Here's the scoop folks, and it isn't all that pretty. It may get long though. I am not a self starter. I have no intrinsic self discipline. If I am standing in my living room and the dishes are done, no one is hungry, the laundry is in a manageable state (it is NEVER done, so I no longer worry) and my bathroom does not present a health hazard I will simply not think to myself "I should vacuum, while I have a minute." It will not occur to me. Or if it does it will be followed immediately by "I'll get on that as soon as I eat/check facebook/email/sit for a minute." And then 30 mins later the window has closed, and I no longer have time to vacuum. Spontaneous chore initiation is not my gifting. I am not one of those uber productive women who homeschools 6 kids, shops thrift stores to plan ahead for a future need, then comes home to can 27 jars of tomatoes from my enormous, well tended garden. (See owlhaven.net for proof such a woman exists.) I'm just not. I'd like to be, because it seems like she gets more done.
I have been examining this trait in myself lately and found very little that is useful for changing it. It isn't that I'm not a hard worker--I actually love working hard at a satisfying task. It isn't even that I'm super dis-organized, because I have a few skills in that area; I do keep 4 children under 8 fed, clothed, reasonably clean, and usually know where to find the oh-so important thing they've just lost. I can be lazy, but honestly I think I'm mostly more tired. Last weekend while with 2 amazing friends for a weekend getaway I did some sobering math that still has my mind reeling. I may have said this before, so bear with me if you're bored ok? I have a point I promise. Anyway, I figured out that between when Kid was conceived in April of 2004 and Sunshine was born in April of 2011 I had 6 pregnancies, gave birth 4 separate times, and breastfed all 4 of those kids for at least 8 months. If I add the months I nursed Sunshine we hit December of 2011. Add that up I dare you. Not a mathematics fan? Ok, let me help you. 2004-2011=7 years. 7 years=84 months. Plus 8 months nursing Sunshine =92 months. 4 full term pregnancies + 2 miscarriages in first trimester = 44 months pregnant. I nursed my kids for 10.5, 10, 9.5 & 8 months respectively. 10.5+11+9.5+8=39 months breastfeeding. Can you see where this is going? This means that of 92 previous consecutive months leading up to 2012, I was either pregnant or nursing 83 months!!!! Can we just all soak that in a bit? Momma is TIRED!
My body was not 1 of those "oooh I just loooooove being pregnant and I feel great!" bodies. It hated me, and it wasn't at all sure it like the baby either. I always knew I was pregnant because I started feeling like I was about to come down with the flu; only I'd get morning sickness instead. I felt borderline flu-like throughout all my pregnancies, and obviously didn't get much sleep what with the bladder issues and etc. Also? My kids are not the kind of kids who sleep well--or late. Maybe we are just terrible sleep trainers, maybe they are just hyper like Bob & I, maybe there are gnomes in their closets whispering "wake up wake up, sleep is for the weak!" I don't know. I do know not 1 of them ever slept through the night before 8 months, and Boy held out for 13 months. And for him, once he slept 'all night' meant he woke up at 4:30am. EVERY. DAY. For 8 or 9 months.
Needless to say, I started this year worn out. Little by little I am feeling more able to cope, more able to feel hopeful and energetic and like I can face life and maybe even accomplish things. I rest a lot. I think that is a healthy, useful, acceptable way to spend a good portion of my free time. But this is America folks, and when I look around I just don't see people or places that value healthy, useful ways to spend my time. I see ads for places to go and things to do and "experiences you don't want to miss!" I see kids in school for 7 hours and then in activities for 3 or 4 more hours 5 days a week and several hours more on weekends. And parents who work crazy hours and then stay up all night hand sewing halloween costumes because "crafting is fun". Don't get me wrong, I love watching Kid play soccer, and I do actually enjoy crafty projects. But you know what? I also enjoy sleep. Sleep is God's way of restoring our bodies to balance and health. It keeps us strong and able to think clearly. And I can promise you I do not think clearly if I stay up past 10. 9 or 9:30 would be better, but 10 is the cutoff. When I read that I feel a little old. And a little like I am surely missing out on whatever it is I used to do at night before I had kids.
So how does all this relate to the first paragraph? Well, I am trying to find a way to help my non self-starting self to be more proactive, even it is only with housework. I have been really beating myself up the last few years over how much I don't accomplish in comparison to other people I know, or see on blogs or whatnot. And while it's true I have a lot of room to grow as far as setting achievable goals for keeping the wheels on this crazy little life of ours, I've come to realize 1 other important truth. This season of tiny children and their hundreds of thousands of needs is no walk in the park. I may shake my head at strangers in Target who consistently say "you sure have your hands full!" because I think they're ridiculous but guess what? I do, in fact, have both hands very very full. And I like it. I admit I don't enjoy parts of this journey that are mandatory if I am going to stay home with my children. I loathe laundry and I despise dishes and I can't stand cooking while people hang on my legs and whine. But I DO like raising my kids myself, and not stuffing them into day care. I DO like spending time with all of them each day and knowing what is going on in their heads and lives. I DO like that they know I'll be around.
So I guess I have to find the delicate balance between the reality of my physically labor intensive stage of life and wanting to feel like I've accomplished a concrete task or 2 each day. Anyone have any ideas? All 3 of my readers feel free to comment! :)
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