Thank God!!!

Elections are over, the votes (mostly) counted and we are done! I am so very thankful I cannot express it in words. Picture happy dances and sighs of relief. So let's all move on to real life again shall we?

Ok, first of all lately I have been reading a lot of books that are turning my heart and parts of my theology upside down. It isn't entirely pleasant--really, who loves emotional turmoil--but it IS good. There are just so many things that I'm finding new perspective on these days and I love it. Things I might have seen as colossal problems now seem less so, or even inconsequential; things that may have pushed me toward discouragement and despair no longer do (most of the time, I'm still human). The whole process to bring me to this time of re-evaluating big pieces of my life has been a long time coming. A very long time. It gives me hope my journey isn't quite as direction challenged as I thought. To fully explore the many avenues this is taking in my life will require multiple posts so I am keeping it fairly general right now. Suffice it to say I'm taking a long hard look at where I have been placing my heart and my trust, and whether those places are the right ones.

Related to this is my previously mentioned frustration with the election cycle and all things political. There are just so many things we as Americans should be paying more attention to in my opinion. Our whole society right now seems to be centered not around what is right or decent or good for all people, but what is easiest and most comfortable for us as Americans. I feel as though we are--collectively as a culture so I fully include myself in this--just saying to the world we do not care 1 iota about your life and death struggles, your desperate attempts to stay alive and feed your children and perhaps find work. 27 million people, largely women and children, trapped in slavery? Oh, that's not our problem, who cares? Is what our actions indicate our response to be. 26,000 people dying daily around the globe purely from starvation and easily treated diseases? Bahh, no biggie we say. But which guy wins the presidency will surely bring about either the end of the world or heaven on earth, depending on your point of view. One friend of mine even suggested instigating a new civil war over the results of yesterday's elections. Wow. Great enthusiasm and passion and all my friend, but since you claim Christ you're striking me as misguided. Possibly even insane. We are so much concerned with how our lives of abundance and complacency and constant, compulsive, unending consumption and materialism can be maintained and never disturbed in any way we've lost sight of what is true and right. It saddens me and makes me disgusted with myself and the country as a whole, and angers me too. 

But since it is not within my power to upend the focus of the American consumption culture I will simply continue to read, and pray, and figure out what I can do to change my own life in order to help more people who truly need it. And I will pray extra for my angry heart to soften toward all those who seem apathetic to these issues, and the many other overlooked injustices on God's heart. I will start today.

On Politics and Religion

This will not be a post telling you what to think and how to vote!

Ok, just a short note to say a few important things. First, may I just say that while I wholeheartedly support democracy and elections and the freedom we enjoy in that process in this country, I hate political campaigns with a fiery passion? There is a depth of loathing in my soul I cannot adequately convey. All the nasty, mud-slinging, name-calling, polarizing, posturing just makes me crazy! By the time we hit October--especially in a presidential election year--I am ready to simply abdicate my rights as a citizen and hide under a rock on voting day. I won't actually do that but you get the idea right? Just once, I'd like the candidates to make clear, non-ambiguous statements about their beliefs regarding government and its role in our society. No wishy-washy mealy mouthed half opinions that can be spun 14 ways depending on the audience. No avoiding the issue by pointing the finger at the opponent's lack of humanity. Just "This is what I think and this is why and if you don't like it, please vote for the other guy." And then guess what? maybe all of us could get a clear idea of what they stand for, and what they stand against, and just maybe we could vote with a clearer conscience this year. I'm not a person who votes based on party lines or on only 1 or 2 "BIG" issues. I try to get a picture of the kind of person I'm electing, and whether I feel I can trust that person to make decisions they feel best serve our country and our needs. I couldn't care less which party supports them and I couldn't care less what religious beliefs they hold, if I feel they are a person of integrity and honesty. A person who will stand up for all citizens, not just those with money to throw around. Who will fight hard for what the believe is right, even if it costs them votes or points in the polls. Who just once, admits the "other side" might have a point on an issue. Pretty please candidates?

Secondary to all that is this: nothing is more likely to make me re-think my friendship with someone than their making any kind of "if you're a Christian you must vote ___" statement. My faith informs my choices, and that's good and right but that in no way means I believe my choices will be the same as yours. I'm fairly certain that if God can create a large and varied world and 7 billion unique people then he can totally handle differing opinions amongst his people. How about we all just realize Christ died for ALL, to save ALL and make ALL things new and leave it at that? God reveals himself to us in different ways based on who He created us to be, not based on how we vote or how loudly we denounce another group's stance. I mean, seriously as brothers and sisters in 1 body could we not just get along a little? I'm over it folks. Over. It. So please, let's all just vote and agree that it is the participation that is important for fulfilling our responsibilities as citizens not the specific side we take. This has the added benefit of allowing us to remain friends and co-workers and etc even if we don't vote the same way, which makes me happy, and life less stressful.

That is all for today.

Ok the thing is:

Here's the scoop folks, and it isn't all that pretty. It may get long though. I am not a self starter. I have no intrinsic self discipline. If I am standing in my living room and the dishes are done, no one is hungry, the laundry is in a manageable state (it is NEVER done, so I no longer worry) and my bathroom does not present a health hazard I will simply not think to myself "I should vacuum, while I have a minute." It will not occur to me. Or if it does it will be followed immediately by "I'll get on that as soon as I eat/check facebook/email/sit for a minute." And then 30 mins later the window has closed, and I no longer have time to vacuum. Spontaneous chore initiation is not my gifting. I am not one of those uber productive women who homeschools 6 kids, shops thrift stores to plan ahead for a future need, then comes home to can 27 jars of tomatoes from my enormous, well tended garden. (See owlhaven.net for proof such a woman exists.) I'm just not. I'd like to be, because it seems like she gets more done.

I have been examining this trait in myself lately and found very little that is useful for changing it. It isn't that I'm not a hard worker--I actually love working hard at a satisfying task. It isn't even that I'm super dis-organized, because I have a few skills in that area; I do keep 4 children under 8 fed, clothed, reasonably clean, and usually know where to find the oh-so important thing they've just lost. I can be lazy, but honestly I think I'm mostly more tired. Last weekend while with 2 amazing friends for a weekend getaway I did some sobering math that still has my mind reeling. I may have said this before, so bear with me if you're bored ok? I have a point I promise. Anyway, I figured out that between when Kid was conceived in April of 2004 and Sunshine was born in April of 2011 I had 6 pregnancies, gave birth 4 separate times, and breastfed all 4 of those kids for at least 8 months. If I add the months I nursed Sunshine we hit December of 2011. Add that up I dare you. Not a mathematics fan? Ok, let me help you. 2004-2011=7 years. 7 years=84 months. Plus 8 months nursing Sunshine =92 months. 4 full term pregnancies + 2 miscarriages in first trimester = 44 months pregnant. I nursed my kids for 10.5, 10, 9.5 & 8 months respectively. 10.5+11+9.5+8=39 months breastfeeding. Can you see where this is going? This means that of 92 previous consecutive months leading up to 2012, I was either pregnant or nursing 83 months!!!! Can we just all soak that in a bit? Momma is TIRED!

My body was not 1 of those "oooh I just loooooove being pregnant and I feel great!" bodies. It hated me, and it wasn't at all sure it like the baby either. I always knew I was pregnant because I started feeling like I was about to come down with the flu; only I'd get morning sickness instead. I felt borderline flu-like throughout all my pregnancies, and obviously didn't get much sleep what with the bladder issues and etc. Also? My kids are not the kind of kids who sleep well--or late. Maybe we are just terrible sleep trainers, maybe they are just hyper like Bob & I, maybe there are gnomes in their closets whispering "wake up wake up, sleep is for the weak!" I don't know. I do know not 1 of them ever slept through the night before 8 months, and Boy held out for 13 months. And for him, once he slept 'all night' meant he woke up at 4:30am. EVERY. DAY. For 8 or 9 months.

Needless to say, I started this year worn out. Little by little I am feeling more able to cope, more able to feel hopeful and energetic and like I can face life and maybe even accomplish things. I rest a lot. I think that is a healthy, useful, acceptable way to spend a good portion of my free time. But this is America folks, and when I look around I just don't see people or places that value healthy, useful ways to spend my time. I see ads for places to go and things to do and "experiences you don't want to miss!" I see kids in school for 7 hours and then in activities for 3 or 4 more hours 5 days a week and several hours more on weekends. And parents who work crazy hours and then stay up all night hand sewing halloween costumes because "crafting is fun". Don't get me wrong, I love watching Kid play soccer, and I do actually enjoy crafty projects. But you know what? I also enjoy sleep. Sleep is God's way of restoring our bodies to balance and health. It keeps us strong and able to think clearly. And I can promise you I do not think clearly if I stay up past 10. 9 or 9:30 would be better, but 10 is the cutoff. When I read that I feel a little old. And a little like I am surely missing out on whatever it is I used to do at night before I had kids.

So how does all this relate to the first paragraph? Well, I am trying to find a way to help my non self-starting self to be more proactive, even it is only with housework. I have been really beating myself up the last few years over how much I don't accomplish in comparison to other people I know, or see on blogs or whatnot. And while it's true I have a lot of room to grow as far as setting achievable goals for keeping the wheels on this crazy little life of ours, I've come to realize 1 other important truth. This season of tiny children and their hundreds of thousands of needs is no walk in the park. I may shake my head at strangers in Target who consistently say "you sure have your hands full!" because I think they're ridiculous but guess what? I do, in fact, have both hands very very full. And I like it. I admit I don't enjoy parts of this journey that are mandatory if I am going to stay home with my children. I loathe laundry and I despise dishes and I can't stand cooking while people hang on my legs and whine. But I DO like raising my kids myself, and not stuffing them into day care. I DO like spending time with all of them each day and knowing what is going on in their heads and lives. I DO like that they know I'll be around.

So I guess I have to find the delicate balance between the reality of my physically labor intensive stage of life and wanting to feel like I've accomplished a concrete task or 2 each day. Anyone have any ideas? All 3 of my readers feel free to comment! :)

Whirlwinds and Illness

First, foremost and always, may I say God is faithful? Thank you. I'll repeat it so it appears without a question mark. God is faithful. And good. And Brooklyn is alive, reasonably well, and has been so miraculously healed that she was released from the London hospital where she eventually arrived and she and her wonderful family returned to our city to finish her recovery. It may take several months before everything is stable enough to even consider their return to Sierra Leone, but she is ALIVE!!!! And she will be at church with us this Sunday. Where my eldest son will undoubtedly make inappropriate exclamations over the number of stitches in her arm. (One of her complications involved an incision the entire length of 1 arm to relieve swelling)

September passed in a tornado of prayer for our sweet girl and her family and we wouldn't have it any other way. Our little faith family really pulls out all the stops when it comes to loving on those of us in crisis and the enormity of Brookie's needs only made that trait shine. Our pastor flew to London on less than 12 hours notice, stayed a week to care and pray and just pour out all the love we feel for them and then came home and preached a sermon about what God taught him while he was away. All of us are just so thankful and relieved and giddy and amazed and generally in awe of all the ways God moved and the miracles he did to save her. I cannot express my joy for her mother, my friend who was at the point of despair when I first posted about their circumstances. It is all just so very very good. We revel in the goodness still, and I think that may go on awhile so forgive me if you get sick of hearing about it. We like revelry when there is such cause as this ok?

October has snuck in with a houseful of sick children which is disappointing but not shocking. Bob was superdad all weekend while I enjoyed a perfect getaway with 2 dear friends. I flew on a plane without children. I ate warm food someone else cooked without once wiping a chin, cutting someone's meat or getting up to fetch condiments napkins or more water for tiny hands. I slept straight through 2 nights in a row folks!!! It was a glimpse of heaven.

Unfortunately for Bob, Boy, Pixie and Sunshine were all sick for at least part of that time. Poor Boy is still miserable and coughing and sad and tired. And has to miss the most important field trip of the year at school tomorrow because he is just too sick. Sunshine got better for a bit but is now fretful and snotty and overtired again which is no fun either. Pixie ran a high fever most of last week and now seems to have generalized her symptoms to pure grumpy impossible-ness with an occasional temperature spike thrown in for good measure. Last night my flight arrived late, and thus I wasn't home until after midnight. Boy and Pixie were both awake, waiting for me. In their beds and quiet, but still awake. And since Boy slept in our bed to keep him from waking Kid and Pixie with his horrendous coughing fits I did not sleep much last night. That is not a complaint, but a factual statement. In light of all that has happened with Brooklyn I have decided I will not complain about sick children this year. Because honestly, what right do I have? They may be sick and cranky and taking care of them may wear me out and frustrate me but guess what? My doctor is 15 minutes away, sees me whenever we need him, answers his cell phone even after hours and has been known to call in a prescription just based on a phone conversation. We have hospitals nearby with all the equipment and expertise I could ever hope for and insurance to pay for it. And no matter how exhausting it may be to care for them and keep the wheels on our daily life, it is beyond unlikely that I will at any point be told my only chance to save their life is to separate myself from them indefinitely and send them thousands of miles away immediately and hope it is soon enough to avert tragedy. That being the case I will simply buy another bottle of children's ibuprofen, hunker down and wait out the snot and the coughing and the grumpy toddler.

If you don't hear from me for a bit, it is doubtless due to the germs my offspring are sharing amongst themselves.

And

Brooklyn is 8. She is sweet and shy and quiet, but very bubbly once she decides you're ok to be around. She and her brother Sam are 2 of my very favorite kids in the whole world. Which is actually saying a lot because we know A LOT of kids. Right now she is going through things most adults could not handle, in a strange country with a strange language, with her amazing but completely exhausted Dad by her side and her mother 2 countries away. She has had IVs, transfusions, reactions, complications and more complications. People all over the world are praying for her and her family right now, and I know it is helping. They've seen miracles already in her care and their ability to get what she needs. Soon she will move to another hospital in yet another country, this one with wonderful care and even better her Mother and brother will join her there. She will even get to see our Pastor, who will arrive before her and prepare some things for the family's comfort. He's a deep well of love and concern and hard work all at once and I'm so glad we can send him.

And yet she is still so close to dying. Every little procedure that doesn't go smoothly; each hour she stays anemic or dehydrated or undernourished or her body is just overwhelmed. We are still begging the Great Physician to work miracle after miracle until it almost feels greedy. And because He loves us so fervently and purely, I trust and believe He will continue healing her. And yet I'm scared He may not. And frustrated to know she suffers so much, and her parents whom I love and admire suffer too. And I'm angry too, because why in the world would God call them so clearly to move to this place to do this work that so desperately needs doing, only to allow this horrible stage of their journey? Why? WHY? I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't want to have keep waiting and weeping and waiting some more. I don't.

And then it hits me. I'm reminded and it brings comfort, albeit twisted backhand comfort. This is a broken, hurting world. And sweet Brooklyn and her family are just as subject to that brokenness and hurt as the rest of us. And none of it surprises God; he knows the hairs on her head and the freckles on her precious nose and the sparkle in her eye much better than we do. He knows what she needs and what her Daddy and her Mom need and what her tender-hearted brother needs too. HE knows. He has a plan and by His grace we'll see that plan unfold in ways none of us could imagine. So I breathe, and remind myself to be grateful for keeping her safe thus far instead of bitter she's on the journey at all. And I pray and join my friends in prayers and fasts and updates and more prayers all day and night. I think I have never in my life prayed this much for anyone, even myself. And I will not stop. Not until we hear she is healed, hydrated, happy and headed home. And just this once, I will lay my worries down at the foot of the cross with every prayer, with every breath and every step.

And it will all be enough for today. And tomorrow we'll do it again, because we love her so. And we know HE loves her so too.

Anger & Hope and everything in between

My dear friend's 8 year old daughter, Brooklyn, is currently in danger of dying from typhoid. They live in Sierra Leone, and her vaccine was apparently faulty because she got sick anyway. The update her Mom sent to our church this morning said her kidneys are shutting down so they're flying her to Ghana in the hopes of getting her stabilized and then moving her to London, but she added this sentence which has me praying and sobbing and angry and begging God to not let this come to be. "She's dying and won't make it." She had to write that about her precious little girl, less than 1 month after moving to a new country to help the fight against human trafficking. It is terrible.

I am heartbroken and just praying nonstop that God will intervene and miraculously heal her. It is all I can think about and I don't know what to do other than  pray and hold on to hope, especially since it sounds like her family cannot do that right now.

I have nothing else to say today.

I feel the need . . . the need for speed!

Name that movie.

Anyway, I feel the need to write but I have nothing to say. It's kind of funny actually, how often this happens to me. In the course of my day I am always thinking of things I want to blog about, or journal about or getting ideas for stories I could write; then something distracts me and when I actually sit down here to write I can't think of any of them.

The girls are resting and I checked a friends blog and she wrote the most beautiful post
about love and faith and how she wishes things could look different than they do now. I read it and thought "Yes! That is so true, that is exactly right, that is . . . what I wish I could write." Which made me realize something: I love to hear peoples' stories and thoughts much more than I love to write my own. I mean, I love to process things via writing and I do that a lot here, but what I REALLY REALLY love is listening to someone else. I love to hear the hearts of my friends and loved ones, and of those I only know from their blogs or some article a friend posts on facebook. I love to really listen and dig deep into what someone else has lovingly painstakingly written and just soak it all into my soul. I really really love it.

I wonder how I could do that more often? Is there a way to minister to others through listening--not like counselling, because that's not my strong suit--through just hearing what others have been through or are going through? Hmmm, I wonder.