Thankful

This year I have many things to be thankful for, and since I have been woefully undisciplined in posting for the gratitude community I thought I'd write about some of them. First, since I haven't officially said so here yet I will be thankful for our 4th child, due in late April. Our fall has been a whirlwind of change and transitions so finding out we were pregnant was quite a surprise. Bob and I took a little while to get used to it, but with each doctors visit where the baby is healthy we get a little more excited. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on my body so I am also thankful that so far it hasn't been nearly has tough as we have come to expect.

I am so thankful that school is going well for all 3 of our school aged children (I include Bob's kid brother in that number, since he lives here and all). Kid and Boy both love their teachers and have made new friends and learned things and are growing by the minute. I am thankful for 2 mornings each week to spend one on one with Baby, who loves the extra attention and is just so cute Bob and I can barely stand it. Also for her entering the stage where she learns new words every day and is so excited to have us understand her better with each one. My girl is a delight and we are thankful she is part of our family.

I am thankful for 'Bill' my kid brother in law. He is a great guy and watching him interact with our kids is so much fun. Plus he and Bob get to hang out a lot, which is so sweet to me; the age difference means they haven't lived in the same house since Bill was very young and they've missed each other.

I am thankful we have enough food to eat and a warm house to sleep in each night. And for little boys who still want to come snuggle their Daddy & Mommy in the mornings when they wake up, even though they're getting so big.

I am thankful for a husband who works hard every day to provide for us, and still wants to play with his kids and talk to his wife when he gets home. I am thankful for the stupendous man Bob is, and for the opportunity to share my life with him.

I am thankful for snow in the mountains, and our plans to play in them this winter.

I am thankful for Kid and Boy and their ridiculous boyish energy. They never stop, and while that can be exhausting they are so smart and funny and adorable and goofy that I cannot get enough of them.

I am thankful for my family and friends who are wonderful and crazy all at once.

Today, I am just thankful. Its a mindset I plan to cultivate more in my life.

Of Secrets and Love.

Someday, I hope my writing is as clear, heart-rending, relevant and insightful as this woman's.http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/why-tell-secrets.html She is wise and kind and I cannot fully express my gratitude to her for revealing some of her wounds. This particular post pierces my heart more than most, because the bonds of secrecy and the poisons they instill run deep in my soul, my past, my family. I have often been admonished or rejected or shamed by loved ones who are threatened by truth and by confronting secrets. But I really hate the "secret life". I always have, and it has always been a sticking point within my family. I don't really understand why so many people find truth so terrifying; to me the terror sets in when I contemplate preserving the lies. Yet their terror is real and because I love them I try--sometimes--to fight my nature and maintain their secrets to ease their fears. We have collective secrets because we are a family, and while our wounds run deep the love is deep too.
I struggle with the balance between the gracious but somewhat shallow love I know they want, and the honest love I see they need. It can feel like a tightrope act and is often exhausting. I pray I always find the energy and strength to push through the exhaustion to find more love. God never runs out of love, and surely these loved ones of mine deserve to see that. I know I do.

The new chapter

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.

educational whirlwind

Today Boy started preschool. He was so excited to finally be included in the wonderous world of "school" like Kid. He already has a plan for which toys and games he'll play with first when he goes back on Friday. It is beyond adorable to watch him drink in this new experience. And I am thankful for his enthusiasm; typically Boy isn't too keen on new places, especially if they don't inlclude Mom and Dad. He still gets upset sometimes being left in Sunday School and he's been with the same teachers and other children for nearly 2 years. Now its true his preschool is located in the same building as Bob's job so Daddy will be literally right down the hall. Still, he took some big steps toward "big boyhood" this morning. I am so proud of his little round headed self I can't stand it.

Kid is already a seasoned kindergartener and loves it. LOVES. IT. Yesterday the class went on a 3 hour hike and I didn't hear one complaint about tired feet or bugs or having to carry his own water bottle. I may nominate his teacher for sainthood on these facts alone. My little adventure lover is in his element and I am so thankful he can go to this school.

Baby is still a baby and I get to keep her home and snuggle her a little longer. That is exciting too, because if the past week has taught me anything it's that my Grandmother was right. They do grow up so fast.

Spinning out some thoughts

I posted earlier about how lately my brain feels jumbled and crowded with lots and lots of thoughts about things. Too many thoughts to sort and post all at once, but here is one I need to process by writing about it. I attend a playgroup with some dear friends once a week. I've known some of the mothers for year--since before we were even Moms--and I love them. They are dear, Godly, intelligent, beautiful women and we support each other in this absurd and wonderful journey through motherhood. And yet sometimes I just feel like an alien trying to decipher the codes of a foreign culture. Last week the subject of children's clothes and dressing them came up and I was at a loss for how to relate to anything they had to say. One friend said her 5 year old daughter is really into doing her own hair; I was thinking that sounded like fun to watch when she continued with the following. "But of course she has no idea what's she doing, so it always comes out looking terrible and I just can't let her go out in public like that."
Me: But is she proud of herself once she's done?
Friend 1: Rolls eyes affectionately at me. Yes, Kate she is. But she looks ridiculous and I can't stand it.
Friend 2: I know! I can't let my husband dress our son or he'll just be a mess.

Me: Friend 2, your son is 2 years old! Do you honestly think people care what he's wearing? Even Friend 1's 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.
***I have to be honest here, fashion and matters of social etiquette regarding clothing are not my forte and I tend to ignore them except for special occasions. I shoot for clean, without holes or ugly stains and children who are independent enough to dress themselves each morning. That being said, these women are women I admire and genuinely like and respect so I try to understand their perspectives on things I'm less than versed in; still, I was saddened by their responses.

Friend 1(with another exasperated sigh) Kate, you just don't understand. People will tease her, looking like that. Other kids will make fun of her.

Me: You really think 5 year olds care about fashion? Enough to mock someone? And Friend 2, you honestly believe there are adults judging you because your toddler doesn't "match"? I just don't think that's true.

Both of them responded that yes, they do indeed think other kids notice because THEY would notice and say(or at least think) something so surely children would too. And as far as random strangers they both felt people definitely would view them negatively as mothers if their child doesn't follow the norm. It made me sad. And angry. And confused. I stopped talking and let them finish the conversation without me because it was clear I'd have nothing of value to them to add. Situations like this always leave me feeling left out, freakish even. Being the misfit in a group is not new to me, but it still stings a bit. Especially amongst close friends. I don't LIKE to feel like an outcast; like my thoughts and beliefs make me somehow other, somehow less valuable than they.

Is it so crazy to believe that small children, as a rule, are more interested in someone's actions than their attire? That rather than be unkind to a little girl with an unusual hairstyle they might be intrigued and ask how she did it? Or that most people in a supermarket or on a sidewalk wouldn't even notice if my son wears a striped shirt with his plaid shorts? It doesn't seem like it should be so laughable an idea. Or if it is, shouldn't we work at changing that in ourselves and our children? To help them learn to gauge a person by their actions and their character and not their appearance? My friends are(generally speaking) strong, smart capable women who want their children to love God and grow into adults who serve him well. I just can't quite sort out how strong fashion sense and a desire to conform to trivial social norms simply to avoid the possibility of a rude remark fits into those life goals.

Now maybe I'm naive and it will be quite obvious to everyone that I am wrong here. It has happened before(many times:) and if that's the case I'd love to hear why. Frankly, it would be much easier if I am wrong. Then I could just adjust my own point of view and fit in nicely with my surroundings. Fitting in is just so much simpler and less tiring. But if I'm not, if what's actually true is we need to teach our children to think less about how other people think of them and more about how God thinks of them, then what? What should I have said to these friends to reach the heart of the issue without being judgemental or being blown off? What should I say to my own kids when they ask questions about fitting in or being teased? Tact and diplomacy are not my best skills so any advice would be welcome. This is an issue I think I'll be trying to work out for awhile.

So many tumbling thoughts.

I feel lately like my brain is a dryer on tumble. So many different ideas and thoughts and feelings tumbling around all day. I can't seem to straighten them out. I hope to find time in the next week or so, as I enter an exciting new phase of motherhood: school age children! Kid started kindergarten this morning and its an all day program. Boy starts preschool 2 mornings a week next week. This means--drumroll please--I will have 2 mornings each week with just Baby! I love the idea of more one on one time with both my youngest while Kid gets to enjoy the new challenges and structures of a classroom. I know many of my fellow bloggers have taken on home-schooling and I love that idea for some part of our life. For right now though, Kid needs extra stimulation and challenges from someone outside our home, and I need some time to rest. Kid is a constant cyclone of energy and needs verbal feedback a lot. I love his curiosity and desire to learn but I think lately I've either been neglecting Boy and Baby to attend to his questions or neglecting Kid to attend to Boy and Baby. So this year I am looking forward to re-gaining some balance as a Mom.
I have more to say but no more time to say it.

The FAM

So the thing about me is, I come from an enormous family. Seriously. My extended family is practically its own country there are so many of us. If only I were exaggerating a little. And I have to say that I LOVE it. Its true Thanksgiving can be a bit chaotic when 50 of my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses and children sit down to dinner, but we make it work. And yes, sometimes we argue, or people fight or so and so isn't talking to thus and such because large families, like junior high, have drama. That being said, I cannot explain how much I enjoy showing up at a house full of people I haven't seen in months--or years, or sometimes ever before in my life(more on that later)--and being welcomed and hugged and helped with my active children and told to eat anything that looks appealing. I love to eat, and family gatherings always include food. We are an eating group; in fact I'm pretty sure this month we are single-handedly supporting the grocery and liquor economy of a certain suburb of St. Paul, Minnesota.

I should back up a bit and give some backstory here. First and foremost, my paternal Grandparents were each 1 of 6 siblings, and were devout Catholics. Thus, Nanna and Grandpa had 12 children, and most of their siblings had 5 or 10 more. Once you add up all the kids in my father's generation from both sides of his family you get something like 82 offspring. And a large number of those 82 offspring grew up and got married and had a least a few kids of their own, and now we kids are having kids, and the numbers are truly getting a bit ridiculous. Aside from the sheer size we have a few other quirks that make us unique. For example about 70% of these people still live in and around the St. Paul, Minnesota area. This means that unlike a lot of folks, I can recognize and name large groups of my 2nd and 3rd cousins. Even some 4th, if there is such a title. We see each other often enough that we can chat about jobs and kids and uncle Whoosit that did something crazy at the last family wedding. So geography and reproduction have worked together to create the perfect storm of and Irish/Polish version of the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Its fun. And insane. But mostly fun.
The other thing about my family is this: Nanna is hard core. When Grandpa passed away in the 1960s, she was left alone with no marketable job skills and 8 of her dozen children still living at home. She had her husband's pension to live on, but postal workers didn't exactly break the bank in those days so it didn't go very far. Did she move back in with her mother? Sign up for Welfare and Food stamps? Plead with her priest for help from the benevolence fund? Nope, not my Nanna. Instead, she packed up her kids and moved to Perth. As in the western coast of Australia. The far side of the planet from here. The currency exchange was in her favor at the time and she felt American culture was turning away from the values she held dear. So off they went, and they've mostly stayed there ever since. So I have 15 or 20 cousins here in the states, and the 20 or 25 more in the land down under. It can be sort of bizarre to hear updates about cousins I've never met, but a lot of them have made trips to see us and someday Bob and I will pack up our kids and go visit them too. We're having a reunion this summer and a bunch of them have travelled here to see us for several weeks. Its a good time.

So anyway, these days Nana is 93 and still lives on her own. She generally enjoys good health, still has all her marbles and her own teeth and goes along swimmingly. She has a lot of support from my family there, and takes it easy when necessary. She has built a life there and seems to be happy. But this year is different; this year is the 2010 family reunion and it is happening in Minnesota. So what does she do? Well she buys a ticket and packs a bag and traipses off the America to oversee the proceedings of course!!!

This woman amazes me. I cannot tell you how incredible I find her and her life. She has outlived her husband by more than 50 years, her twin sister by nearly 20, and 2 other siblngs as well. She moved away from her entire family to another country all alone and made a successful life for herself and her children. She has buried 3 of her children, one of whom lived with her at the time of her death. She is currently dealing with the decline of one of my aunts, who has alzheimers. There are countless hardships and struggles that could easily have made her bitter or crazy or just plain killed her. But she is still kind and and loving and laughs a lot. She gives her family as much time and prayer and support as she is able and it amounts to a lot. This week she was actually hospitalized during her visit for an infection that had us all worried but came home to my uncles house a few days later and was just as independent and stubborn as ever. She remembers names and faces of her grandchildren and their spouses and her great-grandchildren. (that amounts to about 80 names and faces, in case you were wondering) I am in awe of her. She is a force of nature, and I am so thankful her illness wasn't more serious and she will be with us a while longer. The reunion wouldn't be the same without her and neither would I. I need to write several more posts about all the goings on but first I have to sleep and then get up with my children in the morning. I'll do my best to keep you posted, assuming anyone ever reads this thing.

Gratitude Community

I am way behind. Here is a list of some truly amazing things in my life right now.

Our re-financing happened. Smoothly and with better results than we had hoped for.

Baby is nearly walking, and loves to show off her new skill.

Kid is suddenly more affectionate. Hugs and Snuggles are a real gift from him.

Bob is finally working on a project he's been wanting to start for months. It makes him happy.

We had a few days of rain, and now the sun is out again.

My brother is visiting and he's just lots of fun.

Baby is a delightfully impish little thing. She makes me laugh.

Boy is happy and safe and not traumatized by some sad events in his life.

Boy and Kid are playing together really well.

It smells like wet, freshly rained on grass outside.

I like my life.

Dear Unnamed Parent

Dear Parent of the child who recently harmed my son,

Please do not take it personally that I will not be returning any future calls from you. I have to keep 'Boy* safe, and I don't think you'll help me. Please also do not pretend everything is okay with your child when his actions clearly state the opposite. 5 year olds don't act they way he did without cause; I have no idea what your struggles are or how you deal with them, but I'm certain there are some. And they're big ones. It would also be really helpful to me if you just left us alone and didn't actually call me. That way I won't have to try to explain to 'Kid* why we can't play with your son anymore. I really do not want to have 'Kid do one of his relentless questions until Mommy gives a full and complete answer sessions. What your son did was wrong and sad and could have harmed 'Boy for life: I'd like to avoid 'Kid even knowing these dangers exist for awhile yet. If I can. He's already asking hard questions about good and evil and how they interact and sometimes I just want to keep him ignorant of how hard the world can be to live in. He's only 5.

Finally--just for your own future reference--it is unacceptable to leave your child in someone else's care and then be MIA for several hours while those caregivers try to reach you. But your family friend who did your job for you when I brought him home early and explained what had happened was a kind, wise woman and I appreciate her handling of the situation more than I can say.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

My son's mother.

**I've decided Superkid and Wonderboy are going to get much too long to type consistently and have thus abbreviated them as above.

If you read this, please share.

Today I was reading a favorite blog of mine and came across this post. http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2010/05/asking-for-help.html

Please read it, and share it and donate if you can. Problems like this orphanage faces seem bizarre here in our safe, insulated western life. But they are real, and the children suffering are real and need our help. So if you can, please do. And encourage others you know to help as well.

Thank You.

Today

It is May 12th. I live in central Colorado(not in the mountains). This morning when I woke up there were 2 inches of snow on the ground.

That is all.

Kidless weekend

This weekend my children are staying with friends. We dropped them off yesterday evening around 6 and don't have to pick them up until tomorrow morning. It has been, quite simply, divine! Now don't misunderstand me. I love my children; adore them. I cover them with kisses and hugs and tickles at every opportunity, just in case they don't pick up on how much love it takes to do all those loads of laundry and dishes and cook all those meals and wipe all those bottoms and noses. But let's be honest people: children are exhausting. I'm reasonably sure parenthood is the most exhausting occupation ever created. So rest from that work--true rest without interuption--is just heavenly. I slept in this morning, and took a shower, and went out to breakfast with my husband. We wandered around stores and dreamed of things we'd like to buy and how they would change our life and laughed and chatted and generally acted as though we hadn't a care in the world. And for today, we didn't. What a beautiful thing.

This is what I've accomplished this week:

In my family, my mother makes quilts when babies are born. Cousins, neighbors, co-workers, pretty much anybody she knows and likes a lot gets a quilt. Or anyone she feels obligated to make one for too but let's not digress into her issues with felt obligation. And my aunts and cousins make one for the firstborn child in each family too, so we have a lot of quilts around here. Anyway my SIL (hubby's sister) just had a baby and since he's the first cousin for us on Bob's side I thought I'd continue the tradition. I thought I had until mid-May to finish it, but then he was born early and I decided to try and get it done before her baby shower. The shower is on Saturday and since it's in another state I wanted to mail it by today to avoid the ridiculous cost of overnight shipping. And you know what? I actually did it! I finished something on time, and managed to make it turn out pretty much the way I planned!
This is big. I'm a procrastinator and a non-finisher. More than that I am not a 'crafty' girl and my sewing knowledge is minute. My mother is quite proficient, but I never paid enough attention to learn much. At any rate I am pleased with the result and will not be embarassed to have them open it. So that's my week so far. I spent most of my non-kid time working on it steadily so I haven't done much else.
I'll have to keep in mind how many hours it takes from start to finish for next time though. The cutting and measuring actually took much more time than putting it together I think. Sewing machines are wondrous inventions by the way.
That's all for today.

I changed my mind

Instead of combining the gratitude list with this post I'm not. That was concise huh?
So anyway, I have been thinking lately about what my life would look like if I actually lived as though I am grateful for my life. For my redemption, my family, my home, even my dog. How would things be different if I could constantly act and think and feel as though my life is a wondrous gift and I shouldn't be wasting it complaining? Especially since nearly everything I whine about is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. How would my worship and my communication with God be different if I acted as though I was a truly beloved child of a perfect Father instead of a petulant, needy child of a Father I too often perceive as uncaring or unkind or incapable?
I have no idea exactly what that life looks like. I do know my life now looks to most people(I know this because several people have told me so recently) as though I've been incredibly blessed and even the difficult things I deal with could be much much worse. I do have some hopeful thoughts on how it might possibly look. I'm going to write them down here, and then maybe come back and look at them in the future to see if I've had any success with this little experiment in hope.

I hope a life lived in gratitude will make me more loving, more patient, more generous with my time and energy and possesions. I hope it will make me a more supportive wife, and a less selfish one. And less dependent on Bob's grace--which he has a LOT of believe me. I hope it will make me a better Mom, who doesn't make my children feel they are a nuisance or a bother or an annoying interruption to my "oh-so important" daily tasks. I hope it will help me learn to control my wretched awful temper so I don't yell at my beautiful children just because I lack the self-control to remain calm. I hope it will give me more energy to simply live my life. I am very sick of being tired and I think changing my outlook will be life-giving to me.

I hope learning to live in a place of gratitude and appreciation for my blessings and the gift of my life and family will make me, quite simply, better. Better at being me, and better at loving those around me in the ways they need most. I hope.
Hope is a powerful thing. Now I just need to remember to harness that power and use it for good purpose.

Gratitude and Attitude

I am trying to be diligent about my gratitude posts. But I have other things I want to write today too, so this will be a combination post.

Sunshine on my windowsill.

Green green grass in my yard

A softly snoring dog. I love dogs.

A nephew who has entered the world with a splash, and is healthy despite that splash being 6 weeks before his due date.

The smell of spring.

Baby's tiny fingers that insist on feeding herself independently.

"Mamamamama Nanananana" (Baby's way of saying Mom, I'm tired and want to go to bed now)

Little friends trying to hug Baby, and her antics to avoid being interrupted from playtime.

Mohawks on little blond headed boys.

Being able to reassure a friend in need.

This makes 45 things I think. I'll have to re-count to be sure.

Its actually 44.

1000 things to be grateful for:

There have been so very very many things to be grateful for I'm not sure how to narrow it down.

Glorious, sunny spring weather. For multiple days in a row.

A backyard for the boys to play in.

The smell of dewy grass in the early morning.

An opportunity to have a much needed cry.

Snuggles from my kids. (I think I use this one a lot, but they're just soooo lovely)

Celebrating the resurrection with my faith community. We're a people who love a good party and this was definitely a good one.

My husband. I cannot say how thankful I am for his presence in my life often enough.

Doctors who can help a friend and her unborn baby stay healthy through some precarious events.

The anticipation of meeting that baby soon!

A week in review

The last 7 days have been quite bizarre, mostly because of the weather here(I live in Colorado); I feel the need to write it down to remember down the road.

Monday 22nd: 65 degrees, clear and sunny. I went to the park with the kids in shorts and flipflops. My brother and a nephew were visiting from the Midwest and were excited by the spring like temperature.

Tuesday 23rd: The morning was cooler, only 45 or so but still clear. Forecast called for a snow/rain mix later in the day, with little accumulation. We went to the mountains so my nephew could snowboard. Around 3pm we heard the rain/snow mix was instead going to be a full force blizzard with up to 16 inches expected that evening. The first 8 inches apparently fell between 5-6 pm and wreaked havoc on our return trip. Yikes! Our 70 mile drive home took nearly 5.5 hours, complete with 3 small children cooped up in a car and no bathroom. Good times, truly. I have rarely been so glad to see my front door.

Wednesday 24th: still snowing lightly when we woke up around 7am, but clear and 45 degrees by about 11. We had about 14 inches total at our house. Bob had a snow day so he and the kids and my brother and nephew turned our front yard into a snowman army. Then the boys practiced their "kung fu" by knocking all the snowmen down.

Thursday 25th: Warm again and sunny. Most of the snow in the yard melted by the afternoon. I took my nephew and superkid to the local skatepark in the late afternoon. We wore sweatshirts and put sunscreen on our faces.

Friday 26th: Sunny in the am, cloudy and raining by late afternoon. forecast again calls for a rain/snow mix, but the snow portion never materializes. Took my brother and nephew to the airport around lunchtime.

Saturday 27th: My memory of Saturday is a little vague, but I remember the kids and I being so exhausted that they actually watched movies most of the morning, while Bob was in charge and I took a nap. All the adventures during the family visit wore them out.

Sunday 28th: Back to the park, once again in shorts, this time with sneakers, as it was a bit chilly for my toes to handle flipflops.

Today the forecast is for 64 and sunny, with more delightful weather all week long. I think I'd enjoy that consistency, so here's hoping.

I am "that Mom"

Today Bob and I took Superkid to tour the school where he will go to kindergarten next year. This was a big deal for me, both because our firstborn will be in kindergarten and because the school we went to is very close to my idea of a "dream school" for him. I admit that the last few months I have been a tad neurotic over the whole school thing. Not completely insane, but a bit over the top nonetheless.

To make a long story less long, we had some concerns about the neighborhood public school he currently attends for preschool. I mean no negative reflection on them, because it is a decent school and I know the staff work very hard. It is basically a solidly mediocre school and does a solidly average job. Superkid, however, is not an average child. I say this without conceit because people I like and respect and count on to tell me the truth tell me it is so. My little man is very bright, and very active and very inquisitive. He wants to know everything about everything, and then he wants to tell you why and how he learned it. My college degree is in early childhood education, so I can usually find ways to keep him engaged and intellectually stimulated. When I can't, his behavior spirals down down down like water in a toilet and then things are sad and ugly in our house until he's suitably challenged again.

So anyway, neither Bob nor I felt comfortable with the regular school in our neighborhood but we weren't sure what else we could do for him. Private schools are not in our budget, besides being out of sync with our desire to support public education as best we can. And while our district does offer choice enrollment and some special programs, none of the schools available were close to our home. Community involvement is important to us, and convenience is not to be ignored when there are 2 younger children for me to juggle as well. So we applied to a few places nearby--most specifically to a public charter school in our neighborhood--and waited to see what happened. The charter school has many more applicants each year than it has students, and I was told we would only be called by the charter school if his name came up in the lottery they hold. I must have heard the date wrong, because I thought the time had long since passed for the call to come. So when they called me last week to say they had a spot for him I was shocked, and then very excited. This school is academically sound, so he will get the basic skills and knowledge he needs for reading and writing and such, but it uses a less conventional curriculum model to teach them those things, and I love their approach. There will be much more time outside, and doing lessons in and about nature and more "real world" examples to learn from. And they go camping. Even in kindergarten. I love these things because Superkid loves to be outside and loves to learn how the world as a whole works together and loves to be "hands-on" in his learning. And I love it because several friends of mine, who are teachers or who work with schools in some aspect, have all told me "Superkid would do so well there, and so would Wonderboy."

So now I don't have to be "that Mom" about his school placement anymore because he'll be in our neighborhood, but still get his educational needs met and I won't have to sell my soul to pay for it. Yay!!(hands clap for joy and cheesy smile appears on face) Maybe next time I should just do my research, fill out my paperwork and then patiently wait to see how God will meet my needs huh? Someday I'll learn.

Enough Eeyore, Enough!

Looking at my posts so far, I think too many have a mournful flavor and I am sick of it! Sick sick sick. Enough maudlin sadness. Today I am grateful! I will be grateful if it kills me. Here are some more things for my gratitude community list.

The peculiar crunch of frosted grass, no longer covered in snow.

Tiny fingers grasping cheerios

Superkid and his boundless energy and curiosity

Wonderboy's gentleness

Boys who adore their baby sister

Baby's hair tickling my face

Squishy mud to make footprints in

Peroxide and antiseptic ointment to prevent infections

Friends who don't mind visiting a messy house

Springtime smells and sounds.

Have a nice day.

Dang it.

I just found out I will most likely not be seeing my grandmother this summer. Dang it. I don't mean to sound flippant about this, because the truth is I am heartbroken. My grandmother lives overseas and I see her rarely, and the last time she visited the states I was unable to go see her; there were good reasons for my not making that trip--baby was only about 3 weeks old--but I could have made something work. At the time I decided not to, because I thought she would be coming back this summer. And now she isn't--there is some room for hope but not much. And now I am so very sad. My Nana is elderly, and she has had some hard things in her life the last few years and traveling halfway across the globe is difficult for her. So I understand her choice, but still I am sad. I am sad because I haven't spent more than perhaps a few hours with her in the last 15 years or so and even then it has been amidst large groups of my relatives(very large groups, we're quite a tribe). I am sad because my children have never met her and she's the only living great-grandparent on my side of the family and I want them to know their heritage. I am especially sad because she is a link to my Dad, who is no longer living and I miss him terribly sometimes. She is a remarkable woman and I want so much to be able to spend some time with her before she leaves this world. I am going to be kicking myself for not turning my life even more upside down than it already was when she came last year. Kicking hard. That is all I can find to say.

Unsettled

Today I am unsettled, and I find I don't care for the feeling. It makes me anxious and edgy and uncertain, which are all emotions I try to avoid. I like feeling confident and relaxed and as though I can guess what might happen next, both in my life as a whole and in my day to day tasks. For some reason I can neither understand nor properly explain, today feels precipitous. As though at some point in the future I will look back and wish I could have today back again, just to avoid whatever happens tomorrow. It makes me wish I had psychic powers or some way of speaking face to face with God, and getting simple, direct answers. Sadly I do not have either one.

So I am praying for peace, and enough faith to follow the path I have chosen through whatever maze or valley is waiting for me. I hope this will ease the tension building inside my head and silence the whispering of fear in my heart. If not, I'm sure I will be posting more later, because writing is a stress reliever for me too.

A new possibility

I am a Christ follower. My husband is a Christ follower. We hope to raise our children to become Christ followers with us. Generally speaking, neither of us has clue how reach that goal. So I was excited when I read this post: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/family-activity-for-lent-box-of.html by a woman in Canada, who was sent the idea by a woman in Wales. It is basically a confession box, where the family can write or draw things they are sorry for, and place them anonymously in the box during Lent. Then on Easter you burn them or shred them or dispose of them in some final way to symbolize God's forgiveness.
I like it because this concept is so important for their little hearts to grasp, and so difficult for me to feel I can explain. I like it because this box seems like something they can understand and participate in, even though they are small. And while Wonderboy is only 3 and may not quite get it, he can understand being sorry and wanting to make things right and that's a start. I want my kids to learn forgiveness and living as though they are forgiven so that they can (hopefully) grow into adults who forgive and do not hold onto hurts and slights and bitterness. I want them to be able to hold joy, and peace and love. I want these things because I believe it will make them better, more balanced, more content people. Sometimes those hopes seem too lofty to be attained, but today I can use this idea from Wales via Canada and the internet to keep that hope in reach. I am happy today.

Lent

Lent is starting tonight. This season of the year is one of my favorites; I realize that may sound strange. I love taking time over the course of weeks to ponder the weighty issues that surround my faith. Suffering; Sin; Death; Forgiveness; Redemption; Hope. I love to sit with these heavy ideas and let them simmer in my soul. It always changes me somehow and I look forward to learning what changes this year will bring. Then Easter comes, in all its heavenly glory and I join the faithful both near and far to celebrate the Risen Christ. Hallelujah.

My own voice

I have a writer's heart. I long to fill pages and pages with stories and thoughts and prayers and characters and feelings and whatnot. Yet somehow, I have reached my early thirties without a consistent habit of writing. Even journalling is intermittent for me. I have spent considerable time trying to discover the cause for this anomaly and had no success. Awhile back I thought reading the writings of others might inspire me to do likewise so I started reading some blogs. I started with friends and family(all women, by coincidence) and found it a lovely way to keep in touch. I shied away from the blogs of strangers because I thought reading about strangers and their children would be weird. Then one day a college friend posted something with a link to another blog by someone I had never met. I took the plunge and clicked the link. It was the start of a new chapter for me.

Through that one original blogger and her phenomenal life and writing I have since discovered a number of other blogs about other women and their phenomenal lives and writings. It has been a rejuvenating experience for me. My life in the world of stay at home mothering hasn't always been easy, nor has it usually been encouraging. I so often went to bed feeling I had failed. Failed at mothering. Failed at housekeeping. Failed at being a wife and friend and daughter and sister. Just failed. It was a very disheartening way to live. All of the typical daily struggles of a SAHM were compounded by our family travelling through a season of many sad events and emotional turmoils and stresses of nearly every kind imaginable. I was not, as they say, "in a good place". Our life has settled down some since then and we are thankful, but I cannot find adequate words to explain how much these strangers and their blogs soothed my battered little heart through those times. If there is such a thing as first aid for the soul, this was it. They unknowingly gave me hope amidst my moments of discouragement. I am grateful to them all.
My hope for this little blog is to find MY voice and with it, my own thoughts on the world and my life. I seem to have lost those things somewhere along this journey. Someday I hope I can share something that helps another battered soul through her day.

More Gratitude

I am already behind on my gratitude posts. sigh. Well, better late than never right? This week's list:
1. dark chocolate. in all its forms
2. grocery shopping without my children
3. a dog who will sleep on my feet when they're cold.
4. watching superkid learn to tell time
5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
6. Baby's chatter
7. Public Libraries
8. Bob's excitement over his newest project.
9. little boys who sing to each other in bed at night
10. sunshine on fresh snow.

We are sick this week and thus I have not written new posts. We are on the mend so I will hopefully write more soon.

Gratitude Community

I am joining a group called the gratitude community. As soon as I find the email address for the person who lets people join I will add a link to her site to help explain the project. The short version is gratitude is contagious and fulfilling. Remembering to be thankful for all things, especially small mundane things we so often forget in the the throes of life, is a balm to the soul. We were created to worship and thanksgiving is an important part of worship. This community makes a point of recording 1000 things to be grateful for in their lives. Most break it up into smaller bits because a list with 1000 items would be long and lose its savor. I'm hoping to list 5 things at least twice a week; this way I will have 1000 items in about 2 years. I am excited to see how this emphasis on appreciation changes my perspective.

1. Wonderboy's giggle
2. Wonderboy's love of snuggling
3. Superkid's hair
4. Baby's smile
5. Bob's humor

I admit this first list is sort of a 'gimme' I have small children with many delightful qualities that bring me great joy and a husband who is simply wonderful. I am reminding myself how truly blessed I am. I had to start somewhere.

What makes me mad.

It must be said that I have a quick temper. I am sad to admit that, but its true and I love truth. I work hard at controlling that temper; the life of a mother with small children often tries my patience and I handle it badly. This has created an excellent learning environment for my kids, since they get lots of practice forgiving their mother. I apologize to them a lot. Probably once a day minimum. I hope someday to not need to do that so much because it will mean I'm winning the battle against my temper.
However, even though I admit to trouble in this arena there are legitimately irritating things in this world that make me angry. I hate injustice, especially when it takes the form of exploitation of children or other innocents. I despise stupidity born of sheer laziness or selfishness. I loathe lies. Untruth in all its forms. I really hate it. And yet I lie sometimes. I am lazy and stupid and selfish sometimes. I am sure I am sometimes unjust, even though I don't mean to be so. Usually, knowing these things about myself helps me understand my reactions to the world at large and situations in my life. But today, nearly all day I was angry and I had no idea why.
And then my husband came home with take-out so I didn't have to make dinner when our cupboards are bare and our checking account is unsuited to shopping. We ate cheap chinese food for $1.50 a scoop over homemade rice and he helped me put the children to bed early so we could spend some time alone together before he left for the evening. Now I know something he(being sensitive and smart and thoughtful as is his nature) knew all along.
I am tired.
I am physically tired from waking up with a small baby and a chronically early rising toddler and being a mom. I am mentally tired because I am an introvert and my sons are not and I spend all day with them answering questions and letting them suck every ounce of energy from my soul and then answering more questions. I am emotionally tired because I am a woman and I am a feeler and things affect me and I try hard to hide it and that gets exhausting. So I am tired. This is a season of my life where fatigue is as constant as diaper changes and laundry. Sometimes I forget that somehow and then Bob reminds me. I don't think I deserve him, but I am very glad I married him.
This post rambles a bit, and I don't like that but I can't think of a way to fix it right now because I am too tired. Forgive me.

Just a quick update

My sons are not napping. They both need a nap fairly desperately. But Bob is about to bring home a new television to replace our broken one and they are apparently to excited to sleep. I don't like to complain, but UGHHHHH. Naps are just so instrumental to the rest of our life; their constant resistance makes me tired. That is all.

My first post

I am a SAHM to 3 children, ages 5, 3 and 7 months. My oldest, Superkid(SK) is a comet of boyish energy and many many--so very very many--words. Then comes our second son, Wonderboy. WB is more pensive and visibly emotional and easily cuddled but still with typhoon-like intensity. Baby is quite possibly the sweetest little person ever born. Honestly. She is a great balance to her brothers' intense natures. They are dear, and adorable and exhausting and infuriating and awesome all at once, and usually without apology. I have a completely amazing husband, who dreams big and lives in the tension between those dreams and the realities of raising a family. He's alarmingly talented at nearly everything which can be intimidating even to me sometimes. I call him Bob. It isn't his name, so sometimes he gets confused.
We love Jesus and believe God is good and deserves nothing less than our complete obedience and humble worship. That isn't usually an easy order to fill but we keep trying. We also love our families, friends and the family dog. I fully intend to keep things fairly anonymous, to give me the freedom to be more blunt and vulnerable than I might be otherwise. It isn't as though people who actually know us wouldn't realize this is us, but I want to protect my children and their privacy. So no cute kid pics here, sorry folks.

Our life often feels overwhelmingly out of control. 3 kids, a dog, one income, always one more thing that should be done, one more place for us to direct our time and energy. I spent a long time frustrated by the constancy of those needs. My kids needs, my husbands needs, my needs, the needs of a lost and hurting world all around me. I wanted things to be easily ordered and managed and neat. Alas, life is just messy; people are messy and complicated and unpredictable.

And so it is that I am attempting to embrace the many twists and turns God sends my way. I will endeavor to embrace them wholeheartedly and without fear; when I cannot be wholehearted I will at least be willing; if I cannot banish fear I will try to be courageous enough to act anyway. In this, as in all things, I will do my best to act and speak and live in love and truth. If I can do those things, I think I can find peace amidst the chaos of my life.
Here's hoping.