Wandering through my own mind

Sometimes I just sort of meander through the many random swirls of thought in my brain and wonder if any of them will ever un-swirl and become fully formed ideas, or even (gasp) actions. That's the big sticking point for me, always. To move from thought or intention to action. I don't think I ever learned how one does such a thing. No, that's not true, I know exactly how to to do it if it is for someone else's benefit; especially someone who doesn't live here. It's very backward when I really stop to think about it.

My house gets clean and tidy because someone is coming over, not because my family deserves a comfortable living space. I sew or write or bake because someone needs a gift or asked for my help, not because it feeds my soul to create. I cook and clean up spills and do laundry laundry laundry because I get hungry and dirty and goodness knows the kids do too. But not because I love to see them eat, or enjoy teaching them how to keep their own homes neat and homey someday. If I really stop to think, and wonder and process I simply cannot understand myself.

I don't know what it all means or how it should change or why it even matters. For me, knowing what things mean and why they matter are the catalysts for change. So to sort through it all is critical, if I want to become a me who can bless my family with not just words, but the work of love too. The housekeeping, clothes washing, yard upkeep kinds of love that help my children learn it's good and satisfying to work hard for those you love. I don't think I'm teaching them that very well and I'm ashamed. I'm embarassed when I hear Kid say "That sounds too hard, why do I have to?" Or when they leave their toys and clothes strewn about and uncared for instead of putting them away. Or assume they can just carelessly ruin and break things and then have them immediately and painlessly replaced. No effort, no struggle, no waiting. And I know this is kids and they are learning the world and that's my job as their mother. To teach them the waiting and the effort and the struggling and I try. Bob tries. We pray and we wake up every day and try again and that struggle is surely part of our growth just as picking up their toys is part of theirs. And still they act so entitled some days. So sure of material comfort without condition. And so I'm embarrassed again. Not for them, for me. At my own laziness and apathy. I've been given this 1 life to live, and somehow seeing them not care about the mess or be willing to help clean it up without prodding makes me sure I'm failing. Failing them, failing me, failing the world at large. There are things I should be doing to teach them these lessons and I'm not and I don't know why.

I am falling into my own head with these thoughts sometimes and it isn't helping and I'm back to wondering again how to move from thinking to doing. I want to be a doer when it comes to love and not just a talker. I just don't know how. So I wade back into those swirling eddy thoughts and I swing a fishing net through them and try to pluck them up and sort them out. And I'll keep trying until I get it right. One of these days this struggle will ease and then I suppose different one will take its place. Because this is a journey and I can't be on a journey if I don't keep moving. . .

Right?

I hate unresolved internal conversations. Perhaps I should stop posting so many of them.

Robbed

Today I took my kids to swimming lessons and then my mother, who is visiting for a week, bought us a drive through lunch as a treat. Shortly after we came home I discovered we'd been robbed. Pixie was already sleeping, Sunshine was on her way to nap, and I was suddenly terrified to be in my own home. My mom and I took the kids outside and called the police and stood in the hot front yard and waited for them. Sunshine fussed. I did a lot of surreptitious deep breathing in an attempt to appear calm for my children's sake. Kid was very upset. The police came and searched the house. No one was there. Neither was any of my jewelry, my father's wedding ring, some electronic devices, or my grandmother's antique pocket watch. Can I just interrupt this narrative to add that Bob is overseas for the next 5 days and nearly impossible to reach? Because he is, and it is not easy. And when I couldn't call him to come home and help me talk the kids through things I very nearly hyperventilated in my own front yard. The police officer was very kind and not very encouraging. He made a report and everything and basically said we'd never get any of it back. I appreciate the honesty but it was hard to hear. A dear friend came over to check on us, because he knew its scary to be burglarized and wanted to check on us. It was very soothing. My children were already overtired from a late night watching fireworks last night, and the upheaval brought them to a new low. I think they should all have gone to bed at probably 4:30pm. But they wouldn't, so we just had lots of screaming and fits and fighting while I dealt with the aftermath and tried to remain moderately collected. I've had 2 late nights in a row before this and my exhaustion was a major hindrance. My mother was an enormous help which was good. They only took things, and not very many of them, and everyone is safe and I am so very thankful for that; at the same time I am angry and frightened and annoyed and tired. It's been a very confusing day. I miss my husband and wish he were here to help me feel safe. I know God will keep me secure, but I also know secure doesn't always mean safe. Perhaps I will learn something from this experience that will change me or my life. At the moment I think I will mostly learn how to fill out insurance claim forms. I really am exhausted and need to sleep. Good night.