So yesterday I read this quote:
"Good is Jesus and His backwards, upside-down ways."~Jen Hatmaker's blog, March 18, 2013
And now I will tell you why it is a balm to my heart right now.
Lately I have been discovering new things about myself. New things about how I see the world; how I interact with my family and even myself; many many new things. Until fairly recently I would have said I was a remarkably self-aware person and while I'm not necessarily wrong about that, I'm learning I still have a long way to travel. Which is good and sort of exciting--if a long, arduous, uncertain journey with no discernible destination can be called exciting--and also scary and frustrating.
Need an example? I have always struggled with how certain things about me just don't "fit in". Anywhere I go, no matter what, there are some things in my soul I just can't quite get to match the world around me. Sometimes I am a trapezoid peg trying to sink into a decidedly triangular hole. Not square and round, those are to easily adjusted for. Other days I just feel like a baloney sandwich at a black tie dinner. Neither the trapezoid nor the baloney sandwich are bad or wrong--they're just not in the "right" environment. In my family of origin I am too "happy" to truly feel at ease. I just live my life from a totally different center than they do and it makes it hard to connect. Again, they are not wrong or bad or even deliberately exclusive. They just see the world from a different side of their hearts and the distance between us can seem insurmountable. My faith gives me a hope they just don't seem to trust is real; it can make me appear 'other' despite our many shared memories and common struggles. On the other hand in my faith community I just so often feel less-than. Less stable. Less together. Less biblically informed. Less able to understand and maintain the mundane things of life. Less theologically mature or sound. Less fashionable. Less gifted. Less intentional. Less faithful. Just less. I recognize these things are all both untrue and unjust when directed at others, because in reality it is just how I see myself. My church family is truly one of the most loving, giving, wonderful groups of people I have ever known. They love me, and us, wholly and well. When we let them. Which I think Bob & I often don't. Sigh.
Also, the more I delve into some of my inner turmoils (can one pluralize turmoil? whatever, I did.) the more I am uncovering that I have learned so very many things backwards from other people. In this regard I truly am "different" than most people. Just last night during a meeting someone mentioned that our group had been handling disagreements so lovingly and well and how it was helping her feel less stressed about reaching our goals as a group. She ended with something like "I just don't like conflict, so this has been good for me." My first thought was "Eureka!!! I finally understand why our meetings wear me out so much!! Healthy, loving conflict is just exhausting to me."
Why? It is profoundly against Every. Single. Thing. I have ever been taught about how a conflict works. I have absolutely no ability to auto-pilot or instinctively navigate a disagreement amongst a loving group more focused on kind treatment of those with whom I disagree than on winning. Yes I just said winning even though I know conflicts are supposed to be resolved, not won. You see the problem? Give me a shouting, belligerent, irrational, possibly drunk adversary whose only desire is to see me submit to their "right-ness" and I can crush you like a bug. Got a snide, snarky, passive aggressive, conflict avoidant foe who'll agree to your face and then turn around and do exactly as they please the minute your back is turned? Bring it. I can smack that sh*t down no problem.
But ask me to engage in a Christ-like exchange of differing views and opinions with an end goal of reaching consensus in love and true understanding and I am lost. I am ill at ease and adrift in a sea of inappropriate responses. I have definitely grown in this area over the years and can even occasionally formulate appropriate replies without having to filter too much. But usually I have to really dig deep in my mind and shovel multiple piles of sarcastic, belittling, not at all helpful or good words out of the way first. It is so tiring. Worth it, but just tiring.
In a similar way, I am a person often mentally and emotionally paralyzed by the mundane. Especially if it is something mundane that is meant to be accomplished via internal motivation rather than an outside stimulus or expectation. Crisis though? THAT I can do. Give me an unexpected family issue or semi-emergency and I'm on it. Friends in need? Got it covered. Temporary time of strenuous work or emotional output? I'm your girl. Daily, grinding, on-going "regular" issues? Nope. Can't get a handle on it to save my life. Thus I feel more than able to help a friend in struggle, or function at a somewhat normal level in an emergency, but I cannot find a way to keep my bathroom clean or teach my children to do chores. When there is "nothing going on" in our life I am finding that is when I am most likely to find organizing my house or sticking to a cleaning routine to be insurmountable tasks. Now that is not to say I suddenly keep a neat home when things get crazy. It only means at those times I am able to prioritize tasks and mostly I ignore anything unpleasant or not absolutely necessary. So I'll do the dishes, because otherwise we'll run out of forks, but I probably won't have cleaned my toilet in weeks and I won't care. It is an ongoing issue with no easy solution.
Based on conversations with friends and loved ones, I know these are unusual. I'm mostly ok with being unusual, but then sometimes it starts to wear on me. Living a life of constantly, unendingly, ALWAYS being the odd one out is depressing sometimes.
So when I read Jen's wonderfully encouraging words yesterday it was like a a fresh breeze on a hot still day. If Jesus was backward, then maybe I can find my way after all. Maybe there IS a purpose to all this messy growth I'm experiencing. Maybe some day I will look back and be able to clearly see how all this was exactly what I needed in order to serve God and help others. I'm writing it down just in case.
