The Follow up

I'm still not entirely sure I know what I want to say. I think I should start with a thank you, and a backstory. A few posts ago I mentioned that some friends were taking me out for a little weekend getaway, just because they're wonderful friends who felt I'd benefit from some rest. Anne, Amy, & Laini, THANK YOU. You are loving, kind, gracious friends and knowing how much you care leaves me speechless. I've been trying to write you each a note since you dropped me off and I cannot find adequate words for how loved I felt, even if I seemed indifferent. I never know the appropriate response is for simple unexpected kindness. I am pretty sure I don't deserve such generous friends.

During our time together they asked me several times "what do you want to do/go/eat?" They weren't trying to be pushy or intrusive, they wanted to do whatever felt most rejuvenating to me. And while I think I usually came up with sort of normal answers I was always thinking
"hide. avoid any semblance of true connection and just hide."
Which, if you know these women is a ridiculous reaction. The 3 of them are some of the most gracious, kind, gentle people I've ever met. They've born many many burdens--mine, their own and others--in the years I've known them and never made me feel like they mind. Sometimes I find myself in situations that remind me how unusual our little community truly is, and it always makes me both incredibly grateful and unbearably sad. To realize how many people just don't have anyone in their life who cares for them well makes me sad. So to have friends like these is something I value so highly. And yet. Still, if they ask how I am how do I react? I try to hide. I try to avoid answering through all manner of avoidance tactics. I asked about their lives, I changed the subject, I deflected by give half-answers that addressed real issues I'm struggling with, but didn't touch the core of my heart. Does this sound ridiculous to anyone else? Even at the time I remember thinking I was being ridiculous and I still couldn't seem to help it. It's a flaw I have, this reflexive deflection.

So when we got home I felt a bit deflated; like I'd disappointed them with my guarded, defensiveness. It all seems so silly now but that is why they say hindsight is 20/20 right?
So all of that to say the videos(links at bottom of post) I watched of this researcher talking about being vulnerable came at what could be gently described as 'timely'. Her discussion on what she calls Wholehearted living and what it could mean for our culture just hit me really hard. On a gut wrenching, heart searing level that I was unprepared to process*. I didn't understand why it dug so deep to hear what she had to say. I think I still don't entirely understand.
Here's what I have so far though: too much of my outlook, my inner monologue, my daily approach is based in shame or fear. Apparently I am unconsciously a moderate self hater. I wouldn't have described myself that way a few months ago but the more I pay attention to what's actually going on inside my head the more I'm sure its true. I say moderate because if I stop and listen, I can usually turn myself around fairly quickly; not always but usually. Even so I'm shocked regularly to really hear what goes through my own mind at any given moment. For me the "not good enoughs" are different than a lot of women(at least I think they are, based on what I know about other womens' struggles). My appearance isn't a huge thing for me in general. I'm not super confident about risks in that area but on the other hand I don't care very much if people think I'm sloppy or under dressed or whatever. It just isn't something that interests me.
Like everyone though, that nasty voice constantly reminds me of zillions of other ways I don't measure up. My house is too dirty, and not decorated or organized well enough. My kids are too loud, too dirty, too hyper, too weird or some combination thereof. I'm an inconsiderate wife, a lazy daughter, not a supportive enough sister or friend. I'm not spiritual enough or gracious enough or loving enough to people God places in my life. I'm always late and I don't send birthday cards or Christmas cards or remember to buy presents for my family. I don't walk my dog enough. The list--as I'm sure you can imagine--can go on for miles.
Now we hit my sticking point. The one that always trips me up in these soul endeavors. What next? I recognize God prodding me toward something, His loving insistence that I not ignore all these pots He's stirring in me. And lots of growth IS happening in tiny little bits at a time. But you know what? Growth is hard. And exhausting. And not usually pretty or fun. And there's no easy way to tell if I'm finished. How will I know if I've "fixed" this? I'm not even sure I like this brand of growth. Couldn't I just have some sort of major epiphany and then be totally done with certain issues? Why now? What should I do with all of this to help myself continue processing? I don't know. For today it has to be enough that I've written it down, and I'm willing to keeping thinking it over. Hopefully that will lead me somewhere good tomorrow.
Hopefully.

*I am nearly always unprepared to process hard hitting emotional responses.

http://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown.html

Both her talks appear in the right hand column of her ted page. They're about 20 minutes each.

Daring Greatly

I just watched 2 phenomenal ted talks. The speaker mentions that quote by Teddy Roosevelt about how the credit in life should go to the man in the arena. The one who actually dares to attempt something, even if it means they fail. I'll find some links and put them in here later, but for now I just needed to say that this idea--when stated in light of our cultural tendency towards shame and its conspirator fear--is shaking me to my core. I don't know why or what that might mean but I know it is important and I intend to run hard after the source of that shaking. If anyone reads this, please check back in a few days or a week to see what happens.

Have a wonderful soul-giving day.

Laundry in abundance

Let me intentionally start this post with something positive, something cheery and not depressing, whiny or sad. My 4th child, who still needs a pseudonym even though she's 10 months old, recently discovered she can pull herself into a standing position. She is very excited and proud of this new feat and grins adorably while she does it. Those sweet, dimpled little smiles are some of my very favorite moments each day. *contented sigh*
She is a truly endearing little person who seems to delight in all parts of our disorganized life. Except for teething or the flu--but who can blame her for not liking those? I heart her. And so does Bob, who currently sees her less than 1 hr a day due to an unmanageable workload combined with an infant's sleep needs. If I could change 1 small thing in our life right now it would definitely be making it possible for Bob to be able to spend more time loving on that baby. He adores her, and cannot get enough of playing and snuggling and laughing with her. I think it would be therapeutic for his overworked soul. *less contented sigh*

And now my originally intended post.
I do a lot of laundry. And I hate it. I hate hauling it down to the machines, sorting it, having to remember to switch the load, hauling it back up. I really really hate folding it and either putting it away or browbeating my offspring into putting their own away. (This chore being, clearly, a torturous task only the truly horrid would foist on a child) I hate it because it is thankless, and monotonous and most of all because it is never. Ever. done. Ever.
Last weekend I completed something like 8 loads of laundry, after a week that included both house guests and a disgusting flu that involved both vomit and explosive intestinal distress. And when I finished folding it all do you know what happened? I bet you can guess. . . Yep, I still had 2 more clean loads in the dryer or baskets, plus the other items already re-filling hampers in all 3 bedrooms. And today I will be doing some more.
I am trying to find something in this unending task to be thankful for, but today it eludes me. I mean, I'm glad no one in our house has to go naked and all, but only in an intellectual, no desire to get calls from schools or get Bob fired way. Not actually grateful. I suppose the rest of our community is glad we aren't nudists, so maybe knowing I'm contributing to the common good will have to be close enough for now. Tomorrow I will be thankful for many things, including some uninterrupted time with dear friends who I cherish and who love me much better than I deserve. Is it ridiculous to be saving up thankfulness? *final, confused sigh*