Wandering through my own mind

Sometimes I just sort of meander through the many random swirls of thought in my brain and wonder if any of them will ever un-swirl and become fully formed ideas, or even (gasp) actions. That's the big sticking point for me, always. To move from thought or intention to action. I don't think I ever learned how one does such a thing. No, that's not true, I know exactly how to to do it if it is for someone else's benefit; especially someone who doesn't live here. It's very backward when I really stop to think about it.

My house gets clean and tidy because someone is coming over, not because my family deserves a comfortable living space. I sew or write or bake because someone needs a gift or asked for my help, not because it feeds my soul to create. I cook and clean up spills and do laundry laundry laundry because I get hungry and dirty and goodness knows the kids do too. But not because I love to see them eat, or enjoy teaching them how to keep their own homes neat and homey someday. If I really stop to think, and wonder and process I simply cannot understand myself.

I don't know what it all means or how it should change or why it even matters. For me, knowing what things mean and why they matter are the catalysts for change. So to sort through it all is critical, if I want to become a me who can bless my family with not just words, but the work of love too. The housekeeping, clothes washing, yard upkeep kinds of love that help my children learn it's good and satisfying to work hard for those you love. I don't think I'm teaching them that very well and I'm ashamed. I'm embarassed when I hear Kid say "That sounds too hard, why do I have to?" Or when they leave their toys and clothes strewn about and uncared for instead of putting them away. Or assume they can just carelessly ruin and break things and then have them immediately and painlessly replaced. No effort, no struggle, no waiting. And I know this is kids and they are learning the world and that's my job as their mother. To teach them the waiting and the effort and the struggling and I try. Bob tries. We pray and we wake up every day and try again and that struggle is surely part of our growth just as picking up their toys is part of theirs. And still they act so entitled some days. So sure of material comfort without condition. And so I'm embarrassed again. Not for them, for me. At my own laziness and apathy. I've been given this 1 life to live, and somehow seeing them not care about the mess or be willing to help clean it up without prodding makes me sure I'm failing. Failing them, failing me, failing the world at large. There are things I should be doing to teach them these lessons and I'm not and I don't know why.

I am falling into my own head with these thoughts sometimes and it isn't helping and I'm back to wondering again how to move from thinking to doing. I want to be a doer when it comes to love and not just a talker. I just don't know how. So I wade back into those swirling eddy thoughts and I swing a fishing net through them and try to pluck them up and sort them out. And I'll keep trying until I get it right. One of these days this struggle will ease and then I suppose different one will take its place. Because this is a journey and I can't be on a journey if I don't keep moving. . .

Right?

I hate unresolved internal conversations. Perhaps I should stop posting so many of them.

Robbed

Today I took my kids to swimming lessons and then my mother, who is visiting for a week, bought us a drive through lunch as a treat. Shortly after we came home I discovered we'd been robbed. Pixie was already sleeping, Sunshine was on her way to nap, and I was suddenly terrified to be in my own home. My mom and I took the kids outside and called the police and stood in the hot front yard and waited for them. Sunshine fussed. I did a lot of surreptitious deep breathing in an attempt to appear calm for my children's sake. Kid was very upset. The police came and searched the house. No one was there. Neither was any of my jewelry, my father's wedding ring, some electronic devices, or my grandmother's antique pocket watch. Can I just interrupt this narrative to add that Bob is overseas for the next 5 days and nearly impossible to reach? Because he is, and it is not easy. And when I couldn't call him to come home and help me talk the kids through things I very nearly hyperventilated in my own front yard. The police officer was very kind and not very encouraging. He made a report and everything and basically said we'd never get any of it back. I appreciate the honesty but it was hard to hear. A dear friend came over to check on us, because he knew its scary to be burglarized and wanted to check on us. It was very soothing. My children were already overtired from a late night watching fireworks last night, and the upheaval brought them to a new low. I think they should all have gone to bed at probably 4:30pm. But they wouldn't, so we just had lots of screaming and fits and fighting while I dealt with the aftermath and tried to remain moderately collected. I've had 2 late nights in a row before this and my exhaustion was a major hindrance. My mother was an enormous help which was good. They only took things, and not very many of them, and everyone is safe and I am so very thankful for that; at the same time I am angry and frightened and annoyed and tired. It's been a very confusing day. I miss my husband and wish he were here to help me feel safe. I know God will keep me secure, but I also know secure doesn't always mean safe. Perhaps I will learn something from this experience that will change me or my life. At the moment I think I will mostly learn how to fill out insurance claim forms. I really am exhausted and need to sleep. Good night.

Bob

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I wish I had some super great, profound post planned out but I don't. I do want to say that my husband is truly one of the most caring fathers I have ever known, and he works so hard for us sometimes I can't understand how he manages it. 4 kids 7 and under is not a task for the faint-hearted and he has always been up to the challenge. Kid, Boy, Pixie and Sunshine light up like a sun rise whenever they see him and it makes my soul lighter every time I get to see it happen. My mother always told me you can (and should) forgive many many things if a man loves his children well. She was right. She still is. My children never have to wonder if their Daddy loves them because he is here every day, doing it and telling them so. That is a priceless gift to all of us. Aside from his general awesome-ness as Daddy to our little tribe, I'd like to point out a few other great things about Bob. He is a forgiving, gentle man who can still be formidable when necessary. He is the best tickling-wrestle monster in the universe (title bestowed by Kid and Boy). He can make me laugh till I cry. He sees me, even when I feel invisible. He's not afraid of diapers, or crying toddlers or kissing boo-boos or being silly in front of people. He makes sure I know he thinks I'm gorgeous. He gets that we're really different and sometimes we approach parenting from opposite poles and doesn't generally let that drive him crazy--unlike me who gets nutty over it. He can do Pixie's hair. On the days when I feel drowned in a sea of dirty laundry and tantrums and toy typhoons he brings home take out and does the dishes just because he loves me. He dreams big, and lets our kids dream with him. He has a heart for Jesus. He's mostly just an all around super star in the Daddy/Husband/Life Partner arena. Thanks Bob, it means a lot to me. I love you.

What does it say about Me . . .

Tonight we had dinner with some friends who are moving to West Africa in a few months to do some really really great work. I realized as we were talking about the preparations they're making that I envy them. I'm even a little jealous. Of a family moving to a developing nation where they won't even be able to receive most of their mail, and they have to get a guard dog to keep people from breaking into their house and clean water isn't guaranteed and internet will be a precious and rare commodity. I don't know what that says about me and my life but I should probably examine it a bit because I'm fairly certain that's a little odd. Even for me. Mostly I'm jealous of how they'll have such great excuses to focus on truly important things, like God and raising their kids and their work for a worthy cause and just those 3 things will pretty much fill their time. Not aimless web surfing, or unnecessary shopping or wasting time watching tv or doing any number of other leisurely pursuits I do fairly regularly. I envy them because they will be in a place so far removed from the more ridiculous pieces of American culture; a place where sometimes your computer won't work and the world won't end. And your phone isn't stuck to your ear 14 hours a day and nobody expects your kids to be in 12 activities every week. Where the things you do each day will more often truly matter. It just sounds really nice. Which, I realize is probably not how most people see what they're doing. And is probably not a fully accurate picture of how their life will be once they get there. So that's my thoughts for today.

Pseudonyms for everyone!!!

Well, only my daughters really. Since my 1 year old hasn't had a name of any kind on this blog, and my almost 3 year old can no longer accurately be called "baby girl" I decided its time to update. So now my older girl will be Pixie and my younger one will be Sunshine. Because those are really accurate descriptions for them. Sunshine is just the sweetest, most content little person. She's happy all the time unless we make her wait too long for her nap or she's sick. And Pixie is very affectionate and dear, while simultaneously high strung and prone to unreasonable tantrums. So she's a toddler is what I'm saying. But that's really all I've got folks. Life is non-stop around here, and I should really be sleeping. Pixie and Sunshine will be awake in 8 hours or so. With Kid and Boy right after them. And Bill graduates in a few weeks so we're prepping and planning and making space for a variety of my in-laws to come for that too. I have no deep soul searching insights today. Maybe tomorrow?

The Follow up

I'm still not entirely sure I know what I want to say. I think I should start with a thank you, and a backstory. A few posts ago I mentioned that some friends were taking me out for a little weekend getaway, just because they're wonderful friends who felt I'd benefit from some rest. Anne, Amy, & Laini, THANK YOU. You are loving, kind, gracious friends and knowing how much you care leaves me speechless. I've been trying to write you each a note since you dropped me off and I cannot find adequate words for how loved I felt, even if I seemed indifferent. I never know the appropriate response is for simple unexpected kindness. I am pretty sure I don't deserve such generous friends.

During our time together they asked me several times "what do you want to do/go/eat?" They weren't trying to be pushy or intrusive, they wanted to do whatever felt most rejuvenating to me. And while I think I usually came up with sort of normal answers I was always thinking
"hide. avoid any semblance of true connection and just hide."
Which, if you know these women is a ridiculous reaction. The 3 of them are some of the most gracious, kind, gentle people I've ever met. They've born many many burdens--mine, their own and others--in the years I've known them and never made me feel like they mind. Sometimes I find myself in situations that remind me how unusual our little community truly is, and it always makes me both incredibly grateful and unbearably sad. To realize how many people just don't have anyone in their life who cares for them well makes me sad. So to have friends like these is something I value so highly. And yet. Still, if they ask how I am how do I react? I try to hide. I try to avoid answering through all manner of avoidance tactics. I asked about their lives, I changed the subject, I deflected by give half-answers that addressed real issues I'm struggling with, but didn't touch the core of my heart. Does this sound ridiculous to anyone else? Even at the time I remember thinking I was being ridiculous and I still couldn't seem to help it. It's a flaw I have, this reflexive deflection.

So when we got home I felt a bit deflated; like I'd disappointed them with my guarded, defensiveness. It all seems so silly now but that is why they say hindsight is 20/20 right?
So all of that to say the videos(links at bottom of post) I watched of this researcher talking about being vulnerable came at what could be gently described as 'timely'. Her discussion on what she calls Wholehearted living and what it could mean for our culture just hit me really hard. On a gut wrenching, heart searing level that I was unprepared to process*. I didn't understand why it dug so deep to hear what she had to say. I think I still don't entirely understand.
Here's what I have so far though: too much of my outlook, my inner monologue, my daily approach is based in shame or fear. Apparently I am unconsciously a moderate self hater. I wouldn't have described myself that way a few months ago but the more I pay attention to what's actually going on inside my head the more I'm sure its true. I say moderate because if I stop and listen, I can usually turn myself around fairly quickly; not always but usually. Even so I'm shocked regularly to really hear what goes through my own mind at any given moment. For me the "not good enoughs" are different than a lot of women(at least I think they are, based on what I know about other womens' struggles). My appearance isn't a huge thing for me in general. I'm not super confident about risks in that area but on the other hand I don't care very much if people think I'm sloppy or under dressed or whatever. It just isn't something that interests me.
Like everyone though, that nasty voice constantly reminds me of zillions of other ways I don't measure up. My house is too dirty, and not decorated or organized well enough. My kids are too loud, too dirty, too hyper, too weird or some combination thereof. I'm an inconsiderate wife, a lazy daughter, not a supportive enough sister or friend. I'm not spiritual enough or gracious enough or loving enough to people God places in my life. I'm always late and I don't send birthday cards or Christmas cards or remember to buy presents for my family. I don't walk my dog enough. The list--as I'm sure you can imagine--can go on for miles.
Now we hit my sticking point. The one that always trips me up in these soul endeavors. What next? I recognize God prodding me toward something, His loving insistence that I not ignore all these pots He's stirring in me. And lots of growth IS happening in tiny little bits at a time. But you know what? Growth is hard. And exhausting. And not usually pretty or fun. And there's no easy way to tell if I'm finished. How will I know if I've "fixed" this? I'm not even sure I like this brand of growth. Couldn't I just have some sort of major epiphany and then be totally done with certain issues? Why now? What should I do with all of this to help myself continue processing? I don't know. For today it has to be enough that I've written it down, and I'm willing to keeping thinking it over. Hopefully that will lead me somewhere good tomorrow.
Hopefully.

*I am nearly always unprepared to process hard hitting emotional responses.

http://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown.html

Both her talks appear in the right hand column of her ted page. They're about 20 minutes each.

Daring Greatly

I just watched 2 phenomenal ted talks. The speaker mentions that quote by Teddy Roosevelt about how the credit in life should go to the man in the arena. The one who actually dares to attempt something, even if it means they fail. I'll find some links and put them in here later, but for now I just needed to say that this idea--when stated in light of our cultural tendency towards shame and its conspirator fear--is shaking me to my core. I don't know why or what that might mean but I know it is important and I intend to run hard after the source of that shaking. If anyone reads this, please check back in a few days or a week to see what happens.

Have a wonderful soul-giving day.