I have been very tired lately, and unable to find the drive to write even so much as a recipe. We have had all manner of events causing higher than usual amounts of upheaval and stress and I am learning that maintaining my equilibrium during these seasons is exhausting for me. To wake up each day and manage to engage with my kids, and keep them fed and clothed is often all I can do. No extra cleaning or phone calls to friends(even when I desperately need a chat!). No extraneous errands or duties of any kind. I simply cannot do it. I don't know why, since nothing that has happened has really been so horrendous. Crazy and unexpected yes, but not really so bad in the grand scheme.
Bob was laid off a few weeks ago, which was unsettling; but he will get some severance pay and has already found a new job which is better on several fronts. And our bank account was hacked into, but they didn't get much money and we've already been refunded and they chose one of the only days in months when stealing from us wouldn't push our balance into the negative numbers. And these 2 things together, along with some other timing issues does mean I won't be able to take a trip I was really hoping to take. I am sad to miss it, but I do believe the past few weeks were a clear sign that now is not the time for me to go on this particular adventure. Plus the baby wouldn't have done well with me gone for so long and that would mean Bob and the other kids wouldn't either.
I am learning a lot about myself right now though, and that is sort of tiring too. Things like this amount of change really really drains me emotionally and I need to be extra careful to intentionally continue pouring into my kids. If I don't consciously choose to interact with them I find myself turning on the tv for hours and ignoring their bickering and cries while I aimlessly surf the internet or even just watch with them. It is no way to live and I have to fight that urge constantly. Because honestly, the energy I seem to require to process changes like these seems ridiculous to me. So I am still trying to sift through the cobwebs and cyclones of my mind to understand where the shifts have happened and what they mean for me as I move forward.
I just feel like I ought to be stronger somehow, more able to soldier on and accomplish things. I thinks it is bizarre and a bit irritating that rather than nervous energy that makes me obsessively clean cupboards or write or do something productive, I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself. Just sit. Or maybe nap a little. What does it say about me that I covet this specific brand of compulsion, even though I know so many folks who find it suffocating to live that way?
I have no idea. But I will keep processing and trying to discern what it all means and praying and maybe eventually I'll figure out a few useful tips to share. It could happen right?
I think this may be pretty disjointed and hard to understand; that is probably because my mind is feeling disjointed and difficult to understand right now.
