The new chapter

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.

educational whirlwind

Today Boy started preschool. He was so excited to finally be included in the wonderous world of "school" like Kid. He already has a plan for which toys and games he'll play with first when he goes back on Friday. It is beyond adorable to watch him drink in this new experience. And I am thankful for his enthusiasm; typically Boy isn't too keen on new places, especially if they don't inlclude Mom and Dad. He still gets upset sometimes being left in Sunday School and he's been with the same teachers and other children for nearly 2 years. Now its true his preschool is located in the same building as Bob's job so Daddy will be literally right down the hall. Still, he took some big steps toward "big boyhood" this morning. I am so proud of his little round headed self I can't stand it.

Kid is already a seasoned kindergartener and loves it. LOVES. IT. Yesterday the class went on a 3 hour hike and I didn't hear one complaint about tired feet or bugs or having to carry his own water bottle. I may nominate his teacher for sainthood on these facts alone. My little adventure lover is in his element and I am so thankful he can go to this school.

Baby is still a baby and I get to keep her home and snuggle her a little longer. That is exciting too, because if the past week has taught me anything it's that my Grandmother was right. They do grow up so fast.