The new chapter

It is late September. I am tired. My mouth tastes of stomach acid and iron and what I had for dinner, only as though dinner was rancid. My teeth ache, and the space where I need a crown hurts anytime I chew or breathe. I feel lonely and disconnected and terrified. I don't think I'm ready for this, strong enough for it. I know the reason for these problems, and have survived them before; yet somehow this time they overwhelm me. I thrash and struggle against the current of my life as though it may change something, move me to another river. A quieter, slower one with no predator fish. It won't help and I know it. I do it anyway, and Bob watches and tries to be supportive. Its not all that convincing because he is struggling too.

All of this sounds depressing and ugly and hopeless. Oddly enough it isn't. Despite the fear, and the illness and the dental problems I have hope. Hope this will end and there will be results that put it in perspective. I'm fond of hope. So today I'm thankful for the possibility of hope. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Whoever (whomever?) you are.

Drowning

Today I feel as though I am drowning. I feel isolated and alone and as though I will never again resume my "normal" life. I am exhausted and grumpy and poured out. I hate feeling like this. I know where its coming from with all the changes in our life the last month or so. Kid in kindergarten every day, Boy in preschool twice a week, my teenaged brother in law moving in with us from out of state and going to high school. Plus we've been sick since labor day. First Bob & Kid, then Boy, then Baby and Bob and Me, now Kid again. Ughh. Plus some other new developments in our life that are good but will require some major adjustments to pretty much everything. It seems like I haven't left my house just to do something fun and while feeling well in years. I even missed church this week because I was sick. All I wanted was to go this morning to my regular weekly playgroup and drink coffee with too much cream and sugar and let Boy and Baby run around for a few hours while I chatted with some friends. It sounded so lovely. But alas Kid came home from school yesterday and vomited violently. I wanted to send him to school this morning anyway after he told Bob "Daddy I feel super great this morning! So much better than yesterday when I threw up." Bob however, being a better person than I am, said no. Kid's class was going on their weekly hike today and even Kid said he thought he'd be too tired to make it. So here I sit, in my messy house, wallowing in my petulance. And yet even as I say to myself "Self, your life just isn't that bad quit whining and get in the game!" I find I cannot. I'm simply too tired. And lonely and frustrated over one more unexpected health issue disrupting things. Maybe tomorrow? Sigh.

educational whirlwind

Today Boy started preschool. He was so excited to finally be included in the wonderous world of "school" like Kid. He already has a plan for which toys and games he'll play with first when he goes back on Friday. It is beyond adorable to watch him drink in this new experience. And I am thankful for his enthusiasm; typically Boy isn't too keen on new places, especially if they don't inlclude Mom and Dad. He still gets upset sometimes being left in Sunday School and he's been with the same teachers and other children for nearly 2 years. Now its true his preschool is located in the same building as Bob's job so Daddy will be literally right down the hall. Still, he took some big steps toward "big boyhood" this morning. I am so proud of his little round headed self I can't stand it.

Kid is already a seasoned kindergartener and loves it. LOVES. IT. Yesterday the class went on a 3 hour hike and I didn't hear one complaint about tired feet or bugs or having to carry his own water bottle. I may nominate his teacher for sainthood on these facts alone. My little adventure lover is in his element and I am so thankful he can go to this school.

Baby is still a baby and I get to keep her home and snuggle her a little longer. That is exciting too, because if the past week has taught me anything it's that my Grandmother was right. They do grow up so fast.

Spinning out some thoughts

I posted earlier about how lately my brain feels jumbled and crowded with lots and lots of thoughts about things. Too many thoughts to sort and post all at once, but here is one I need to process by writing about it. I attend a playgroup with some dear friends once a week. I've known some of the mothers for year--since before we were even Moms--and I love them. They are dear, Godly, intelligent, beautiful women and we support each other in this absurd and wonderful journey through motherhood. And yet sometimes I just feel like an alien trying to decipher the codes of a foreign culture. Last week the subject of children's clothes and dressing them came up and I was at a loss for how to relate to anything they had to say. One friend said her 5 year old daughter is really into doing her own hair; I was thinking that sounded like fun to watch when she continued with the following. "But of course she has no idea what's she doing, so it always comes out looking terrible and I just can't let her go out in public like that."
Me: But is she proud of herself once she's done?
Friend 1: Rolls eyes affectionately at me. Yes, Kate she is. But she looks ridiculous and I can't stand it.
Friend 2: I know! I can't let my husband dress our son or he'll just be a mess.

Me: Friend 2, your son is 2 years old! Do you honestly think people care what he's wearing? Even Friend 1's 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.
***I have to be honest here, fashion and matters of social etiquette regarding clothing are not my forte and I tend to ignore them except for special occasions. I shoot for clean, without holes or ugly stains and children who are independent enough to dress themselves each morning. That being said, these women are women I admire and genuinely like and respect so I try to understand their perspectives on things I'm less than versed in; still, I was saddened by their responses.

Friend 1(with another exasperated sigh) Kate, you just don't understand. People will tease her, looking like that. Other kids will make fun of her.

Me: You really think 5 year olds care about fashion? Enough to mock someone? And Friend 2, you honestly believe there are adults judging you because your toddler doesn't "match"? I just don't think that's true.

Both of them responded that yes, they do indeed think other kids notice because THEY would notice and say(or at least think) something so surely children would too. And as far as random strangers they both felt people definitely would view them negatively as mothers if their child doesn't follow the norm. It made me sad. And angry. And confused. I stopped talking and let them finish the conversation without me because it was clear I'd have nothing of value to them to add. Situations like this always leave me feeling left out, freakish even. Being the misfit in a group is not new to me, but it still stings a bit. Especially amongst close friends. I don't LIKE to feel like an outcast; like my thoughts and beliefs make me somehow other, somehow less valuable than they.

Is it so crazy to believe that small children, as a rule, are more interested in someone's actions than their attire? That rather than be unkind to a little girl with an unusual hairstyle they might be intrigued and ask how she did it? Or that most people in a supermarket or on a sidewalk wouldn't even notice if my son wears a striped shirt with his plaid shorts? It doesn't seem like it should be so laughable an idea. Or if it is, shouldn't we work at changing that in ourselves and our children? To help them learn to gauge a person by their actions and their character and not their appearance? My friends are(generally speaking) strong, smart capable women who want their children to love God and grow into adults who serve him well. I just can't quite sort out how strong fashion sense and a desire to conform to trivial social norms simply to avoid the possibility of a rude remark fits into those life goals.

Now maybe I'm naive and it will be quite obvious to everyone that I am wrong here. It has happened before(many times:) and if that's the case I'd love to hear why. Frankly, it would be much easier if I am wrong. Then I could just adjust my own point of view and fit in nicely with my surroundings. Fitting in is just so much simpler and less tiring. But if I'm not, if what's actually true is we need to teach our children to think less about how other people think of them and more about how God thinks of them, then what? What should I have said to these friends to reach the heart of the issue without being judgemental or being blown off? What should I say to my own kids when they ask questions about fitting in or being teased? Tact and diplomacy are not my best skills so any advice would be welcome. This is an issue I think I'll be trying to work out for awhile.

So many tumbling thoughts.

I feel lately like my brain is a dryer on tumble. So many different ideas and thoughts and feelings tumbling around all day. I can't seem to straighten them out. I hope to find time in the next week or so, as I enter an exciting new phase of motherhood: school age children! Kid started kindergarten this morning and its an all day program. Boy starts preschool 2 mornings a week next week. This means--drumroll please--I will have 2 mornings each week with just Baby! I love the idea of more one on one time with both my youngest while Kid gets to enjoy the new challenges and structures of a classroom. I know many of my fellow bloggers have taken on home-schooling and I love that idea for some part of our life. For right now though, Kid needs extra stimulation and challenges from someone outside our home, and I need some time to rest. Kid is a constant cyclone of energy and needs verbal feedback a lot. I love his curiosity and desire to learn but I think lately I've either been neglecting Boy and Baby to attend to his questions or neglecting Kid to attend to Boy and Baby. So this year I am looking forward to re-gaining some balance as a Mom.
I have more to say but no more time to say it.

The FAM

So the thing about me is, I come from an enormous family. Seriously. My extended family is practically its own country there are so many of us. If only I were exaggerating a little. And I have to say that I LOVE it. Its true Thanksgiving can be a bit chaotic when 50 of my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses and children sit down to dinner, but we make it work. And yes, sometimes we argue, or people fight or so and so isn't talking to thus and such because large families, like junior high, have drama. That being said, I cannot explain how much I enjoy showing up at a house full of people I haven't seen in months--or years, or sometimes ever before in my life(more on that later)--and being welcomed and hugged and helped with my active children and told to eat anything that looks appealing. I love to eat, and family gatherings always include food. We are an eating group; in fact I'm pretty sure this month we are single-handedly supporting the grocery and liquor economy of a certain suburb of St. Paul, Minnesota.

I should back up a bit and give some backstory here. First and foremost, my paternal Grandparents were each 1 of 6 siblings, and were devout Catholics. Thus, Nanna and Grandpa had 12 children, and most of their siblings had 5 or 10 more. Once you add up all the kids in my father's generation from both sides of his family you get something like 82 offspring. And a large number of those 82 offspring grew up and got married and had a least a few kids of their own, and now we kids are having kids, and the numbers are truly getting a bit ridiculous. Aside from the sheer size we have a few other quirks that make us unique. For example about 70% of these people still live in and around the St. Paul, Minnesota area. This means that unlike a lot of folks, I can recognize and name large groups of my 2nd and 3rd cousins. Even some 4th, if there is such a title. We see each other often enough that we can chat about jobs and kids and uncle Whoosit that did something crazy at the last family wedding. So geography and reproduction have worked together to create the perfect storm of and Irish/Polish version of the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Its fun. And insane. But mostly fun.
The other thing about my family is this: Nanna is hard core. When Grandpa passed away in the 1960s, she was left alone with no marketable job skills and 8 of her dozen children still living at home. She had her husband's pension to live on, but postal workers didn't exactly break the bank in those days so it didn't go very far. Did she move back in with her mother? Sign up for Welfare and Food stamps? Plead with her priest for help from the benevolence fund? Nope, not my Nanna. Instead, she packed up her kids and moved to Perth. As in the western coast of Australia. The far side of the planet from here. The currency exchange was in her favor at the time and she felt American culture was turning away from the values she held dear. So off they went, and they've mostly stayed there ever since. So I have 15 or 20 cousins here in the states, and the 20 or 25 more in the land down under. It can be sort of bizarre to hear updates about cousins I've never met, but a lot of them have made trips to see us and someday Bob and I will pack up our kids and go visit them too. We're having a reunion this summer and a bunch of them have travelled here to see us for several weeks. Its a good time.

So anyway, these days Nana is 93 and still lives on her own. She generally enjoys good health, still has all her marbles and her own teeth and goes along swimmingly. She has a lot of support from my family there, and takes it easy when necessary. She has built a life there and seems to be happy. But this year is different; this year is the 2010 family reunion and it is happening in Minnesota. So what does she do? Well she buys a ticket and packs a bag and traipses off the America to oversee the proceedings of course!!!

This woman amazes me. I cannot tell you how incredible I find her and her life. She has outlived her husband by more than 50 years, her twin sister by nearly 20, and 2 other siblngs as well. She moved away from her entire family to another country all alone and made a successful life for herself and her children. She has buried 3 of her children, one of whom lived with her at the time of her death. She is currently dealing with the decline of one of my aunts, who has alzheimers. There are countless hardships and struggles that could easily have made her bitter or crazy or just plain killed her. But she is still kind and and loving and laughs a lot. She gives her family as much time and prayer and support as she is able and it amounts to a lot. This week she was actually hospitalized during her visit for an infection that had us all worried but came home to my uncles house a few days later and was just as independent and stubborn as ever. She remembers names and faces of her grandchildren and their spouses and her great-grandchildren. (that amounts to about 80 names and faces, in case you were wondering) I am in awe of her. She is a force of nature, and I am so thankful her illness wasn't more serious and she will be with us a while longer. The reunion wouldn't be the same without her and neither would I. I need to write several more posts about all the goings on but first I have to sleep and then get up with my children in the morning. I'll do my best to keep you posted, assuming anyone ever reads this thing.

Gratitude Community

I am way behind. Here is a list of some truly amazing things in my life right now.

Our re-financing happened. Smoothly and with better results than we had hoped for.

Baby is nearly walking, and loves to show off her new skill.

Kid is suddenly more affectionate. Hugs and Snuggles are a real gift from him.

Bob is finally working on a project he's been wanting to start for months. It makes him happy.

We had a few days of rain, and now the sun is out again.

My brother is visiting and he's just lots of fun.

Baby is a delightfully impish little thing. She makes me laugh.

Boy is happy and safe and not traumatized by some sad events in his life.

Boy and Kid are playing together really well.

It smells like wet, freshly rained on grass outside.

I like my life.