Someday, I hope my writing is as clear, heart-rending, relevant and insightful as this woman's.http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/why-tell-secrets.html She is wise and kind and I cannot fully express my gratitude to her for revealing some of her wounds. This particular post pierces my heart more than most, because the bonds of secrecy and the poisons they instill run deep in my soul, my past, my family. I have often been admonished or rejected or shamed by loved ones who are threatened by truth and by confronting secrets. But I really hate the "secret life". I always have, and it has always been a sticking point within my family. I don't really understand why so many people find truth so terrifying; to me the terror sets in when I contemplate preserving the lies. Yet their terror is real and because I love them I try--sometimes--to fight my nature and maintain their secrets to ease their fears. We have collective secrets because we are a family, and while our wounds run deep the love is deep too.
I struggle with the balance between the gracious but somewhat shallow love I know they want, and the honest love I see they need. It can feel like a tightrope act and is often exhausting. I pray I always find the energy and strength to push through the exhaustion to find more love. God never runs out of love, and surely these loved ones of mine deserve to see that. I know I do.
