Lately I feel like my life has somehow become a high speed freight train of going going going, but never actually getting anywhere. Everything, from our schedule to Bob's job to the roller coaster of emotions 4 kids provide to keeping the house somewhat put together just feels so frantic and unendingly exhausting. I wake up each day and lay in bed praying "Please God. Just today, just once can we(meaning Bob & I) not feel overwhelmed and totally spent by noon? Pretty Please?" And then I get up and shower and dress and diaper and feed kids and hustle the boys out the door for school and load and unload them from the car 40 eleven times and clean and cook and fold and wash and and and and and. And Bob is stressed and hating work life and cannot catch a break to save his life where occupation is concerned.
And we are trying, each day to seek the joy and find the good and focus on the many blessings and things for which we are truly soul deep grateful. Some days it works, some days not. Lately, despite all the good and intentional choosing of focus I feel beaten. Conquered. Unable to slow down, breath, chill. I walk around with the satirical but so appropriate thought of someone somewhere who said "STOP THE WORLD I WANNA GET OFF!" Everything is just too much, too fast, too zooming along out of control.
Want to know the most ridiculous part of it all? We don't have that much going. I mean sure 4 kids 7.5 and younger is quite a bit of parenting and herding and whatnot, and school just started for Kid and Boy, but seriously we Don't. Do. Any. Thing. On Tuesday night we paid a sitter and went out for the evening together. It was I think the 4th time since last December we have done something so crazy. And that makes this a HUGE year event-wise. No one is in any clubs or sports or classes beyond the school day. Both boys attend the same school for the same number of hours each day. Said school is less than 6 blocks from our house. The girls and I are home large portions of each day with the flexibility to do or not do as needed. They can nap and play and "help" with housework. We go to church most Sunday evenings and occasionally do fun things with other families on weekends. That. IS. All. While it is true that over the summer Bob has somehow ended up(despite many assurances this would not continue) working 10-12 hour days several days a week and getting called on to help others on weekends, which makes for a grumpy tired husband and sad Daddy-missing children; it is also true that most of the husbands I know have to do that and seem to go along fine. I don't understand it all really, which is what makes me blog it in the hopes I will magically figure it out as I write. I'll let you know how that goes.
On most of the "cool" blogs I read, the writers seem to arrive at some profound, or at least coherent, point at the end and sign off having shared said point with clarity and passion and panache. I feel cloudy, lukewarm and as clumsy as a pregnant women on crutches. And like I have not made any point at all, except I keep trying to simplify our life and ease the stress of too much doing and still it feels a burdensome load. I guess this is one of those seasons where we will just keep on keepin' on and hope the steps we're taking pay off down the road. I can endure. I can. I can even (sometimes) do it cheerfully.
Have I mentioned I hate intentionally practicing patience and tranquility?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Daring Greatly Revisited.
I just re-watched the Brene Brown vids I mentioned in this post. They are still phenomenal. I can't sit and write too much because I need to clean my kitchen and go to bed, but I want to get these thoughts down before I crowd them out with the day to day tasks that eat my brain.
1. Bob is currently daring greatly in a few important areas and I am so so proud of him. I won't dissect that too much because they are his projects and not mine, but it is truly amazing and humbling to watch him work hard at his current goals. I love him, and I love being the wife part of our particular husband-wife set.
2. I am a huge coward when it comes to some of the things I believe God created me to be/do. I know they're hardwired into the essence of me, but I don't do them because I'm terrified that if I do, someone might find out and do something awful. You know, like expect me to try? Seriously. Gigantic coward.
3. In the video on vulnerability Brene talks about worthiness and its connection to courage and wholehearted living. Which reminds me that I really need to tell a friend about how her work at a retreat several years ago profoundly changed my life. Why does it remind me? The answer, simply put, is because she did a whole session with the women of my church on our true name/identity in Christ and I had a heart moment of epic proportions. I will have to post that particular piece of my story on its own I think, but I thought if I reminded myself here it might prompt me to stop frittering time and just do it.
4. Over the past few years my tv consumption has gone way way down. I have my addictions of course but they are waning and the list has been dramatically culled until there are genuinely no shows I "have to see" anymore. The biggest consequence I've noticed about this change is not that I am now super productive and organized and rested; those were the results I was hoping for and expecting. But nope. The real changes have been (imho) that I no longer spend so much time measuring myself against the lives of others. I feel less--not to say none I'm still human--discontent in the face of other people's comfort/success/perceived ease of life. I feel less need to conform and buy things and spend time and energy on a bunch of things I don't actually value or care about in order to fit in or elevate myself in others' esteem. My kids aren't in a zillion activities, and instead of getting defensive if people comment I just say "No, they aren't. We don't really do the hectic schedule thing very well." My husband and I don't have much in the way of active hobbies right now and I just don't care. We are tired and worn thin and once the kids are in bed we don't want to spend more energy on much of anything, even if its something we like doing. For this season of tiny children and long hours and early mornings this is what we need and it is truly, finally, joyfully, okay with me. I like our life and the choices we make to keep ourselves and our kids sane and if other people think I'm nuts than so what? I cannot definitively say these are all a direct cause/effect relationship to less tv viewing, but I am fairly certain that avoiding commercials and their loss aversion brain manipulation has helped. Also it has allowed me to see that my ability to relate to and care for others well is not affected by my knowledge of the shows they watch each night. My ability to live more "wholeheartedly" is about my desire to love and connect with the people in my life and I don't need to waste time watching tv to do that. What a concept! Only 34 years to figure it out too. I am surely a prodigy.
5. I think there are several more but this is long and it is late and I must wash dishes and then sleep. The end.
1. Bob is currently daring greatly in a few important areas and I am so so proud of him. I won't dissect that too much because they are his projects and not mine, but it is truly amazing and humbling to watch him work hard at his current goals. I love him, and I love being the wife part of our particular husband-wife set.
2. I am a huge coward when it comes to some of the things I believe God created me to be/do. I know they're hardwired into the essence of me, but I don't do them because I'm terrified that if I do, someone might find out and do something awful. You know, like expect me to try? Seriously. Gigantic coward.
3. In the video on vulnerability Brene talks about worthiness and its connection to courage and wholehearted living. Which reminds me that I really need to tell a friend about how her work at a retreat several years ago profoundly changed my life. Why does it remind me? The answer, simply put, is because she did a whole session with the women of my church on our true name/identity in Christ and I had a heart moment of epic proportions. I will have to post that particular piece of my story on its own I think, but I thought if I reminded myself here it might prompt me to stop frittering time and just do it.
4. Over the past few years my tv consumption has gone way way down. I have my addictions of course but they are waning and the list has been dramatically culled until there are genuinely no shows I "have to see" anymore. The biggest consequence I've noticed about this change is not that I am now super productive and organized and rested; those were the results I was hoping for and expecting. But nope. The real changes have been (imho) that I no longer spend so much time measuring myself against the lives of others. I feel less--not to say none I'm still human--discontent in the face of other people's comfort/success/perceived ease of life. I feel less need to conform and buy things and spend time and energy on a bunch of things I don't actually value or care about in order to fit in or elevate myself in others' esteem. My kids aren't in a zillion activities, and instead of getting defensive if people comment I just say "No, they aren't. We don't really do the hectic schedule thing very well." My husband and I don't have much in the way of active hobbies right now and I just don't care. We are tired and worn thin and once the kids are in bed we don't want to spend more energy on much of anything, even if its something we like doing. For this season of tiny children and long hours and early mornings this is what we need and it is truly, finally, joyfully, okay with me. I like our life and the choices we make to keep ourselves and our kids sane and if other people think I'm nuts than so what? I cannot definitively say these are all a direct cause/effect relationship to less tv viewing, but I am fairly certain that avoiding commercials and their loss aversion brain manipulation has helped. Also it has allowed me to see that my ability to relate to and care for others well is not affected by my knowledge of the shows they watch each night. My ability to live more "wholeheartedly" is about my desire to love and connect with the people in my life and I don't need to waste time watching tv to do that. What a concept! Only 34 years to figure it out too. I am surely a prodigy.
5. I think there are several more but this is long and it is late and I must wash dishes and then sleep. The end.
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