Thankful

This year I have many things to be thankful for, and since I have been woefully undisciplined in posting for the gratitude community I thought I'd write about some of them. First, since I haven't officially said so here yet I will be thankful for our 4th child, due in late April. Our fall has been a whirlwind of change and transitions so finding out we were pregnant was quite a surprise. Bob and I took a little while to get used to it, but with each doctors visit where the baby is healthy we get a little more excited. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on my body so I am also thankful that so far it hasn't been nearly has tough as we have come to expect.

I am so thankful that school is going well for all 3 of our school aged children (I include Bob's kid brother in that number, since he lives here and all). Kid and Boy both love their teachers and have made new friends and learned things and are growing by the minute. I am thankful for 2 mornings each week to spend one on one with Baby, who loves the extra attention and is just so cute Bob and I can barely stand it. Also for her entering the stage where she learns new words every day and is so excited to have us understand her better with each one. My girl is a delight and we are thankful she is part of our family.

I am thankful for 'Bill' my kid brother in law. He is a great guy and watching him interact with our kids is so much fun. Plus he and Bob get to hang out a lot, which is so sweet to me; the age difference means they haven't lived in the same house since Bill was very young and they've missed each other.

I am thankful we have enough food to eat and a warm house to sleep in each night. And for little boys who still want to come snuggle their Daddy & Mommy in the mornings when they wake up, even though they're getting so big.

I am thankful for a husband who works hard every day to provide for us, and still wants to play with his kids and talk to his wife when he gets home. I am thankful for the stupendous man Bob is, and for the opportunity to share my life with him.

I am thankful for snow in the mountains, and our plans to play in them this winter.

I am thankful for Kid and Boy and their ridiculous boyish energy. They never stop, and while that can be exhausting they are so smart and funny and adorable and goofy that I cannot get enough of them.

I am thankful for my family and friends who are wonderful and crazy all at once.

Today, I am just thankful. Its a mindset I plan to cultivate more in my life.

Of Secrets and Love.

Someday, I hope my writing is as clear, heart-rending, relevant and insightful as this woman's.http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/why-tell-secrets.html She is wise and kind and I cannot fully express my gratitude to her for revealing some of her wounds. This particular post pierces my heart more than most, because the bonds of secrecy and the poisons they instill run deep in my soul, my past, my family. I have often been admonished or rejected or shamed by loved ones who are threatened by truth and by confronting secrets. But I really hate the "secret life". I always have, and it has always been a sticking point within my family. I don't really understand why so many people find truth so terrifying; to me the terror sets in when I contemplate preserving the lies. Yet their terror is real and because I love them I try--sometimes--to fight my nature and maintain their secrets to ease their fears. We have collective secrets because we are a family, and while our wounds run deep the love is deep too.
I struggle with the balance between the gracious but somewhat shallow love I know they want, and the honest love I see they need. It can feel like a tightrope act and is often exhausting. I pray I always find the energy and strength to push through the exhaustion to find more love. God never runs out of love, and surely these loved ones of mine deserve to see that. I know I do.

The new chapter

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.

educational whirlwind

Today Boy started preschool. He was so excited to finally be included in the wonderous world of "school" like Kid. He already has a plan for which toys and games he'll play with first when he goes back on Friday. It is beyond adorable to watch him drink in this new experience. And I am thankful for his enthusiasm; typically Boy isn't too keen on new places, especially if they don't inlclude Mom and Dad. He still gets upset sometimes being left in Sunday School and he's been with the same teachers and other children for nearly 2 years. Now its true his preschool is located in the same building as Bob's job so Daddy will be literally right down the hall. Still, he took some big steps toward "big boyhood" this morning. I am so proud of his little round headed self I can't stand it.

Kid is already a seasoned kindergartener and loves it. LOVES. IT. Yesterday the class went on a 3 hour hike and I didn't hear one complaint about tired feet or bugs or having to carry his own water bottle. I may nominate his teacher for sainthood on these facts alone. My little adventure lover is in his element and I am so thankful he can go to this school.

Baby is still a baby and I get to keep her home and snuggle her a little longer. That is exciting too, because if the past week has taught me anything it's that my Grandmother was right. They do grow up so fast.

Spinning out some thoughts

I posted earlier about how lately my brain feels jumbled and crowded with lots and lots of thoughts about things. Too many thoughts to sort and post all at once, but here is one I need to process by writing about it. I attend a playgroup with some dear friends once a week. I've known some of the mothers for year--since before we were even Moms--and I love them. They are dear, Godly, intelligent, beautiful women and we support each other in this absurd and wonderful journey through motherhood. And yet sometimes I just feel like an alien trying to decipher the codes of a foreign culture. Last week the subject of children's clothes and dressing them came up and I was at a loss for how to relate to anything they had to say. One friend said her 5 year old daughter is really into doing her own hair; I was thinking that sounded like fun to watch when she continued with the following. "But of course she has no idea what's she doing, so it always comes out looking terrible and I just can't let her go out in public like that."
Me: But is she proud of herself once she's done?
Friend 1: Rolls eyes affectionately at me. Yes, Kate she is. But she looks ridiculous and I can't stand it.
Friend 2: I know! I can't let my husband dress our son or he'll just be a mess.

Me: Friend 2, your son is 2 years old! Do you honestly think people care what he's wearing? Even Friend 1's 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.
***I have to be honest here, fashion and matters of social etiquette regarding clothing are not my forte and I tend to ignore them except for special occasions. I shoot for clean, without holes or ugly stains and children who are independent enough to dress themselves each morning. That being said, these women are women I admire and genuinely like and respect so I try to understand their perspectives on things I'm less than versed in; still, I was saddened by their responses.

Friend 1(with another exasperated sigh) Kate, you just don't understand. People will tease her, looking like that. Other kids will make fun of her.

Me: You really think 5 year olds care about fashion? Enough to mock someone? And Friend 2, you honestly believe there are adults judging you because your toddler doesn't "match"? I just don't think that's true.

Both of them responded that yes, they do indeed think other kids notice because THEY would notice and say(or at least think) something so surely children would too. And as far as random strangers they both felt people definitely would view them negatively as mothers if their child doesn't follow the norm. It made me sad. And angry. And confused. I stopped talking and let them finish the conversation without me because it was clear I'd have nothing of value to them to add. Situations like this always leave me feeling left out, freakish even. Being the misfit in a group is not new to me, but it still stings a bit. Especially amongst close friends. I don't LIKE to feel like an outcast; like my thoughts and beliefs make me somehow other, somehow less valuable than they.

Is it so crazy to believe that small children, as a rule, are more interested in someone's actions than their attire? That rather than be unkind to a little girl with an unusual hairstyle they might be intrigued and ask how she did it? Or that most people in a supermarket or on a sidewalk wouldn't even notice if my son wears a striped shirt with his plaid shorts? It doesn't seem like it should be so laughable an idea. Or if it is, shouldn't we work at changing that in ourselves and our children? To help them learn to gauge a person by their actions and their character and not their appearance? My friends are(generally speaking) strong, smart capable women who want their children to love God and grow into adults who serve him well. I just can't quite sort out how strong fashion sense and a desire to conform to trivial social norms simply to avoid the possibility of a rude remark fits into those life goals.

Now maybe I'm naive and it will be quite obvious to everyone that I am wrong here. It has happened before(many times:) and if that's the case I'd love to hear why. Frankly, it would be much easier if I am wrong. Then I could just adjust my own point of view and fit in nicely with my surroundings. Fitting in is just so much simpler and less tiring. But if I'm not, if what's actually true is we need to teach our children to think less about how other people think of them and more about how God thinks of them, then what? What should I have said to these friends to reach the heart of the issue without being judgemental or being blown off? What should I say to my own kids when they ask questions about fitting in or being teased? Tact and diplomacy are not my best skills so any advice would be welcome. This is an issue I think I'll be trying to work out for awhile.

So many tumbling thoughts.

I feel lately like my brain is a dryer on tumble. So many different ideas and thoughts and feelings tumbling around all day. I can't seem to straighten them out. I hope to find time in the next week or so, as I enter an exciting new phase of motherhood: school age children! Kid started kindergarten this morning and its an all day program. Boy starts preschool 2 mornings a week next week. This means--drumroll please--I will have 2 mornings each week with just Baby! I love the idea of more one on one time with both my youngest while Kid gets to enjoy the new challenges and structures of a classroom. I know many of my fellow bloggers have taken on home-schooling and I love that idea for some part of our life. For right now though, Kid needs extra stimulation and challenges from someone outside our home, and I need some time to rest. Kid is a constant cyclone of energy and needs verbal feedback a lot. I love his curiosity and desire to learn but I think lately I've either been neglecting Boy and Baby to attend to his questions or neglecting Kid to attend to Boy and Baby. So this year I am looking forward to re-gaining some balance as a Mom.
I have more to say but no more time to say it.