Failed at mothering. Failed at housekeeping. Failed at being a wife and friend and daughter and sister. Just failed. It was a very disheartening way to live. All of the typical daily struggles of a SAHM were compounded by our family travelling through a season of many sad events and emotional turmoils and stresses of nearly every kind imaginable. I was not, as they say, "in a good place". Our life has settled down some since then and we are thankful, but I cannot find adequate words to explain how much these strangers and their blogs soothed my battered little heart through those times. If there is such a thing as first aid for the soul, this was it. They unknowingly gave me hope amidst my moments of discouragement. I am grateful to them all.
My hope for this little blog is to find MY voice and with it, my own thoughts on the world and my life. I seem to have lost those things somewhere along this journey. Someday I hope I can share something that helps another battered soul through her day.

More Gratitude

2010-02-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

I am already behind on my gratitude posts. sigh. Well, better late than never right? This week's list:
1. dark chocolate. in all its forms
2. grocery shopping without my children
3. a dog who will sleep on my feet when they're cold.
4. watching superkid learn to tell time
5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
6. Baby's chatter
7. Public Libraries
8. Bob's excitement over his newest project.
9. little boys who sing to each other in bed at night
10. sunshine on fresh snow.

We are sick this week and thus I have not written new posts. We are on the mend so I will hopefully write more soon.

Gratitude Community

2010-02-05T21:08:00.001-08:00

I am joining a group called the gratitude community. As soon as I find the email address for the person who lets people join I will add a link to her site to help explain the project. The short version is gratitude is contagious and fulfilling. Remembering to be thankful for all things, especially small mundane things we so often forget in the the throes of life, is a balm to the soul. We were created to worship and thanksgiving is an important part of worship. This community makes a point of recording 1000 things to be grateful for in their lives. Most break it up into smaller bits because a list with 1000 items would be long and lose its savor. I'm hoping to list 5 things at least twice a week; this way I will have 1000 items in about 2 years. I am excited to see how this emphasis on appreciation changes my perspective.

1. Wonderboy's giggle
2. Wonderboy's love of snuggling
3. Superkid's hair
4. Baby's smile
5. Bob's humor

I admit this first list is sort of a 'gimme' I have small children with many delightful qualities that bring me great joy and a husband who is simply wonderful. I am reminding myself how truly blessed I am. I had to start somewhere.

What makes me mad.

2010-02-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

It must be said that I have a quick temper. I am sad to admit that, but its true and I love truth. I work hard at controlling that temper; the life of a mother with small children often tries my patience and I handle it badly. This has created an excellent learning environment for my kids, since they get lots of practice forgiving their mother. I apologize to them a lot. Probably once a day minimum. I hope someday to not need to do that so much because it will mean I'm winning the battle against my temper.
However, even though I admit to trouble in this arena there are legitimately irritating things in this world that make me angry. I hate injustice, especially when it takes the form of exploitation of children or other innocents. I despise stupidity born of sheer laziness or selfishness. I loathe lies. Untruth in all its forms. I really hate it. And yet I lie sometimes. I am lazy and stupid and selfish sometimes. I am sure I am sometimes unjust, even though I don't mean to be so. Usually, knowing these things about myself helps me understand my reactions to the world at large and situations in my life. But today, nearly all day I was angry and I had no idea why.
And then my husband came home with take-out so I didn't have to make dinner when our cupboards are bare and our checking account is unsuited to shopping. We ate cheap chinese food for $1.50 a scoop over homemade rice and he helped me put the children to bed early so we could spend some time alone together before he left for the evening. Now I know something he(being sensitive and smart and thoughtful as is his nature) knew all along.
I am tired.
I am physically tired from waking up with a small baby and a chronically early rising toddler and being a mom. I am mentally tired because I am an introvert and my sons are not and I spend all day with them answering questions and letting them suck every ounce of energy from my soul and then answering more questions. I am emotionally tired because I am a woman and I am a feeler and things affect me and I try hard to hide it and that gets exhausting. So I am tired. This is a season of my life where fatigue is as constant as diaper changes and laundry. Sometimes I forget that somehow and then Bob reminds me. I don't think I deserve him, but I am very glad I married him.
This post rambles a bit, and I don't like that but I can't think of a way to fix it right now because I am too tired. Forgive me.

Just a quick update

2010-01-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

My sons are not napping. They both need a nap fairly desperately. But Bob is about to bring home a new television to replace our broken one and they are apparently to excited to sleep. I don't like to complain, but UGHHHHH. Naps are just so instrumental to the rest of our life; their constant resistance makes me tired. That is all.

My first post

2010-01-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

I am a SAHM to 3 children, ages 5, 3 and 7 months. My oldest, Superkid(SK) is a comet of boyish energy and many many--so very very many--words. Then comes our second son, Wonderboy. WB is more pensive and visibly emotional and easily cuddled but still with typhoon-like intensity. Baby is quite possibly the sweetest little person ever born. Honestly. She is a great balance to her brothers' intense natures. They are dear, and adorable and exhausting and infuriating and awesome all at once, and usually without apology. I have a completely amazing husband, who dreams big and lives in the tension between those dreams and the realities of raising a family. He's alarmingly talented at nearly everything which can be intimidating even to me sometimes. I call him Bob. It isn't his name, so sometimes he gets confused.
We love Jesus and believe God is good and deserves nothing less than our complete obedience and humble worship. That isn't usually an easy order to fill but we keep trying. We also love our families, friends and the family dog. I fully intend to keep things fairly anonymous, to give me the freedom to be more blunt and vulnerable than I might be otherwise. It isn't as though people who actually know us wouldn't realize this is us, but I want to protect my children and their privacy. So no cute kid pics here, sorry folks.

Our life often feels overwhelmingly out of control. 3 kids, a dog, one income, always one more thing that should be done, one more place for us to direct our time and energy. I spent a long time frustrated by the constancy of those needs. My kids needs, my husbands needs, my needs, the needs of a lost and hurting world all around me. I wanted things to be easily ordered and managed and neat. Alas, life is just messy; people are messy and complicated and unpredictable.

And so it is that I am attempting to embrace the many twists and turns God sends my way. I will endeavor to embrace them wholeheartedly and without fear; when I cannot be wholehearted I will at least be willing; if I cannot banish fear I will try to be courageous enough to act anyway. In this, as in all things, I will do my best to act and speak and live in love and truth. If I can do those things, I think I can find peace amidst the chaos of my life.
Here's hoping.