Am I crazy?

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my mind. Do you do that? I'd like to believe other people, especially Moms, feel that way fairly often. It would make me feel less weird and more included. :)
It should be said that there isn't really anything crazy going on in our house right now. I mean, nothing beyond 7 people and a 90 pound dog in 1400 square feet with 1 bathroom. And preparing for Christmas. And helping Bill figure out what he wants to do when he graduates in May. And trying to teach the kids to love God and behave with a modicum of respect and kindness to each other and to us. When I put it like that I guess I can see why sometimes other people look at me strangely. Honestly though, so much of the time I just think "what's the big deal folks? this is my life, I don't spend time pondering how I will ever manage to care for all 4 kids because I'm too busy actually taking care of them. And Bill. And the dog. And Bob. And even myself sometimes. Do I get tired and frustrated? Regularly. Do I lose my temper over silly things more often than I'd like? Yes. That's because I, like most people, am not perfect. That used to really really bother me. I'm mostly over that now; don't misunderstand me I still spend more time than is probably useful berating myself over my shortcomings. Just not about not being perfect.
Anyway what I was trying to say was that while I sort of get why my life may look more complicated or crazier than some, I don't really understand why people act as though I am somehow heroically competent or strong or whatever just because I have several kids. I'm just a regular Mom, trying to keep everyone fed and marginally clean and reasonably adjusted. I don't shoot for well-adjusted, just basic adjusted.
I would, however, really like to spend more time on some hobbies. I feel like a few good creative projects would be therapeutic for me. But that's probably another post entirely. Have a good day.

It has been too long.

I have been very tired lately, and unable to find the drive to write even so much as a recipe. We have had all manner of events causing higher than usual amounts of upheaval and stress and I am learning that maintaining my equilibrium during these seasons is exhausting for me. To wake up each day and manage to engage with my kids, and keep them fed and clothed is often all I can do. No extra cleaning or phone calls to friends(even when I desperately need a chat!). No extraneous errands or duties of any kind. I simply cannot do it. I don't know why, since nothing that has happened has really been so horrendous. Crazy and unexpected yes, but not really so bad in the grand scheme.

Bob was laid off a few weeks ago, which was unsettling; but he will get some severance pay and has already found a new job which is better on several fronts. And our bank account was hacked into, but they didn't get much money and we've already been refunded and they chose one of the only days in months when stealing from us wouldn't push our balance into the negative numbers. And these 2 things together, along with some other timing issues does mean I won't be able to take a trip I was really hoping to take. I am sad to miss it, but I do believe the past few weeks were a clear sign that now is not the time for me to go on this particular adventure. Plus the baby wouldn't have done well with me gone for so long and that would mean Bob and the other kids wouldn't either.

I am learning a lot about myself right now though, and that is sort of tiring too. Things like this amount of change really really drains me emotionally and I need to be extra careful to intentionally continue pouring into my kids. If I don't consciously choose to interact with them I find myself turning on the tv for hours and ignoring their bickering and cries while I aimlessly surf the internet or even just watch with them. It is no way to live and I have to fight that urge constantly. Because honestly, the energy I seem to require to process changes like these seems ridiculous to me. So I am still trying to sift through the cobwebs and cyclones of my mind to understand where the shifts have happened and what they mean for me as I move forward.

I just feel like I ought to be stronger somehow, more able to soldier on and accomplish things. I thinks it is bizarre and a bit irritating that rather than nervous energy that makes me obsessively clean cupboards or write or do something productive, I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself. Just sit. Or maybe nap a little. What does it say about me that I covet this specific brand of compulsion, even though I know so many folks who find it suffocating to live that way?

I have no idea. But I will keep processing and trying to discern what it all means and praying and maybe eventually I'll figure out a few useful tips to share. It could happen right?

I think this may be pretty disjointed and hard to understand; that is probably because my mind is feeling disjointed and difficult to understand right now.

A little rambling, just because

A few weeks ago I got to spend the afternoon with my oldest friend. By oldest I mean longest-standing friendship. I have literally known her since I was 2. We hadn't seen each other in 7 years and I was shocked when she came up my sidewalk. I barely recognized her, this dear friend I used to see nearly every day for nearly 17 years. She looked so . . .old. I feel horrible even saying that; it sounds like such vanity and ridiculousness. My dear friend is my age and does not really look older than our 33 years. It was just that in my mind I see the teenagers we were, not the women we are. It was a jolt for me to immediately recognize her husband(whom I didn't meet until he was already in his mid-twenties) and to look at her and think "That can't be her can it? Much too mature." Ack.

That day after we had lunch I came home and looked in the mirror. Truly looked, and tried to remember my face as she must have been remembering it that morning. This may sound crazy, but I still usually feel like that loud, clueless, hyper, un-controlled young woman from 15 years ago. Despite the 4 kids and a decade of marriage and all that living I've been doing it still shocks me to think that my children, and people I meet now only see me as I am now. It doesn't seem strange to them for me to be a mother, or a wife or a homeowner or whatnot. It doesn't seem strange because they too are mothers and fathers and spouses and employees. They drop their kids at school and work and live like adults too. It made me wonder whether other people are surprised by their own maturity sometimes too? The strange-ness of imagining all of this struck me as hilarious. So I laughed and stopped staring in the mirror and went back to my life.

Then I had a conversation with a dear friend about how certain lifestyles "feel" more aligned with how we are designed by God, and how that pulls at both of us when we get a taste. She had been with some friends at an apple orchard and got a glimpse of a more rural, earthy life than she lives. Since we're both from more rural settings originally, I knew exactly what she meant. I live in a fairly large city, and the lack of open space and silence and overabundance of cement often chafes my soul. I miss cornfields and hay bales and empty fields I could wander through without worrying about trespassing(because I knew ALL my neighbors) or crime or safety. When I think of my kids looking back at their childhood one day, it makes me sad to think they may not have memories of building dams in little creeks or endless space to build forts and have adventures. Their lives will be different. Not bad, just different and sometimes it makes me wish things in our life were different.

Such is the wandering state of my mind. How about you?

Today is Friday

I think I will start doing some themed posts just to keep me writing. So since I so often hear 'Thank God its Friday' or TGIF, I think I'll use this as an opportunity to focus on what else I can Thank God for. How can I end that sentence without a preposition? It must be possible, but I can't figure it out.

Anyway, I am thankful for a visit with some wonderful relatives today who always make me feel like supermom.
I am thankful that Bob is on a fishing trip with a friend with whom he has been trying to plan a fishing trip for years.
I am thankful its a weekend trip and not something longer, so that I can avoid losing my mind at home with the children.
I am thankful my baby sleeps so very very well. Such a wonderful blessing to have (finally) a good sleeper.
I am thankful 'Boy is working so hard at learning self control, even though he doesn't really want to learn it at all.
I am thankful God is teaching me so much about my own need for self control, so that I can share that struggle with my wonderful son.
I am thankful Baby Girl(not the babiest anymore, but I can't decide on a new pseudonym) only stuck corn in her nose and not something more dangerous.
I am even more thankful our incredible doctor was able to shove said corn out the back of her nose into her throat, since it was in too far to pull out.
I am thankful for how well 'Kid reads, even though he's only six. Books are such treasures, I am excited to share more of them with him as he grows.
I am thankful for a quiet house and control of the remote this evening.
I am really, really thankful for the gift my brother sent us yesterday, because a box of fish is just a totally amazing gift. Have I mentioned how much I love food? I am an eater, not a fighter.
I am thankful my kids think a dinner of mac-n-cheese with bread & jam is perfectly acceptable and don't give me guilt trips over not preparing something more balanced.

That's quite a few things to be thankful for, and now I must go treat the sore throat for which I cannot honestly say I am at all thankful.

A new favorite quote

Today I read this quote from Lowell Bennion over at The Frugal Girl and it is my new favorite reminder to guard my thoughts and shepherd my own soul to the extent I am able.

“Learn to like what doesn't cost much.
Learn to like reading, conversation, music.
Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking.
Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills.
Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different from you.
Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction of doing your job as well as it can be done.
Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs.
Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things.
Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day.
Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others.”

That last line is echoing in my head right now and I hope to keep it there awhile. Anyone know how one learns to keep their wants simple?

Please read and give what you can!

http://thecharisproject.org/

This is a truly amazing organization and I wholeheartedly support what they are trying to do for refugee children in Thailand. They need money now to continue caring for those kids and to reach their goal of the orphanage becoming self-sustaining and therefore not need money later. It really isn't that much cash in the grand scheme of things, and as Carrien(one of the Charis Project founders) keeps saying, if 700 people give $10 that's all they need. I know how tight things are for most people right now, but I also now that even those of us on the tightest of budgets could probably find $5 or $10 dollars to share with such a wonderful cause.

Please visit their site and give if you can. Please. They run the risk of forfeiting some land they bought last year if they can't raise enough money. Losing the land means they also lose multiple opportunities to begin supporting themselves through agriculture and various businesses.

Thanks.

2 posts for today!

Today I am going to post twice!! First of all a short, but emphatic note to any and all readers to share with your friends and family.

I have 4 children. They are all younger than 7. Yes I am aware where they came from and what caused their existence. Yes they all have the same Dad. And YES FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY I KNOW I HAVE MY HANDS FULL!!!!! They are a lot of work and I stay quite busy each day loving and clothing and feeding and teaching and otherwise caring for them. I do that for a reason, and it isn't so that strangers in the street can make inane comments about my life. It is because I believe my children are one of God's most precious gifts to me and to Bob, from our loving creator. It is because I actually like my kids and value them as people. It is because I have lived through the loss of 2 of my unborn children and that ache makes me aware of how blessed I am to have 4 healthy children to care for each day. Furthermore, I do not feel any need to justify their existence to you, a stranger in the park or the grocery store. Bob and I happen to have 4 kids, and I really couldn't care less if you think that is too many or too few or just plain crazy. They're ours and we happen to think they're pretty great.

So kindly keep your infernal and incessant opinions and pithy remarks to yourself and let me get back to raising my children.

Thank you, I am done ranting now. I feel much better.

hitchhiking on someone else's idea

Today I watched a video about marriage, posted by a fellow blogger. She's a wise woman who thinks complicated issues through with a clarity I admire. The part that stood out to me was(paraphrased): "If you see marriage as a way to get your needs met, you will be disappointed. You have to learn to view marriage as a life of service."

Wow. Not that I didn't know that, but honestly wow. Serving others in any fashion isn't exactly a hot trend here in America, so to hear this about one of the most fundamental relationships in society is jarring. But I needed to hear this today, in this season. To be reminded that the important, relevant thing is to serve and not seek to be served. To hear that other people know how difficult this can be, when life is crazy and things feel topsy-turvy is a wonderful thing to hear. To know that my own needs, while important, should not be the focus of my life is as freeing as it is subversive. Sometimes I think my biggest problem in finding satisfaction or fulfillment(2 horrendously over-used jargon words I dislike using) is that I seek it out in all the wrong places. Rather than complain no one notices how hard I work, I should be noticing how hard others work, especially Bob and the kids.(yes all that playing kids do is hard work! But that's another post entirely)
Rather than resent people who seem to have it easier, I should try to help those who have it harder and see their struggles as opportunities for me to be Jesus to a hurting world. This kind of behavior does not come naturally to me; I admit it. I like to get my way and have things work out according my own plans and timelines. I don't enjoy struggles or un-met wants. I don't like when people who love me call me on my own shortcomings--especially if they're right.
But that is probably the point my blogger friend is making. Marriage--or life in general as this post seems to have become about--isn't supposed to be about giving me what I like or even what I want. It's supposed to be God's way of providing for what I need and growing me into the person He created me to be and helping display his extravagant love for us to the world.
Huh. All that from a few sentences on an 8 minute video. who knew?

ps the video can be seen here: http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2011/07/husbands-are-not-accessories-plain-talk.html

Anyone?

Am I the only one who finds the "western" pursuit of more-ness exhausting? More money, more stuff, more leisure time, more excitement, more money and stuff. It all just makes me overwhelmed and sad and irritated and tired somehow. I suppose this is what makes me feel so constantly out of place in my own culture, which in itself can be exhausting. Honestly though, how many of us really need more of anything? Adding another person's belongings to our house, tiny though they are (little one being a baby and all) seems to have exacerbated my already tense relationship with our possessions and pushed me to the point of wanting to simply throw out or give away large portions of our household. Especially clothes and toys and shoes. Our shoes reproduce on their own when I'm not looking, I'm fairly certain. Even, on my more desperate days, books! Generally speaking I have a borderline obsessive connection to my books and therefore never want to be parted from them. Ever. Even when we've moved and the boxes they're in are insanely heavy. Books make my life feel complete. I hope to find a balance, and some motivation to actually get rid of a few things to ease the crowded state of our home.

Sigh. The "problems" of american life. Ridiculous no?

I need to post more, because it would mean I am writing more. Only whenever I think of something I want to say I am not able to sit down and write it, and then later I can no longer remember what I wanted to say.

I am in the midst of some tough emotional struggles right now, made worse by my still being smack dab in the middle of post-partum mood swings. I feel as though I spend nearly as much energy each day to drown out the lies that seem to appear in my head at every turn as I spend on my actual life. And lately--for some reason I cannot really identify--anytime more than 2 noises happen at once I begin to shut down. Sometimes I literally begin to freeze up physically and have to force myself not to cover my ears and hum to drown it all out. This does not make it easy to live in a house with 3 ridiculously verbal and articulate young children, a baby who cries occasionally, a husband who finds silence stifling and tends to fill it with loud music or games that include screaming children, and a teenager who isn't really all that loud but turns the volume up on every. single. thing. always. no matter what. I'm not sure what that's all about but it is frustrating and moderately inconvenient.
On the plus side I have noticed I am finally after nearly 30 years of work making progress on controlling my horrendously quick temper. I catch myself remembering to stop and breathe deeply and slowly in and out before I answer a child, so that my answer isn't ground out between clenched teeth or shouted out angrily as though said child has done something life threatening. Usually it is more along the lines of "Mom can I have more cereal?" or "Mom, if batman was a bad guy and fought Superman, who would win?" Thus not things that ought to elicit rage. Except, you know for the weird auditory overload thing.
Onward and upward, as my mother used to say.

A quote I must ponder:

"our brokenness is what our art is made of, that when we show our wounds, others will reveal theirs and in that authentic space, art is made where a wounded Savior is revealed" quoted from: adailyportion blog.

This is still not my birth story post.

Now the photos I promised: Baby & Little One, because they're beautiful




Lately I have been really struggling to overcome myself, to get out of my own way. It can be very frustrating for me to be constantly stuck with, well being me. As a wife and Mom and as our family's main housekeeper, I tend to be very lazy and selfish with my time. Why scrub the kitchen tile when I could watch a little tv during nap or waste time on facebook? So my house gets messier and messier and then suddenly I am living in a disaster area and the idea of cleaning it all up is so overwhelming that I just don't. I don't even try a lot of the time and I don't like it. For a long time I have made excuses based on our life circumstances; I've been pregnant or nursing or mourning a miscarriage for a minimum of 9 months of every year since 2004. Pregnancy is rough on my body and the emotional toll of various other things in our life plus being an introvert while being a Mom to very extroverted children are not small things I can just toss off.

Still.

Still I wake up so often and hear this little prompt in my head saying "maybe you're over-doing the whole I'm too tired thing". Generally I have squashed that voice like a bug and happily continued stepping over and around the heaping piles of toys and laundry and dishes that pile up. Overall I actually stay at least partially caught up on dishes and laundry purely by necessity(tough to eat and leave the house if you have no clean forks or pants) but months have often passed between toilet scrubbings and the floors get so crunchy and full of dirt we all just wear our shoes to keep from feeling the crud. Now that I have typed that sentence I am ashamed of myself, because that's just pretty gross. And unsanitary from a parenting perspective. And just icky. Wow.

So now that I'm completely embarassed, and all my readers(both of you!:) are mentally vowing to never set foot inside my house again let's move on shall we?

At any rate the whole point of all this is that since 'Little One'(aka my youngest child) was born I have been feeling pushed to do more, be better, set a more industrious example to my little tribe of future adults. I have no idea how to accomplish this but I am trying. And really trying, not just pretending I tried and it was too hard. Little One is such a delight and a blessing to us, she just fills my heart with light and joy and makes it tough for me to justify whining about a cleaning my kitchen or wiping down my bathroom. So many people would love to have a house full of babies, if it meant they could be parents. Or get back what they've lost. So many have to worry about whether their water is safe enough to drink or clean with, or whether there's any food to even cause dirty dishes. There are just so many things that could so easily be so much worse or more difficult. Maybe its time I stopped slacking off and starting living like I notice how blessed I am. If my pastor is right, and living from a place of joy is based first in my own choices then now is the time for me to choose. So I am working on choosing gratitude and contentment and resisting my instinctive tendency toward anger and indolence.

I have no clue if this will last or be a successful endeavor. I'd really like it to be though; I think I will find much more satisfaction if my days are spent actually doing something than when I just sit around grouching at my kids for interrupting my computer time. Plus my kids won't get lost or crushed under mounds of unfolded clothes.

I haven't forgotten I have a blog

Although it may seem that is true, I promise it isn't. However since my last post we have had: 1 brother visiting for roughly 12 days longer than I thought were planned--and he brought a 2nd houseguest; 1 precious baby girl born 4/20; 1 completely insane 4 day weekend in which we travelled to the east coast with all 4 children and Bill to watch (and participate in) Bob's little sister's wedding; 1 'Boy with a broken elbow. This last actually occurred during the insane weekend, although we didn't know it was broken until after we got back and brought him to the doctor. There were doctor's visits, x-rays, splinting and casting last week. Ahh the joys of parenthood. Boy is a trooper though, so he is doing well.

I will write out our birth story for this littlest one of ours soon. And maybe the other kids too, just so I don't forget. I may or may not include some photos, we'll see.

That's all for now.

This week

All 3 boys have spring break. Kid and Boy were offered the chance to go to a basketball camp at no charge through Bob's job. He signed them up; I was not thrilled at first. I thought it would mean I'd have to rush around each morning getting them ready, just like for school and it sounded exhausting.

Then only yesterday or the day before, I realized it really means that Baby and I will have all morning long to hang out and relax and rest! For 5 consecutive days!! Today was delicious, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be too. As the time for little quattro girl to be born gets closer, I find myself more and more loving quiet days where I may not accomplish many tangible tasks but at least I don't feel wrung out by mid-afternoon and dread the rest of the day. The slower pace can chafe my fidget-y soul but it is good and necessary for my mental and physical health and for Quattro's. It is a true gift and I am loving it.

The other amazing thing is that last night Bill offered to volunteer with the camp the boys are at and forego sleeping in all week. I was shocked he'd even consider hanging out for 3 hours a day with a bunch of little kids instead of doing what teenagers love to do--sleep for hours and hours on end because they can. He seemed like he had fun when I picked up the little boys so I am glad he's getting out of the house and enjoying himself. He's a sweet kid and I need to remember that more often.

May anyone reading this have a blessed and restful week, like mine is shaping up to be.

Since last time . . . .

We have been sick. Baby & Bill each took a turn at a nasty vomiting flu week before last, and this last week has seen poor Kid with a high fever and bad cough which lead to nasal congestion which lead to an ear infection which lead to his eardrum rupturing. Poor little guy is just so tired of feeling lousy. Boy has been sort of up and down with acting like he might come down with something one day, but being fine the next. Thursday and yesterday he had a high fever and was super lethargic but hasn't developed much else besides a runny nose. We are praying he stays healthy, because I came down with bronchitis & a sinus problem and Bob's long standing cough has returned with more fervor. I have been nearly useless since Wednesday evening which, as a Mom, is quite frankly infuriating. This morning I thought I felt a little better, so I tried to do a few things. Literally maybe 3 things around the house after I had showered and given the kids breakfast. (Today was Bob's turn to sleep in, in an effort to allow us both extra rest & healing) By the time he got up around 9, I had to nap in our recliner for nearly an hour because I was exhausted, short of breath and borderline feverish. Ugh.

In general I don't stay sick very long. If I can get one good day of rest with a long night's sleep most illnesses just don't stick. Except that I'm pregnant; I seem to forget how much that can effect my body's ability to cope somehow. When I went to the doctor(2nd visit from our fam in 2 days thank you very much) he took a look at me, squinted a little and said "Where are the reinforcements at your house?"
I laughed a bit sarcastically and told him Kid was still sick and Bill had school. He didn't seem to see the humor but I figure when I'm this ill and my kids are ill and needy and Bob had some things he simply couldn't leave undone at work, then all I can do is laugh and keep trying. Such is life when you have no family nearby and all your friends have kids of their own who they don't want to expose to your sicknesses. I got some delightful prescriptions and Bob not only came home early that day, he worked from home all day Friday just so I could lay around wallowing in my respiratory issues. In spite of all this, I am working hard at being thankful so I will list some things I am grateful for today.

I am thankful for prescriptions that are readily available and seem to be working. I am thankful for children who see hours of tv viewing as a special treat they'll sit still to watch. I am incredibly thankful that unborn baby is still healthy and kicking up a storm despite my current wimpy weakness. I am thankful for the prayers of friends who love us and stand beside us during rough weeks. I am thankful for beautiful spring like weather and an adorable flower girl dress for Baby at a sale price. And I am especially thankful to hear that a dear family member is safe and sound with his lovely wife in Japan. I pray for those in need there, and for those who are not safe and sound and able to call their family to reassure them.

Things I learn from my 6 year old.

Yesterday I had to apologize to Kid at bedtime. I had been impatient and harsh with him all during dinner and the time leading up to it. I told him I was sorry I let my frustrations get the best of me and that I would try to do better tomorrow. His response melted my tired, grumpy heart and left me humble before his graciousness. "It's okay Mommy, that's in the past. I love you." Followed up with a giant hug and an extra I love you.

"And a little child shall lead them." Indeed.

Sometimes I wonder

Some days I am so glad to have my life. We are, in truth, so very blessed. Our children are healthy and bright and know we love them. We have a home and food and Bob has a job to keep those things going. Kid loves school and he's getting a great education. Bill is doing well. Unborn baby is strong and growing on schedule. Our friends are amazing and we have a wonderful community to support us during times of stress. The list could go on, but I'll stop and get back to my point.

Some days I feel so blessed and honored by our life. And then something inside me chirps "But is this it? Isn't there more to God's plan than health and comfort and simplicity of daily life?" And I stop and ask myself, is there? I don't know. I hope so, because despite our conventional life I am dreamer and I dream of so many things. Things that seem more eternal that a lot of my life right now. Things that aren't sweeping my kitchen floor or folding laundry. Things that don't involve 20 minute conversations about who cuts my friends' hair and why they like him/her. (Not kidding, 20 minutes on hair. I had nothing to say.) Things that help my kids see how many other people exist in this world who need to know we love them, or help getting healthy or even just food and a bed--or even better, things that actually provide those items to the folks who need them. Things that MATTER. Bob and I both dream a lot about the hows and whens and whys of working toward those things; I hope someday we can do more than pray about them.

I keep thinking we're almost to a place where we'll have unused energy and time to do more concrete work on things I see as "externally eternal". Things that aren't "just raising kids". I know raising our children and caring for their needs is incredibly important, even holy, and yet there are days I feel as though we don't do anything else. At all. Ever. So I keep hoping the kids will be in a stage that might give us more flexibility in our schedule, or our finances will even out a little and give us more ability to give to worthy causes, or I don't know exactly what would change but something. So far we have not reached that place. With little unborn baby on the way we probably won't anytime soon either and I find myself . . .ambivalent. I am so excited to meet our little girl and have one last "tiny baby" set of memories. I am also a little frustrated and unsure about how adding another needy little person to our family will change the dynamics. I wish I had more time to myself, and yet I wish I was less selfish and more gracious in how I give my time as a mother. I just can't quite understand what God is whispering to my heart. I do feel He's trying to get a message through though, which is at least a little reassuring. Being confused is better than feeling overlooked or forgotten. I'm going to keep listening and see if it helps. Its a pondering, listening kind of day.

Heaven on Earth

On Friday morning I sent Bob a text asking him to help me think up some strategies for my sleep issues. Mostly right now my main issue is that Boy wakes up by 5:45am most days, and if I am up in the night with any of the kids, his early start is just more than my pregnant body can handle. I don't actually do all that well with his wake up routine even when I am not pregnant, but that's another post. I feel like a zombie--a cranky, mean hearted zombie who may or may not yell at her children just for acting chipper and awake at 6:15. Its no fun.

Anyway, I sent Bob the text and his response totally blew me away. Out of the water to a mountain far from the seaside. Instead of any number of expected answers, he said I had been needing a break anyway and promptly booked me 2 nights in a nearby hotel to hide from our children and sleep without interruption. I have already basked in the 2 nights and 2 days of rest and come home again and I am still in shock. His only instructions were not to spend more than a set amount on my food and entertainment(which is only fair), and that if I "started freaking out about paying for this he would go 'ape sh#t'" He's a wonderful man, have I mentioned that?

One result of this truly glorious reprieve is I suddenly feel able to hope for a less chaotic future, and continue functioning almost normally amidst the current disorder for awhile more. Another is that I feel like I've actually slept for the past 2 nights, which hasn't happened in 6 months at least. Plus I got the added bonus of a few hours to hang with my dearest friend, whom I have known since college and rarely get to talk with when there are neither children nor husbands around. Altogether this was a much needed and divine gift for which I am more grateful than mere words can ever express.

I have to repeat that Bob is quite possibly the most amazing man ever born and I am blessed to be his wife.

Addendum to yesterday

Re-reading my post about stuff I noticed I left out an important layer of my current state of mind. I ponder all these things, this dissatisfaction with the muchness of my life simply because I so often wonder whether Bob & I are missing the boat on God's desires. I believe God loves to see us doing what we love, and using the gifts and traits He gave us to serve Him and the world. Parenting young children requires us to sacrifice time and resources we might spend on any number of other worthy pursuits. That can be hard, but I believe this age when my kids are little is precious and important and so I am usually ok emotionally with putting off things I love for a few years to care for these little ones I love even more. Usually. But sometimes I wonder whether if I could just get a little better handle on some of my daily tasks, there wouldn't be time for me to pursue a few things I love even now.

If I could pare down some of our junk, would that make cleaning easier and quicker so I could improve my sewing? (a hobby I wish I could be better at, and do more often) Or if our grocery menu was more intentionally planned, would there be extra money in the budget for some much needed car maintenance, thus easing tension for Bob & I and giving us freedom to focus on loving our kids?

Overall I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by the natural state of chaos we seem to live in, and am trying to sort out if there any ways to create just a tiny bit more order.

Now I am in full pregnancy rambling mode so I should stop. :)

February is not my favorite month.

We live in Colorado. It is winter. While it is true that we do not live in the mountains and thus our winters are much more temperate and manageable than my childhood home in the upper mid-west, I still struggle with cabin fever. The last 2 weeks have been cold and snowy. With most days below freezing and a lot even below zero. I can handle cold when necessary, and this winter has been so hard in other areas of the country that I try not to complain. I was doing really well until about yesterday afternoon. The funny thing is what has me most irritated isn't the weather and the way it coops us up in the house sometimes. No, I am annoyed by my stuff. The sheer oppressive volume of our possessions is so overwhelming to me right now I could vomit. We are not a couple who buys a lot of stuff either. We splurge sometimes and our kids have several hundred toys because they have a lot of extended family to spoil them, but honestly we don't buy much besides food and diapers on any kind of regular basis. And yet everywhere I look I see things. Toys. Clothes. Computer equipment. Tools. Dishes. More Clothes and toys. Cars. Bikes. The list could go on an embarassingly long time. I know we are blessed beyond measure to live in a basically snug, safe home with enough of the essentials to go around. I know this. I tell myself this multiple times a day because I feel guilty for despising so much of what so many people would give anything to have.

But there is just so. much. stuff. Stuff that needs picking up or cleaning or folding or organizing or maintaining in some way. Stuff that needs replacing as it is used up at an alarming rate by my 3 amazing children, my pregnant belly, my teenaged brother-in-law or my husband. Just stuff. EVERYWHERE. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic; yet I am not sure what exactly we could do about a lot of it. 6 people and an 80 pound dog require clothes--no clothes for the dog but you get my point--and beds and places to put those beds and clothes. And kids should have toys right? And baby definitely needs diapers. A couch or 2 isn't so terrible an idea, nor is a computer or a single television. (Yes we really do survive with only 1 television in our house. Yes we are aware this is bordering on un-American for some people). The dog needs a place to sleep and a bowl of water. Plates to eat from are important, and it helps to have enough for company to join us occasionally. Bob has quite a large supply of tools in the garage, but he does nearly all our home/car/etc maintenance himself and thus needs a variety of things on hand. I cook a lot so most of those pots and pans and mixing bowls get used regularly. We're really not big hoarders so far as I know.

Still. I look around my home and see clutter and mess and general chaos. It is not tranquil in here, not one bit. I long for a home that looks like it has been cleaned recently; or at least one that looks organized. I wish at least all these blessings weren't so expensive to keep up. Laundry needs soap and a washing machine and water to get clean. Cars need oil changes and new brakes and any number of other things done to keep them running. All those children need to be wearing something each day, that fits and is appropriate for their activities. And shots and doctor checkups and dentist visits. Someday I'd like to buy enough food to last from 1 paycheck to the next without checking my balance every day in between to be sure we aren't overdrawn. Or order a pizza when I'm exhausted with no guilt over the credit card balance I am incurring. In a truly perfect world I could even replace worn out socks or underwear without waiting for our tax return. It seems counterproductive to spend so much to keep and maintain a bunch of stuff we don't even like in the first place, that we can't afford the few things we might like to do or have instead.

Alas this is not a perfect world. Time to buck up and fold some of this blessed laundry before we run out of hole-y socks and underwear. Until next time folks.

The Birthdays

Kid and Boy are exactly 2 years and 3 days apart. The end of January is thus a time of moderate frenzy as we try to make 2 separate days special despite the close dates. Friday was Kid's 6th birthday. He is 6!! I, like all parents, am still in shock my firstborn is so big. He has his first loose tooth now too, which only makes him seem even bigger. Boy turned 4 on Monday and was very excited to "finally" have his birthday too. Watching Kid have his day first is agony for Boy because he knows his is so soon but just not quite yet. I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things about each of my little men, similar to the birthday letters I've seen on other blogs.

Kid:
You, my firstborn son are a delight to me. Every time you learn something new and unexpected I am amazed. You figure things out so quickly it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. Your brain is so filled with ideas and plans that sometimes you talk nonstop for hours(literally) if we can find the patience to listen. I promise to keep searching for more patience about that, because the hurt in your eyes when we ask you stop talking is so hard for me to bear. We love you so much, and your exuberance and love for new challenges fills our house with energy and joy and noise and pure awesome-ness. You love to choose things that are just a little above your current skill set, and then you are so proud when you master them. It helps me stay motivated to try new things, even when they intimidate me. I think your whole being must vibrate with energy of every kind 24/7, because you so rarely slow down. You even talk in your sleep. I hope we can help you maintain your enthusiasm for learning and for life as you age, because it really is a rare gift. Thanks for being our very own superhero, and the leader of our little gang of offspring.

Boy:
Your gentleness is my favorite trait. You are so sensitive and sweet and affectionate, even though you are a "big boy" now. It is nice that you still love snuggles and to be carried and held as though you really are still a baby. The smile you give when Daddy or I tell you "No matter how old you get, you'll always be our 'baby'" is so precious. You are a quieter, deeper thinker than Kid and it is a lot of fun to see what plans and ideas you hatch in your adorable little head. You love to go along with your big brother's games, but I know you have your own ideas too, and when you share them it is usually hilarious. Or disturbing. Or hilariously disturbing. You are a very early riser which I admit is a struggle for Daddy and I, but I think some of your best thoughts and conversations are when we make room in our foggy brains for your morning energy and just listen. You have a persistent streak like no one I have ever met. I promise to always do my best to channel that persistence in a healthy direction instead of squashing or demeaning it. It will be such an asset to you when you're a man, I just want to nurture it. You like your alone time and to play sometimes by yourself. You love being able to help take care of Baby, even now that she is big enough to be a nuisance sometimes. You don't always like change and you have no trouble letting us know it; Mommy is like that too, so I try to be understanding. You are our very own Wonderboy and I am so glad God made you the way He did.

Our boys have been such crazy little blessings. Bob and I are in awe of them and their zest for life. May God always give us the strength to parent them well, and teach them to love freely and well.

A new outlook to ponder

Yesterday during our worship gathering our pastor said something I cannot get out of my head. "We are responsible for our own joy." It is a quote from somebody, but I didn't catch the name. The whole point of the quote--or at least from my perspective--was that joy shouldn't be situational if you are a believer and follower of Jesus. The reality of God's grace and forgiveness and love are meant to be things that fill us with JOY regardless of our daily circumstances and challenges. He mentioned how often people come back from mission work or humanitarian aid trips saying "the people have literally nothing and yet they're so joyful."
Rather than use this sentiment as a means to activate our guilty conscience though, last night was about discovering the cause for that difference. And encouraging us all to work harder at cultivating that joy. We didn't get asked for more money or to volunteer at a fundraiser; we were asked instead to draw near to the God of the universe and live joyfully. He mentioned how much he hoped we could all learn to do this, because he feels certain a community of otherwise "normal" people in our city living in manifest joy would be transformational to our city.
It is the kind of idea that I love to savor and chew on awhile, and then apply somehow. I'll get to work on the chewing but feel free to share your thoughts on how to apply it.

Today

Today is Wednesday. Boy has his preschool this morning, so it is just Baby and I and she is napping. She's a delightfully good little sleeper which we truly appreciate. Today we ran few errands after the boys were off to school; she got tired and just said 'Nigh Mama. Nigh.' Then she put her adorable little thumb in her mouth, hugged the stuffed hippo that is her favorite snuggly toy and went to sleep in her carseat. Her brothers were not so willing to give in to nap at this age so this is a lovely change.
Overall I am constantly amazed at how different her approach to the world is from Kid & Boy. Bob and I often wonder which differences are just because God made her a different person than they are, and which ones are only because she is a girl and they aren't. I am a firm believer that some types of differences are gender based, no matter what "experts" say about the whole nature/nurture argument. I hope as she grows up we can encourage her to enjoy her femininity without forcing her to fill any specific role. So far our sons are very masculine little people, but still able to express their emotions and be sweet, gentle, and a host of other traits often associated with girls. I pray the reverse will also be true for Baby.

I also pray it will be true for her baby sister once she joins us in the outside world.

Just as an update

Christmas and New Year's are over. School has restarted for Kid, Boy and Bill. Baby talks a lot, and mispronounces just enough things to be hilarious. Baby #4 is healthy and kicking like mad. She is the first of my unborn children ever to let the doctor listen to her heartbeat without chasing her around my belly first, which I enjoy. We have no idea what to name her. At all. Which is unusual for us, as we tend to like too many names rather than the reverse.

I am feeling decent this pregnancy, but exhausted nearly all the time and I get short of breath with little or no provocation which can be frustrating. We are so thankful she is healthy and so far there are no major complications.

Bob finished a big project over the holidays and I am thrilled he is done! I am hoping to start a few projects of my own soon and I like knowing he isn't mid-task on something too.

We got a new Bible for the kids and I am really enjoying reading it to them each day. Let's hope the truths it shares stick in the their little hearts.

That is all I can think of for right now. Enjoy your day--if anyone actually reads this thing.