A quote I must ponder:

"our brokenness is what our art is made of, that when we show our wounds, others will reveal theirs and in that authentic space, art is made where a wounded Savior is revealed" quoted from: adailyportion blog.

This is still not my birth story post.

Now the photos I promised: Baby & Little One, because they're beautiful




Lately I have been really struggling to overcome myself, to get out of my own way. It can be very frustrating for me to be constantly stuck with, well being me. As a wife and Mom and as our family's main housekeeper, I tend to be very lazy and selfish with my time. Why scrub the kitchen tile when I could watch a little tv during nap or waste time on facebook? So my house gets messier and messier and then suddenly I am living in a disaster area and the idea of cleaning it all up is so overwhelming that I just don't. I don't even try a lot of the time and I don't like it. For a long time I have made excuses based on our life circumstances; I've been pregnant or nursing or mourning a miscarriage for a minimum of 9 months of every year since 2004. Pregnancy is rough on my body and the emotional toll of various other things in our life plus being an introvert while being a Mom to very extroverted children are not small things I can just toss off.

Still.

Still I wake up so often and hear this little prompt in my head saying "maybe you're over-doing the whole I'm too tired thing". Generally I have squashed that voice like a bug and happily continued stepping over and around the heaping piles of toys and laundry and dishes that pile up. Overall I actually stay at least partially caught up on dishes and laundry purely by necessity(tough to eat and leave the house if you have no clean forks or pants) but months have often passed between toilet scrubbings and the floors get so crunchy and full of dirt we all just wear our shoes to keep from feeling the crud. Now that I have typed that sentence I am ashamed of myself, because that's just pretty gross. And unsanitary from a parenting perspective. And just icky. Wow.

So now that I'm completely embarassed, and all my readers(both of you!:) are mentally vowing to never set foot inside my house again let's move on shall we?

At any rate the whole point of all this is that since 'Little One'(aka my youngest child) was born I have been feeling pushed to do more, be better, set a more industrious example to my little tribe of future adults. I have no idea how to accomplish this but I am trying. And really trying, not just pretending I tried and it was too hard. Little One is such a delight and a blessing to us, she just fills my heart with light and joy and makes it tough for me to justify whining about a cleaning my kitchen or wiping down my bathroom. So many people would love to have a house full of babies, if it meant they could be parents. Or get back what they've lost. So many have to worry about whether their water is safe enough to drink or clean with, or whether there's any food to even cause dirty dishes. There are just so many things that could so easily be so much worse or more difficult. Maybe its time I stopped slacking off and starting living like I notice how blessed I am. If my pastor is right, and living from a place of joy is based first in my own choices then now is the time for me to choose. So I am working on choosing gratitude and contentment and resisting my instinctive tendency toward anger and indolence.

I have no clue if this will last or be a successful endeavor. I'd really like it to be though; I think I will find much more satisfaction if my days are spent actually doing something than when I just sit around grouching at my kids for interrupting my computer time. Plus my kids won't get lost or crushed under mounds of unfolded clothes.

I haven't forgotten I have a blog

Although it may seem that is true, I promise it isn't. However since my last post we have had: 1 brother visiting for roughly 12 days longer than I thought were planned--and he brought a 2nd houseguest; 1 precious baby girl born 4/20; 1 completely insane 4 day weekend in which we travelled to the east coast with all 4 children and Bill to watch (and participate in) Bob's little sister's wedding; 1 'Boy with a broken elbow. This last actually occurred during the insane weekend, although we didn't know it was broken until after we got back and brought him to the doctor. There were doctor's visits, x-rays, splinting and casting last week. Ahh the joys of parenthood. Boy is a trooper though, so he is doing well.

I will write out our birth story for this littlest one of ours soon. And maybe the other kids too, just so I don't forget. I may or may not include some photos, we'll see.

That's all for now.

This week

All 3 boys have spring break. Kid and Boy were offered the chance to go to a basketball camp at no charge through Bob's job. He signed them up; I was not thrilled at first. I thought it would mean I'd have to rush around each morning getting them ready, just like for school and it sounded exhausting.

Then only yesterday or the day before, I realized it really means that Baby and I will have all morning long to hang out and relax and rest! For 5 consecutive days!! Today was delicious, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be too. As the time for little quattro girl to be born gets closer, I find myself more and more loving quiet days where I may not accomplish many tangible tasks but at least I don't feel wrung out by mid-afternoon and dread the rest of the day. The slower pace can chafe my fidget-y soul but it is good and necessary for my mental and physical health and for Quattro's. It is a true gift and I am loving it.

The other amazing thing is that last night Bill offered to volunteer with the camp the boys are at and forego sleeping in all week. I was shocked he'd even consider hanging out for 3 hours a day with a bunch of little kids instead of doing what teenagers love to do--sleep for hours and hours on end because they can. He seemed like he had fun when I picked up the little boys so I am glad he's getting out of the house and enjoying himself. He's a sweet kid and I need to remember that more often.

May anyone reading this have a blessed and restful week, like mine is shaping up to be.

Since last time . . . .

We have been sick. Baby & Bill each took a turn at a nasty vomiting flu week before last, and this last week has seen poor Kid with a high fever and bad cough which lead to nasal congestion which lead to an ear infection which lead to his eardrum rupturing. Poor little guy is just so tired of feeling lousy. Boy has been sort of up and down with acting like he might come down with something one day, but being fine the next. Thursday and yesterday he had a high fever and was super lethargic but hasn't developed much else besides a runny nose. We are praying he stays healthy, because I came down with bronchitis & a sinus problem and Bob's long standing cough has returned with more fervor. I have been nearly useless since Wednesday evening which, as a Mom, is quite frankly infuriating. This morning I thought I felt a little better, so I tried to do a few things. Literally maybe 3 things around the house after I had showered and given the kids breakfast. (Today was Bob's turn to sleep in, in an effort to allow us both extra rest & healing) By the time he got up around 9, I had to nap in our recliner for nearly an hour because I was exhausted, short of breath and borderline feverish. Ugh.

In general I don't stay sick very long. If I can get one good day of rest with a long night's sleep most illnesses just don't stick. Except that I'm pregnant; I seem to forget how much that can effect my body's ability to cope somehow. When I went to the doctor(2nd visit from our fam in 2 days thank you very much) he took a look at me, squinted a little and said "Where are the reinforcements at your house?"
I laughed a bit sarcastically and told him Kid was still sick and Bill had school. He didn't seem to see the humor but I figure when I'm this ill and my kids are ill and needy and Bob had some things he simply couldn't leave undone at work, then all I can do is laugh and keep trying. Such is life when you have no family nearby and all your friends have kids of their own who they don't want to expose to your sicknesses. I got some delightful prescriptions and Bob not only came home early that day, he worked from home all day Friday just so I could lay around wallowing in my respiratory issues. In spite of all this, I am working hard at being thankful so I will list some things I am grateful for today.

I am thankful for prescriptions that are readily available and seem to be working. I am thankful for children who see hours of tv viewing as a special treat they'll sit still to watch. I am incredibly thankful that unborn baby is still healthy and kicking up a storm despite my current wimpy weakness. I am thankful for the prayers of friends who love us and stand beside us during rough weeks. I am thankful for beautiful spring like weather and an adorable flower girl dress for Baby at a sale price. And I am especially thankful to hear that a dear family member is safe and sound with his lovely wife in Japan. I pray for those in need there, and for those who are not safe and sound and able to call their family to reassure them.

Things I learn from my 6 year old.

Yesterday I had to apologize to Kid at bedtime. I had been impatient and harsh with him all during dinner and the time leading up to it. I told him I was sorry I let my frustrations get the best of me and that I would try to do better tomorrow. His response melted my tired, grumpy heart and left me humble before his graciousness. "It's okay Mommy, that's in the past. I love you." Followed up with a giant hug and an extra I love you.

"And a little child shall lead them." Indeed.

Sometimes I wonder

Some days I am so glad to have my life. We are, in truth, so very blessed. Our children are healthy and bright and know we love them. We have a home and food and Bob has a job to keep those things going. Kid loves school and he's getting a great education. Bill is doing well. Unborn baby is strong and growing on schedule. Our friends are amazing and we have a wonderful community to support us during times of stress. The list could go on, but I'll stop and get back to my point.

Some days I feel so blessed and honored by our life. And then something inside me chirps "But is this it? Isn't there more to God's plan than health and comfort and simplicity of daily life?" And I stop and ask myself, is there? I don't know. I hope so, because despite our conventional life I am dreamer and I dream of so many things. Things that seem more eternal that a lot of my life right now. Things that aren't sweeping my kitchen floor or folding laundry. Things that don't involve 20 minute conversations about who cuts my friends' hair and why they like him/her. (Not kidding, 20 minutes on hair. I had nothing to say.) Things that help my kids see how many other people exist in this world who need to know we love them, or help getting healthy or even just food and a bed--or even better, things that actually provide those items to the folks who need them. Things that MATTER. Bob and I both dream a lot about the hows and whens and whys of working toward those things; I hope someday we can do more than pray about them.

I keep thinking we're almost to a place where we'll have unused energy and time to do more concrete work on things I see as "externally eternal". Things that aren't "just raising kids". I know raising our children and caring for their needs is incredibly important, even holy, and yet there are days I feel as though we don't do anything else. At all. Ever. So I keep hoping the kids will be in a stage that might give us more flexibility in our schedule, or our finances will even out a little and give us more ability to give to worthy causes, or I don't know exactly what would change but something. So far we have not reached that place. With little unborn baby on the way we probably won't anytime soon either and I find myself . . .ambivalent. I am so excited to meet our little girl and have one last "tiny baby" set of memories. I am also a little frustrated and unsure about how adding another needy little person to our family will change the dynamics. I wish I had more time to myself, and yet I wish I was less selfish and more gracious in how I give my time as a mother. I just can't quite understand what God is whispering to my heart. I do feel He's trying to get a message through though, which is at least a little reassuring. Being confused is better than feeling overlooked or forgotten. I'm going to keep listening and see if it helps. Its a pondering, listening kind of day.