hitchhiking on someone else's idea

Today I watched a video about marriage, posted by a fellow blogger. She's a wise woman who thinks complicated issues through with a clarity I admire. The part that stood out to me was(paraphrased): "If you see marriage as a way to get your needs met, you will be disappointed. You have to learn to view marriage as a life of service."

Wow. Not that I didn't know that, but honestly wow. Serving others in any fashion isn't exactly a hot trend here in America, so to hear this about one of the most fundamental relationships in society is jarring. But I needed to hear this today, in this season. To be reminded that the important, relevant thing is to serve and not seek to be served. To hear that other people know how difficult this can be, when life is crazy and things feel topsy-turvy is a wonderful thing to hear. To know that my own needs, while important, should not be the focus of my life is as freeing as it is subversive. Sometimes I think my biggest problem in finding satisfaction or fulfillment(2 horrendously over-used jargon words I dislike using) is that I seek it out in all the wrong places. Rather than complain no one notices how hard I work, I should be noticing how hard others work, especially Bob and the kids.(yes all that playing kids do is hard work! But that's another post entirely)
Rather than resent people who seem to have it easier, I should try to help those who have it harder and see their struggles as opportunities for me to be Jesus to a hurting world. This kind of behavior does not come naturally to me; I admit it. I like to get my way and have things work out according my own plans and timelines. I don't enjoy struggles or un-met wants. I don't like when people who love me call me on my own shortcomings--especially if they're right.
But that is probably the point my blogger friend is making. Marriage--or life in general as this post seems to have become about--isn't supposed to be about giving me what I like or even what I want. It's supposed to be God's way of providing for what I need and growing me into the person He created me to be and helping display his extravagant love for us to the world.
Huh. All that from a few sentences on an 8 minute video. who knew?

ps the video can be seen here: http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2011/07/husbands-are-not-accessories-plain-talk.html

Anyone?

Am I the only one who finds the "western" pursuit of more-ness exhausting? More money, more stuff, more leisure time, more excitement, more money and stuff. It all just makes me overwhelmed and sad and irritated and tired somehow. I suppose this is what makes me feel so constantly out of place in my own culture, which in itself can be exhausting. Honestly though, how many of us really need more of anything? Adding another person's belongings to our house, tiny though they are (little one being a baby and all) seems to have exacerbated my already tense relationship with our possessions and pushed me to the point of wanting to simply throw out or give away large portions of our household. Especially clothes and toys and shoes. Our shoes reproduce on their own when I'm not looking, I'm fairly certain. Even, on my more desperate days, books! Generally speaking I have a borderline obsessive connection to my books and therefore never want to be parted from them. Ever. Even when we've moved and the boxes they're in are insanely heavy. Books make my life feel complete. I hope to find a balance, and some motivation to actually get rid of a few things to ease the crowded state of our home.

Sigh. The "problems" of american life. Ridiculous no?

I need to post more, because it would mean I am writing more. Only whenever I think of something I want to say I am not able to sit down and write it, and then later I can no longer remember what I wanted to say.

I am in the midst of some tough emotional struggles right now, made worse by my still being smack dab in the middle of post-partum mood swings. I feel as though I spend nearly as much energy each day to drown out the lies that seem to appear in my head at every turn as I spend on my actual life. And lately--for some reason I cannot really identify--anytime more than 2 noises happen at once I begin to shut down. Sometimes I literally begin to freeze up physically and have to force myself not to cover my ears and hum to drown it all out. This does not make it easy to live in a house with 3 ridiculously verbal and articulate young children, a baby who cries occasionally, a husband who finds silence stifling and tends to fill it with loud music or games that include screaming children, and a teenager who isn't really all that loud but turns the volume up on every. single. thing. always. no matter what. I'm not sure what that's all about but it is frustrating and moderately inconvenient.
On the plus side I have noticed I am finally after nearly 30 years of work making progress on controlling my horrendously quick temper. I catch myself remembering to stop and breathe deeply and slowly in and out before I answer a child, so that my answer isn't ground out between clenched teeth or shouted out angrily as though said child has done something life threatening. Usually it is more along the lines of "Mom can I have more cereal?" or "Mom, if batman was a bad guy and fought Superman, who would win?" Thus not things that ought to elicit rage. Except, you know for the weird auditory overload thing.
Onward and upward, as my mother used to say.