This week

All 3 boys have spring break. Kid and Boy were offered the chance to go to a basketball camp at no charge through Bob's job. He signed them up; I was not thrilled at first. I thought it would mean I'd have to rush around each morning getting them ready, just like for school and it sounded exhausting.

Then only yesterday or the day before, I realized it really means that Baby and I will have all morning long to hang out and relax and rest! For 5 consecutive days!! Today was delicious, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be too. As the time for little quattro girl to be born gets closer, I find myself more and more loving quiet days where I may not accomplish many tangible tasks but at least I don't feel wrung out by mid-afternoon and dread the rest of the day. The slower pace can chafe my fidget-y soul but it is good and necessary for my mental and physical health and for Quattro's. It is a true gift and I am loving it.

The other amazing thing is that last night Bill offered to volunteer with the camp the boys are at and forego sleeping in all week. I was shocked he'd even consider hanging out for 3 hours a day with a bunch of little kids instead of doing what teenagers love to do--sleep for hours and hours on end because they can. He seemed like he had fun when I picked up the little boys so I am glad he's getting out of the house and enjoying himself. He's a sweet kid and I need to remember that more often.

May anyone reading this have a blessed and restful week, like mine is shaping up to be.

Since last time . . . .

We have been sick. Baby & Bill each took a turn at a nasty vomiting flu week before last, and this last week has seen poor Kid with a high fever and bad cough which lead to nasal congestion which lead to an ear infection which lead to his eardrum rupturing. Poor little guy is just so tired of feeling lousy. Boy has been sort of up and down with acting like he might come down with something one day, but being fine the next. Thursday and yesterday he had a high fever and was super lethargic but hasn't developed much else besides a runny nose. We are praying he stays healthy, because I came down with bronchitis & a sinus problem and Bob's long standing cough has returned with more fervor. I have been nearly useless since Wednesday evening which, as a Mom, is quite frankly infuriating. This morning I thought I felt a little better, so I tried to do a few things. Literally maybe 3 things around the house after I had showered and given the kids breakfast. (Today was Bob's turn to sleep in, in an effort to allow us both extra rest & healing) By the time he got up around 9, I had to nap in our recliner for nearly an hour because I was exhausted, short of breath and borderline feverish. Ugh.

In general I don't stay sick very long. If I can get one good day of rest with a long night's sleep most illnesses just don't stick. Except that I'm pregnant; I seem to forget how much that can effect my body's ability to cope somehow. When I went to the doctor(2nd visit from our fam in 2 days thank you very much) he took a look at me, squinted a little and said "Where are the reinforcements at your house?"
I laughed a bit sarcastically and told him Kid was still sick and Bill had school. He didn't seem to see the humor but I figure when I'm this ill and my kids are ill and needy and Bob had some things he simply couldn't leave undone at work, then all I can do is laugh and keep trying. Such is life when you have no family nearby and all your friends have kids of their own who they don't want to expose to your sicknesses. I got some delightful prescriptions and Bob not only came home early that day, he worked from home all day Friday just so I could lay around wallowing in my respiratory issues. In spite of all this, I am working hard at being thankful so I will list some things I am grateful for today.

I am thankful for prescriptions that are readily available and seem to be working. I am thankful for children who see hours of tv viewing as a special treat they'll sit still to watch. I am incredibly thankful that unborn baby is still healthy and kicking up a storm despite my current wimpy weakness. I am thankful for the prayers of friends who love us and stand beside us during rough weeks. I am thankful for beautiful spring like weather and an adorable flower girl dress for Baby at a sale price. And I am especially thankful to hear that a dear family member is safe and sound with his lovely wife in Japan. I pray for those in need there, and for those who are not safe and sound and able to call their family to reassure them.

Things I learn from my 6 year old.

Yesterday I had to apologize to Kid at bedtime. I had been impatient and harsh with him all during dinner and the time leading up to it. I told him I was sorry I let my frustrations get the best of me and that I would try to do better tomorrow. His response melted my tired, grumpy heart and left me humble before his graciousness. "It's okay Mommy, that's in the past. I love you." Followed up with a giant hug and an extra I love you.

"And a little child shall lead them." Indeed.

Sometimes I wonder

Some days I am so glad to have my life. We are, in truth, so very blessed. Our children are healthy and bright and know we love them. We have a home and food and Bob has a job to keep those things going. Kid loves school and he's getting a great education. Bill is doing well. Unborn baby is strong and growing on schedule. Our friends are amazing and we have a wonderful community to support us during times of stress. The list could go on, but I'll stop and get back to my point.

Some days I feel so blessed and honored by our life. And then something inside me chirps "But is this it? Isn't there more to God's plan than health and comfort and simplicity of daily life?" And I stop and ask myself, is there? I don't know. I hope so, because despite our conventional life I am dreamer and I dream of so many things. Things that seem more eternal that a lot of my life right now. Things that aren't sweeping my kitchen floor or folding laundry. Things that don't involve 20 minute conversations about who cuts my friends' hair and why they like him/her. (Not kidding, 20 minutes on hair. I had nothing to say.) Things that help my kids see how many other people exist in this world who need to know we love them, or help getting healthy or even just food and a bed--or even better, things that actually provide those items to the folks who need them. Things that MATTER. Bob and I both dream a lot about the hows and whens and whys of working toward those things; I hope someday we can do more than pray about them.

I keep thinking we're almost to a place where we'll have unused energy and time to do more concrete work on things I see as "externally eternal". Things that aren't "just raising kids". I know raising our children and caring for their needs is incredibly important, even holy, and yet there are days I feel as though we don't do anything else. At all. Ever. So I keep hoping the kids will be in a stage that might give us more flexibility in our schedule, or our finances will even out a little and give us more ability to give to worthy causes, or I don't know exactly what would change but something. So far we have not reached that place. With little unborn baby on the way we probably won't anytime soon either and I find myself . . .ambivalent. I am so excited to meet our little girl and have one last "tiny baby" set of memories. I am also a little frustrated and unsure about how adding another needy little person to our family will change the dynamics. I wish I had more time to myself, and yet I wish I was less selfish and more gracious in how I give my time as a mother. I just can't quite understand what God is whispering to my heart. I do feel He's trying to get a message through though, which is at least a little reassuring. Being confused is better than feeling overlooked or forgotten. I'm going to keep listening and see if it helps. Its a pondering, listening kind of day.

Heaven on Earth

On Friday morning I sent Bob a text asking him to help me think up some strategies for my sleep issues. Mostly right now my main issue is that Boy wakes up by 5:45am most days, and if I am up in the night with any of the kids, his early start is just more than my pregnant body can handle. I don't actually do all that well with his wake up routine even when I am not pregnant, but that's another post. I feel like a zombie--a cranky, mean hearted zombie who may or may not yell at her children just for acting chipper and awake at 6:15. Its no fun.

Anyway, I sent Bob the text and his response totally blew me away. Out of the water to a mountain far from the seaside. Instead of any number of expected answers, he said I had been needing a break anyway and promptly booked me 2 nights in a nearby hotel to hide from our children and sleep without interruption. I have already basked in the 2 nights and 2 days of rest and come home again and I am still in shock. His only instructions were not to spend more than a set amount on my food and entertainment(which is only fair), and that if I "started freaking out about paying for this he would go 'ape sh#t'" He's a wonderful man, have I mentioned that?

One result of this truly glorious reprieve is I suddenly feel able to hope for a less chaotic future, and continue functioning almost normally amidst the current disorder for awhile more. Another is that I feel like I've actually slept for the past 2 nights, which hasn't happened in 6 months at least. Plus I got the added bonus of a few hours to hang with my dearest friend, whom I have known since college and rarely get to talk with when there are neither children nor husbands around. Altogether this was a much needed and divine gift for which I am more grateful than mere words can ever express.

I have to repeat that Bob is quite possibly the most amazing man ever born and I am blessed to be his wife.

Addendum to yesterday

Re-reading my post about stuff I noticed I left out an important layer of my current state of mind. I ponder all these things, this dissatisfaction with the muchness of my life simply because I so often wonder whether Bob & I are missing the boat on God's desires. I believe God loves to see us doing what we love, and using the gifts and traits He gave us to serve Him and the world. Parenting young children requires us to sacrifice time and resources we might spend on any number of other worthy pursuits. That can be hard, but I believe this age when my kids are little is precious and important and so I am usually ok emotionally with putting off things I love for a few years to care for these little ones I love even more. Usually. But sometimes I wonder whether if I could just get a little better handle on some of my daily tasks, there wouldn't be time for me to pursue a few things I love even now.

If I could pare down some of our junk, would that make cleaning easier and quicker so I could improve my sewing? (a hobby I wish I could be better at, and do more often) Or if our grocery menu was more intentionally planned, would there be extra money in the budget for some much needed car maintenance, thus easing tension for Bob & I and giving us freedom to focus on loving our kids?

Overall I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by the natural state of chaos we seem to live in, and am trying to sort out if there any ways to create just a tiny bit more order.

Now I am in full pregnancy rambling mode so I should stop. :)

February is not my favorite month.

We live in Colorado. It is winter. While it is true that we do not live in the mountains and thus our winters are much more temperate and manageable than my childhood home in the upper mid-west, I still struggle with cabin fever. The last 2 weeks have been cold and snowy. With most days below freezing and a lot even below zero. I can handle cold when necessary, and this winter has been so hard in other areas of the country that I try not to complain. I was doing really well until about yesterday afternoon. The funny thing is what has me most irritated isn't the weather and the way it coops us up in the house sometimes. No, I am annoyed by my stuff. The sheer oppressive volume of our possessions is so overwhelming to me right now I could vomit. We are not a couple who buys a lot of stuff either. We splurge sometimes and our kids have several hundred toys because they have a lot of extended family to spoil them, but honestly we don't buy much besides food and diapers on any kind of regular basis. And yet everywhere I look I see things. Toys. Clothes. Computer equipment. Tools. Dishes. More Clothes and toys. Cars. Bikes. The list could go on an embarassingly long time. I know we are blessed beyond measure to live in a basically snug, safe home with enough of the essentials to go around. I know this. I tell myself this multiple times a day because I feel guilty for despising so much of what so many people would give anything to have.

But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.

Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.

Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.