Dang it.

I just found out I will most likely not be seeing my grandmother this summer. Dang it. I don't mean to sound flippant about this, because the truth is I am heartbroken. My grandmother lives overseas and I see her rarely, and the last time she visited the states I was unable to go see her; there were good reasons for my not making that trip--baby was only about 3 weeks old--but I could have made something work. At the time I decided not to, because I thought she would be coming back this summer. And now she isn't--there is some room for hope but not much. And now I am so very sad. My Nana is elderly, and she has had some hard things in her life the last few years and traveling halfway across the globe is difficult for her. So I understand her choice, but still I am sad. I am sad because I haven't spent more than perhaps a few hours with her in the last 15 years or so and even then it has been amidst large groups of my relatives(very large groups, we're quite a tribe). I am sad because my children have never met her and she's the only living great-grandparent on my side of the family and I want them to know their heritage. I am especially sad because she is a link to my Dad, who is no longer living and I miss him terribly sometimes. She is a remarkable woman and I want so much to be able to spend some time with her before she leaves this world. I am going to be kicking myself for not turning my life even more upside down than it already was when she came last year. Kicking hard. That is all I can find to say.