I posted earlier about how lately my brain feels jumbled and crowded with lots and lots of thoughts about things. Too many thoughts to sort and post all at once, but here is one I need to process by writing about it. I attend a playgroup with some dear friends once a week. I've known some of the mothers for year--since before we were even Moms--and I love them. They are dear, Godly, intelligent, beautiful women and we support each other in this absurd and wonderful journey through motherhood. And yet sometimes I just feel like an alien trying to decipher the codes of a foreign culture. Last week the subject of children's clothes and dressing them came up and I was at a loss for how to relate to anything they had to say. One friend said her 5 year old daughter is really into doing her own hair; I was thinking that sounded like fun to watch when she continued with the following. "But of course she has no idea what's she doing, so it always comes out looking terrible and I just can't let her go out in public like that."
Me: But is she proud of herself once she's done?
Friend 1: Rolls eyes affectionately at me. Yes, Kate she is. But she looks ridiculous and I can't stand it.
Friend 2: I know! I can't let my husband dress our son or he'll just be a mess.
Me: Friend 2, your son is 2 years old! Do you honestly think people care what he's wearing? Even Friend 1's 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.
***I have to be honest here, fashion and matters of social etiquette regarding clothing are not my forte and I tend to ignore them except for special occasions. I shoot for clean, without holes or ugly stains and children who are independent enough to dress themselves each morning. That being said, these women are women I admire and genuinely like and respect so I try to understand their perspectives on things I'm less than versed in; still, I was saddened by their responses.
Friend 1(with another exasperated sigh) Kate, you just don't understand. People will tease her, looking like that. Other kids will make fun of her.
Me: You really think 5 year olds care about fashion? Enough to mock someone? And Friend 2, you honestly believe there are adults judging you because your toddler doesn't "match"? I just don't think that's true.
Both of them responded that yes, they do indeed think other kids notice because THEY would notice and say(or at least think) something so surely children would too. And as far as random strangers they both felt people definitely would view them negatively as mothers if their child doesn't follow the norm. It made me sad. And angry. And confused. I stopped talking and let them finish the conversation without me because it was clear I'd have nothing of value to them to add. Situations like this always leave me feeling left out, freakish even. Being the misfit in a group is not new to me, but it still stings a bit. Especially amongst close friends. I don't LIKE to feel like an outcast; like my thoughts and beliefs make me somehow other, somehow less valuable than they.
Is it so crazy to believe that small children, as a rule, are more interested in someone's actions than their attire? That rather than be unkind to a little girl with an unusual hairstyle they might be intrigued and ask how she did it? Or that most people in a supermarket or on a sidewalk wouldn't even notice if my son wears a striped shirt with his plaid shorts? It doesn't seem like it should be so laughable an idea. Or if it is, shouldn't we work at changing that in ourselves and our children? To help them learn to gauge a person by their actions and their character and not their appearance? My friends are(generally speaking) strong, smart capable women who want their children to love God and grow into adults who serve him well. I just can't quite sort out how strong fashion sense and a desire to conform to trivial social norms simply to avoid the possibility of a rude remark fits into those life goals.
Now maybe I'm naive and it will be quite obvious to everyone that I am wrong here. It has happened before(many times:) and if that's the case I'd love to hear why. Frankly, it would be much easier if I am wrong. Then I could just adjust my own point of view and fit in nicely with my surroundings. Fitting in is just so much simpler and less tiring. But if I'm not, if what's actually true is we need to teach our children to think less about how other people think of them and more about how God thinks of them, then what? What should I have said to these friends to reach the heart of the issue without being judgemental or being blown off? What should I say to my own kids when they ask questions about fitting in or being teased? Tact and diplomacy are not my best skills so any advice would be welcome. This is an issue I think I'll be trying to work out for awhile.
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