Unsettled

Today I am unsettled, and I find I don't care for the feeling. It makes me anxious and edgy and uncertain, which are all emotions I try to avoid. I like feeling confident and relaxed and as though I can guess what might happen next, both in my life as a whole and in my day to day tasks. For some reason I can neither understand nor properly explain, today feels precipitous. As though at some point in the future I will look back and wish I could have today back again, just to avoid whatever happens tomorrow. It makes me wish I had psychic powers or some way of speaking face to face with God, and getting simple, direct answers. Sadly I do not have either one.

So I am praying for peace, and enough faith to follow the path I have chosen through whatever maze or valley is waiting for me. I hope this will ease the tension building inside my head and silence the whispering of fear in my heart. If not, I'm sure I will be posting more later, because writing is a stress reliever for me too.

A new possibility

I am a Christ follower. My husband is a Christ follower. We hope to raise our children to become Christ followers with us. Generally speaking, neither of us has clue how reach that goal. So I was excited when I read this post: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/family-activity-for-lent-box-of.html by a woman in Canada, who was sent the idea by a woman in Wales. It is basically a confession box, where the family can write or draw things they are sorry for, and place them anonymously in the box during Lent. Then on Easter you burn them or shred them or dispose of them in some final way to symbolize God's forgiveness.
I like it because this concept is so important for their little hearts to grasp, and so difficult for me to feel I can explain. I like it because this box seems like something they can understand and participate in, even though they are small. And while Wonderboy is only 3 and may not quite get it, he can understand being sorry and wanting to make things right and that's a start. I want my kids to learn forgiveness and living as though they are forgiven so that they can (hopefully) grow into adults who forgive and do not hold onto hurts and slights and bitterness. I want them to be able to hold joy, and peace and love. I want these things because I believe it will make them better, more balanced, more content people. Sometimes those hopes seem too lofty to be attained, but today I can use this idea from Wales via Canada and the internet to keep that hope in reach. I am happy today.

Lent

Lent is starting tonight. This season of the year is one of my favorites; I realize that may sound strange. I love taking time over the course of weeks to ponder the weighty issues that surround my faith. Suffering; Sin; Death; Forgiveness; Redemption; Hope. I love to sit with these heavy ideas and let them simmer in my soul. It always changes me somehow and I look forward to learning what changes this year will bring. Then Easter comes, in all its heavenly glory and I join the faithful both near and far to celebrate the Risen Christ. Hallelujah.

My own voice

I have a writer's heart. I long to fill pages and pages with stories and thoughts and prayers and characters and feelings and whatnot. Yet somehow, I have reached my early thirties without a consistent habit of writing. Even journalling is intermittent for me. I have spent considerable time trying to discover the cause for this anomaly and had no success. Awhile back I thought reading the writings of others might inspire me to do likewise so I started reading some blogs. I started with friends and family(all women, by coincidence) and found it a lovely way to keep in touch. I shied away from the blogs of strangers because I thought reading about strangers and their children would be weird. Then one day a college friend posted something with a link to another blog by someone I had never met. I took the plunge and clicked the link. It was the start of a new chapter for me.

Through that one original blogger and her phenomenal life and writing I have since discovered a number of other blogs about other women and their phenomenal lives and writings. It has been a rejuvenating experience for me. My life in the world of stay at home mothering hasn't always been easy, nor has it usually been encouraging. I so often went to bed feeling I had failed. Failed at mothering. Failed at housekeeping. Failed at being a wife and friend and daughter and sister. Just failed. It was a very disheartening way to live. All of the typical daily struggles of a SAHM were compounded by our family travelling through a season of many sad events and emotional turmoils and stresses of nearly every kind imaginable. I was not, as they say, "in a good place". Our life has settled down some since then and we are thankful, but I cannot find adequate words to explain how much these strangers and their blogs soothed my battered little heart through those times. If there is such a thing as first aid for the soul, this was it. They unknowingly gave me hope amidst my moments of discouragement. I am grateful to them all.
My hope for this little blog is to find MY voice and with it, my own thoughts on the world and my life. I seem to have lost those things somewhere along this journey. Someday I hope I can share something that helps another battered soul through her day.

More Gratitude

I am already behind on my gratitude posts. sigh. Well, better late than never right? This week's list:
1. dark chocolate. in all its forms
2. grocery shopping without my children
3. a dog who will sleep on my feet when they're cold.
4. watching superkid learn to tell time
5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
6. Baby's chatter
7. Public Libraries
8. Bob's excitement over his newest project.
9. little boys who sing to each other in bed at night
10. sunshine on fresh snow.

We are sick this week and thus I have not written new posts. We are on the mend so I will hopefully write more soon.

Gratitude Community

I am joining a group called the gratitude community. As soon as I find the email address for the person who lets people join I will add a link to her site to help explain the project. The short version is gratitude is contagious and fulfilling. Remembering to be thankful for all things, especially small mundane things we so often forget in the the throes of life, is a balm to the soul. We were created to worship and thanksgiving is an important part of worship. This community makes a point of recording 1000 things to be grateful for in their lives. Most break it up into smaller bits because a list with 1000 items would be long and lose its savor. I'm hoping to list 5 things at least twice a week; this way I will have 1000 items in about 2 years. I am excited to see how this emphasis on appreciation changes my perspective.

1. Wonderboy's giggle
2. Wonderboy's love of snuggling
3. Superkid's hair
4. Baby's smile
5. Bob's humor

I admit this first list is sort of a 'gimme' I have small children with many delightful qualities that bring me great joy and a husband who is simply wonderful. I am reminding myself how truly blessed I am. I had to start somewhere.

What makes me mad.

It must be said that I have a quick temper. I am sad to admit that, but its true and I love truth. I work hard at controlling that temper; the life of a mother with small children often tries my patience and I handle it badly. This has created an excellent learning environment for my kids, since they get lots of practice forgiving their mother. I apologize to them a lot. Probably once a day minimum. I hope someday to not need to do that so much because it will mean I'm winning the battle against my temper.
However, even though I admit to trouble in this arena there are legitimately irritating things in this world that make me angry. I hate injustice, especially when it takes the form of exploitation of children or other innocents. I despise stupidity born of sheer laziness or selfishness. I loathe lies. Untruth in all its forms. I really hate it. And yet I lie sometimes. I am lazy and stupid and selfish sometimes. I am sure I am sometimes unjust, even though I don't mean to be so. Usually, knowing these things about myself helps me understand my reactions to the world at large and situations in my life. But today, nearly all day I was angry and I had no idea why.
And then my husband came home with take-out so I didn't have to make dinner when our cupboards are bare and our checking account is unsuited to shopping. We ate cheap chinese food for $1.50 a scoop over homemade rice and he helped me put the children to bed early so we could spend some time alone together before he left for the evening. Now I know something he(being sensitive and smart and thoughtful as is his nature) knew all along.
I am tired.
I am physically tired from waking up with a small baby and a chronically early rising toddler and being a mom. I am mentally tired because I am an introvert and my sons are not and I spend all day with them answering questions and letting them suck every ounce of energy from my soul and then answering more questions. I am emotionally tired because I am a woman and I am a feeler and things affect me and I try hard to hide it and that gets exhausting. So I am tired. This is a season of my life where fatigue is as constant as diaper changes and laundry. Sometimes I forget that somehow and then Bob reminds me. I don't think I deserve him, but I am very glad I married him.
This post rambles a bit, and I don't like that but I can't think of a way to fix it right now because I am too tired. Forgive me.