Lately I feel like my life has somehow become a high speed freight train of going going going, but never actually getting anywhere. Everything, from our schedule to Bob's job to the roller coaster of emotions 4 kids provide to keeping the house somewhat put together just feels so frantic and unendingly exhausting. I wake up each day and lay in bed praying "Please God. Just today, just once can we(meaning Bob & I) not feel overwhelmed and totally spent by noon? Pretty Please?" And then I get up and shower and dress and diaper and feed kids and hustle the boys out the door for school and load and unload them from the car 40 eleven times and clean and cook and fold and wash and and and and and. And Bob is stressed and hating work life and cannot catch a break to save his life where occupation is concerned.
And we are trying, each day to seek the joy and find the good and focus on the many blessings and things for which we are truly soul deep grateful. Some days it works, some days not. Lately, despite all the good and intentional choosing of focus I feel beaten. Conquered. Unable to slow down, breath, chill. I walk around with the satirical but so appropriate thought of someone somewhere who said "STOP THE WORLD I WANNA GET OFF!" Everything is just too much, too fast, too zooming along out of control.
Want to know the most ridiculous part of it all? We don't have that much going. I mean sure 4 kids 7.5 and younger is quite a bit of parenting and herding and whatnot, and school just started for Kid and Boy, but seriously we Don't. Do. Any. Thing. On Tuesday night we paid a sitter and went out for the evening together. It was I think the 4th time since last December we have done something so crazy. And that makes this a HUGE year event-wise. No one is in any clubs or sports or classes beyond the school day. Both boys attend the same school for the same number of hours each day. Said school is less than 6 blocks from our house. The girls and I are home large portions of each day with the flexibility to do or not do as needed. They can nap and play and "help" with housework. We go to church most Sunday evenings and occasionally do fun things with other families on weekends. That. IS. All. While it is true that over the summer Bob has somehow ended up(despite many assurances this would not continue) working 10-12 hour days several days a week and getting called on to help others on weekends, which makes for a grumpy tired husband and sad Daddy-missing children; it is also true that most of the husbands I know have to do that and seem to go along fine. I don't understand it all really, which is what makes me blog it in the hopes I will magically figure it out as I write. I'll let you know how that goes.
On most of the "cool" blogs I read, the writers seem to arrive at some profound, or at least coherent, point at the end and sign off having shared said point with clarity and passion and panache. I feel cloudy, lukewarm and as clumsy as a pregnant women on crutches. And like I have not made any point at all, except I keep trying to simplify our life and ease the stress of too much doing and still it feels a burdensome load. I guess this is one of those seasons where we will just keep on keepin' on and hope the steps we're taking pay off down the road. I can endure. I can. I can even (sometimes) do it cheerfully.
Have I mentioned I hate intentionally practicing patience and tranquility?
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