Some days I am so glad to have my life. We are, in truth, so very blessed. Our children are healthy and bright and know we love them. We have a home and food and Bob has a job to keep those things going. Kid loves school and he's getting a great education. Bill is doing well. Unborn baby is strong and growing on schedule. Our friends are amazing and we have a wonderful community to support us during times of stress. The list could go on, but I'll stop and get back to my point.
Some days I feel so blessed and honored by our life. And then something inside me chirps "But is this it? Isn't there more to God's plan than health and comfort and simplicity of daily life?" And I stop and ask myself, is there? I don't know. I hope so, because despite our conventional life I am dreamer and I dream of so many things. Things that seem more eternal that a lot of my life right now. Things that aren't sweeping my kitchen floor or folding laundry. Things that don't involve 20 minute conversations about who cuts my friends' hair and why they like him/her. (Not kidding, 20 minutes on hair. I had nothing to say.) Things that help my kids see how many other people exist in this world who need to know we love them, or help getting healthy or even just food and a bed--or even better, things that actually provide those items to the folks who need them. Things that MATTER. Bob and I both dream a lot about the hows and whens and whys of working toward those things; I hope someday we can do more than pray about them.
I keep thinking we're almost to a place where we'll have unused energy and time to do more concrete work on things I see as "externally eternal". Things that aren't "just raising kids". I know raising our children and caring for their needs is incredibly important, even holy, and yet there are days I feel as though we don't do anything else. At all. Ever. So I keep hoping the kids will be in a stage that might give us more flexibility in our schedule, or our finances will even out a little and give us more ability to give to worthy causes, or I don't know exactly what would change but something. So far we have not reached that place. With little unborn baby on the way we probably won't anytime soon either and I find myself . . .ambivalent. I am so excited to meet our little girl and have one last "tiny baby" set of memories. I am also a little frustrated and unsure about how adding another needy little person to our family will change the dynamics. I wish I had more time to myself, and yet I wish I was less selfish and more gracious in how I give my time as a mother. I just can't quite understand what God is whispering to my heart. I do feel He's trying to get a message through though, which is at least a little reassuring. Being confused is better than feeling overlooked or forgotten. I'm going to keep listening and see if it helps. Its a pondering, listening kind of day.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Heaven on Earth
On Friday morning I sent Bob a text asking him to help me think up some strategies for my sleep issues. Mostly right now my main issue is that Boy wakes up by 5:45am most days, and if I am up in the night with any of the kids, his early start is just more than my pregnant body can handle. I don't actually do all that well with his wake up routine even when I am not pregnant, but that's another post. I feel like a zombie--a cranky, mean hearted zombie who may or may not yell at her children just for acting chipper and awake at 6:15. Its no fun.
Anyway, I sent Bob the text and his response totally blew me away. Out of the water to a mountain far from the seaside. Instead of any number of expected answers, he said I had been needing a break anyway and promptly booked me 2 nights in a nearby hotel to hide from our children and sleep without interruption. I have already basked in the 2 nights and 2 days of rest and come home again and I am still in shock. His only instructions were not to spend more than a set amount on my food and entertainment(which is only fair), and that if I "started freaking out about paying for this he would go 'ape sh#t'" He's a wonderful man, have I mentioned that?
One result of this truly glorious reprieve is I suddenly feel able to hope for a less chaotic future, and continue functioning almost normally amidst the current disorder for awhile more. Another is that I feel like I've actually slept for the past 2 nights, which hasn't happened in 6 months at least. Plus I got the added bonus of a few hours to hang with my dearest friend, whom I have known since college and rarely get to talk with when there are neither children nor husbands around. Altogether this was a much needed and divine gift for which I am more grateful than mere words can ever express.
I have to repeat that Bob is quite possibly the most amazing man ever born and I am blessed to be his wife.
Anyway, I sent Bob the text and his response totally blew me away. Out of the water to a mountain far from the seaside. Instead of any number of expected answers, he said I had been needing a break anyway and promptly booked me 2 nights in a nearby hotel to hide from our children and sleep without interruption. I have already basked in the 2 nights and 2 days of rest and come home again and I am still in shock. His only instructions were not to spend more than a set amount on my food and entertainment(which is only fair), and that if I "started freaking out about paying for this he would go 'ape sh#t'" He's a wonderful man, have I mentioned that?
One result of this truly glorious reprieve is I suddenly feel able to hope for a less chaotic future, and continue functioning almost normally amidst the current disorder for awhile more. Another is that I feel like I've actually slept for the past 2 nights, which hasn't happened in 6 months at least. Plus I got the added bonus of a few hours to hang with my dearest friend, whom I have known since college and rarely get to talk with when there are neither children nor husbands around. Altogether this was a much needed and divine gift for which I am more grateful than mere words can ever express.
I have to repeat that Bob is quite possibly the most amazing man ever born and I am blessed to be his wife.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Addendum to yesterday
Re-reading my post about stuff I noticed I left out an important layer of my current state of mind. I ponder all these things, this dissatisfaction with the muchness of my life simply because I so often wonder whether Bob & I are missing the boat on God's desires. I believe God loves to see us doing what we love, and using the gifts and traits He gave us to serve Him and the world. Parenting young children requires us to sacrifice time and resources we might spend on any number of other worthy pursuits. That can be hard, but I believe this age when my kids are little is precious and important and so I am usually ok emotionally with putting off things I love for a few years to care for these little ones I love even more. Usually. But sometimes I wonder whether if I could just get a little better handle on some of my daily tasks, there wouldn't be time for me to pursue a few things I love even now.
If I could pare down some of our junk, would that make cleaning easier and quicker so I could improve my sewing? (a hobby I wish I could be better at, and do more often) Or if our grocery menu was more intentionally planned, would there be extra money in the budget for some much needed car maintenance, thus easing tension for Bob & I and giving us freedom to focus on loving our kids?
Overall I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by the natural state of chaos we seem to live in, and am trying to sort out if there any ways to create just a tiny bit more order.
Now I am in full pregnancy rambling mode so I should stop. :)
If I could pare down some of our junk, would that make cleaning easier and quicker so I could improve my sewing? (a hobby I wish I could be better at, and do more often) Or if our grocery menu was more intentionally planned, would there be extra money in the budget for some much needed car maintenance, thus easing tension for Bob & I and giving us freedom to focus on loving our kids?
Overall I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by the natural state of chaos we seem to live in, and am trying to sort out if there any ways to create just a tiny bit more order.
Now I am in full pregnancy rambling mode so I should stop. :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
February is not my favorite month.
We live in Colorado. It is winter. While it is true that we do not live in the mountains and thus our winters are much more temperate and manageable than my childhood home in the upper mid-west, I still struggle with cabin fever. The last 2 weeks have been cold and snowy. With most days below freezing and a lot even below zero. I can handle cold when necessary, and this winter has been so hard in other areas of the country that I try not to complain. I was doing really well until about yesterday afternoon. The funny thing is what has me most irritated isn't the weather and the way it coops us up in the house sometimes. No, I am annoyed by my stuff. The sheer oppressive volume of our possessions is so overwhelming to me right now I could vomit. We are not a couple who buys a lot of stuff either. We splurge sometimes and our kids have several hundred toys because they have a lot of extended family to spoil them, but honestly we don't buy much besides food and diapers on any kind of regular basis. And yet everywhere I look I see things. Toys. Clothes. Computer equipment. Tools. Dishes. More Clothes and toys. Cars. Bikes. The list could go on an embarassingly long time. I know we are blessed beyond measure to live in a basically snug, safe home with enough of the essentials to go around. I know this. I tell myself this multiple times a day because I feel guilty for despising so much of what so many people would give anything to have.
But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.
Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.
Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.
But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.
Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.
Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Birthdays
Kid and Boy are exactly 2 years and 3 days apart. The end of January is thus a time of moderate frenzy as we try to make 2 separate days special despite the close dates. Friday was Kid's 6th birthday. He is 6!! I, like all parents, am still in shock my firstborn is so big. He has his first loose tooth now too, which only makes him seem even bigger. Boy turned 4 on Monday and was very excited to "finally" have his birthday too. Watching Kid have his day first is agony for Boy because he knows his is so soon but just not quite yet. I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things about each of my little men, similar to the birthday letters I've seen on other blogs.
Kid:
You, my firstborn son are a delight to me. Every time you learn something new and unexpected I am amazed. You figure things out so quickly it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. Your brain is so filled with ideas and plans that sometimes you talk nonstop for hours(literally) if we can find the patience to listen. I promise to keep searching for more patience about that, because the hurt in your eyes when we ask you stop talking is so hard for me to bear. We love you so much, and your exuberance and love for new challenges fills our house with energy and joy and noise and pure awesome-ness. You love to choose things that are just a little above your current skill set, and then you are so proud when you master them. It helps me stay motivated to try new things, even when they intimidate me. I think your whole being must vibrate with energy of every kind 24/7, because you so rarely slow down. You even talk in your sleep. I hope we can help you maintain your enthusiasm for learning and for life as you age, because it really is a rare gift. Thanks for being our very own superhero, and the leader of our little gang of offspring.
Boy:
Your gentleness is my favorite trait. You are so sensitive and sweet and affectionate, even though you are a "big boy" now. It is nice that you still love snuggles and to be carried and held as though you really are still a baby. The smile you give when Daddy or I tell you "No matter how old you get, you'll always be our 'baby'" is so precious. You are a quieter, deeper thinker than Kid and it is a lot of fun to see what plans and ideas you hatch in your adorable little head. You love to go along with your big brother's games, but I know you have your own ideas too, and when you share them it is usually hilarious. Or disturbing. Or hilariously disturbing. You are a very early riser which I admit is a struggle for Daddy and I, but I think some of your best thoughts and conversations are when we make room in our foggy brains for your morning energy and just listen. You have a persistent streak like no one I have ever met. I promise to always do my best to channel that persistence in a healthy direction instead of squashing or demeaning it. It will be such an asset to you when you're a man, I just want to nurture it. You like your alone time and to play sometimes by yourself. You love being able to help take care of Baby, even now that she is big enough to be a nuisance sometimes. You don't always like change and you have no trouble letting us know it; Mommy is like that too, so I try to be understanding. You are our very own Wonderboy and I am so glad God made you the way He did.
Our boys have been such crazy little blessings. Bob and I are in awe of them and their zest for life. May God always give us the strength to parent them well, and teach them to love freely and well.
Kid:
You, my firstborn son are a delight to me. Every time you learn something new and unexpected I am amazed. You figure things out so quickly it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. Your brain is so filled with ideas and plans that sometimes you talk nonstop for hours(literally) if we can find the patience to listen. I promise to keep searching for more patience about that, because the hurt in your eyes when we ask you stop talking is so hard for me to bear. We love you so much, and your exuberance and love for new challenges fills our house with energy and joy and noise and pure awesome-ness. You love to choose things that are just a little above your current skill set, and then you are so proud when you master them. It helps me stay motivated to try new things, even when they intimidate me. I think your whole being must vibrate with energy of every kind 24/7, because you so rarely slow down. You even talk in your sleep. I hope we can help you maintain your enthusiasm for learning and for life as you age, because it really is a rare gift. Thanks for being our very own superhero, and the leader of our little gang of offspring.
Boy:
Your gentleness is my favorite trait. You are so sensitive and sweet and affectionate, even though you are a "big boy" now. It is nice that you still love snuggles and to be carried and held as though you really are still a baby. The smile you give when Daddy or I tell you "No matter how old you get, you'll always be our 'baby'" is so precious. You are a quieter, deeper thinker than Kid and it is a lot of fun to see what plans and ideas you hatch in your adorable little head. You love to go along with your big brother's games, but I know you have your own ideas too, and when you share them it is usually hilarious. Or disturbing. Or hilariously disturbing. You are a very early riser which I admit is a struggle for Daddy and I, but I think some of your best thoughts and conversations are when we make room in our foggy brains for your morning energy and just listen. You have a persistent streak like no one I have ever met. I promise to always do my best to channel that persistence in a healthy direction instead of squashing or demeaning it. It will be such an asset to you when you're a man, I just want to nurture it. You like your alone time and to play sometimes by yourself. You love being able to help take care of Baby, even now that she is big enough to be a nuisance sometimes. You don't always like change and you have no trouble letting us know it; Mommy is like that too, so I try to be understanding. You are our very own Wonderboy and I am so glad God made you the way He did.
Our boys have been such crazy little blessings. Bob and I are in awe of them and their zest for life. May God always give us the strength to parent them well, and teach them to love freely and well.
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