February is not my favorite month.

We live in Colorado. It is winter. While it is true that we do not live in the mountains and thus our winters are much more temperate and manageable than my childhood home in the upper mid-west, I still struggle with cabin fever. The last 2 weeks have been cold and snowy. With most days below freezing and a lot even below zero. I can handle cold when necessary, and this winter has been so hard in other areas of the country that I try not to complain. I was doing really well until about yesterday afternoon. The funny thing is what has me most irritated isn't the weather and the way it coops us up in the house sometimes. No, I am annoyed by my stuff. The sheer oppressive volume of our possessions is so overwhelming to me right now I could vomit. We are not a couple who buys a lot of stuff either. We splurge sometimes and our kids have several hundred toys because they have a lot of extended family to spoil them, but honestly we don't buy much besides food and diapers on any kind of regular basis. And yet everywhere I look I see things. Toys. Clothes. Computer equipment. Tools. Dishes. More Clothes and toys. Cars. Bikes. The list could go on an embarassingly long time. I know we are blessed beyond measure to live in a basically snug, safe home with enough of the essentials to go around. I know this. I tell myself this multiple times a day because I feel guilty for despising so much of what so many people would give anything to have.

But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.

Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.

Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.