A new outlook to ponder

Yesterday during our worship gathering our pastor said something I cannot get out of my head. "We are responsible for our own joy." It is a quote from somebody, but I didn't catch the name. The whole point of the quote--or at least from my perspective--was that joy shouldn't be situational if you are a believer and follower of Jesus. The reality of God's grace and forgiveness and love are meant to be things that fill us with JOY regardless of our daily circumstances and challenges. He mentioned how often people come back from mission work or humanitarian aid trips saying "the people have literally nothing and yet they're so joyful."
Rather than use this sentiment as a means to activate our guilty conscience though, last night was about discovering the cause for that difference. And encouraging us all to work harder at cultivating that joy. We didn't get asked for more money or to volunteer at a fundraiser; we were asked instead to draw near to the God of the universe and live joyfully. He mentioned how much he hoped we could all learn to do this, because he feels certain a community of otherwise "normal" people in our city living in manifest joy would be transformational to our city.
It is the kind of idea that I love to savor and chew on awhile, and then apply somehow. I'll get to work on the chewing but feel free to share your thoughts on how to apply it.

Today

Today is Wednesday. Boy has his preschool this morning, so it is just Baby and I and she is napping. She's a delightfully good little sleeper which we truly appreciate. Today we ran few errands after the boys were off to school; she got tired and just said 'Nigh Mama. Nigh.' Then she put her adorable little thumb in her mouth, hugged the stuffed hippo that is her favorite snuggly toy and went to sleep in her carseat. Her brothers were not so willing to give in to nap at this age so this is a lovely change.
Overall I am constantly amazed at how different her approach to the world is from Kid & Boy. Bob and I often wonder which differences are just because God made her a different person than they are, and which ones are only because she is a girl and they aren't. I am a firm believer that some types of differences are gender based, no matter what "experts" say about the whole nature/nurture argument. I hope as she grows up we can encourage her to enjoy her femininity without forcing her to fill any specific role. So far our sons are very masculine little people, but still able to express their emotions and be sweet, gentle, and a host of other traits often associated with girls. I pray the reverse will also be true for Baby.

I also pray it will be true for her baby sister once she joins us in the outside world.

Just as an update

Christmas and New Year's are over. School has restarted for Kid, Boy and Bill. Baby talks a lot, and mispronounces just enough things to be hilarious. Baby #4 is healthy and kicking like mad. She is the first of my unborn children ever to let the doctor listen to her heartbeat without chasing her around my belly first, which I enjoy. We have no idea what to name her. At all. Which is unusual for us, as we tend to like too many names rather than the reverse.

I am feeling decent this pregnancy, but exhausted nearly all the time and I get short of breath with little or no provocation which can be frustrating. We are so thankful she is healthy and so far there are no major complications.

Bob finished a big project over the holidays and I am thrilled he is done! I am hoping to start a few projects of my own soon and I like knowing he isn't mid-task on something too.

We got a new Bible for the kids and I am really enjoying reading it to them each day. Let's hope the truths it shares stick in the their little hearts.

That is all I can think of for right now. Enjoy your day--if anyone actually reads this thing.

Thankful

This year I have many things to be thankful for, and since I have been woefully undisciplined in posting for the gratitude community I thought I'd write about some of them. First, since I haven't officially said so here yet I will be thankful for our 4th child, due in late April. Our fall has been a whirlwind of change and transitions so finding out we were pregnant was quite a surprise. Bob and I took a little while to get used to it, but with each doctors visit where the baby is healthy we get a little more excited. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on my body so I am also thankful that so far it hasn't been nearly has tough as we have come to expect.

I am so thankful that school is going well for all 3 of our school aged children (I include Bob's kid brother in that number, since he lives here and all). Kid and Boy both love their teachers and have made new friends and learned things and are growing by the minute. I am thankful for 2 mornings each week to spend one on one with Baby, who loves the extra attention and is just so cute Bob and I can barely stand it. Also for her entering the stage where she learns new words every day and is so excited to have us understand her better with each one. My girl is a delight and we are thankful she is part of our family.

I am thankful for 'Bill' my kid brother in law. He is a great guy and watching him interact with our kids is so much fun. Plus he and Bob get to hang out a lot, which is so sweet to me; the age difference means they haven't lived in the same house since Bill was very young and they've missed each other.

I am thankful we have enough food to eat and a warm house to sleep in each night. And for little boys who still want to come snuggle their Daddy & Mommy in the mornings when they wake up, even though they're getting so big.

I am thankful for a husband who works hard every day to provide for us, and still wants to play with his kids and talk to his wife when he gets home. I am thankful for the stupendous man Bob is, and for the opportunity to share my life with him.

I am thankful for snow in the mountains, and our plans to play in them this winter.

I am thankful for Kid and Boy and their ridiculous boyish energy. They never stop, and while that can be exhausting they are so smart and funny and adorable and goofy that I cannot get enough of them.

I am thankful for my family and friends who are wonderful and crazy all at once.

Today, I am just thankful. Its a mindset I plan to cultivate more in my life.

Of Secrets and Love.

Someday, I hope my writing is as clear, heart-rending, relevant and insightful as this woman's.http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/why-tell-secrets.html She is wise and kind and I cannot fully express my gratitude to her for revealing some of her wounds. This particular post pierces my heart more than most, because the bonds of secrecy and the poisons they instill run deep in my soul, my past, my family. I have often been admonished or rejected or shamed by loved ones who are threatened by truth and by confronting secrets. But I really hate the "secret life". I always have, and it has always been a sticking point within my family. I don't really understand why so many people find truth so terrifying; to me the terror sets in when I contemplate preserving the lies. Yet their terror is real and because I love them I try--sometimes--to fight my nature and maintain their secrets to ease their fears. We have collective secrets because we are a family, and while our wounds run deep the love is deep too.
I struggle with the balance between the gracious but somewhat shallow love I know they want, and the honest love I see they need. It can feel like a tightrope act and is often exhausting. I pray I always find the energy and strength to push through the exhaustion to find more love. God never runs out of love, and surely these loved ones of mine deserve to see that. I know I do.

The new chapter

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.