rambling new year thoughts

So this may be a bit morbid, but the other day my nephew posted this photo on facebook. Its my father's headstone, from his recent visit to the cemetery. When I saw it there, with his very sweet message of love for his grandfather I felt exposed. raw. wounded. My soul clawed frantically for coping mechanisms, escape, anything to avoid actually feeling the sorrow and pain that comes with remembering my Pop. I don't know if you can see the dates clearly but Pop died in 2004. He's been gone 8 years this May. To be totally torn open like this shocked me. It feels excessive, unduly overwhelming. I've been pondering my reaction for several days, trying to make sense of it.
Then last night my dear friend gave part of our church's message; she talked about looking forward to what God will do this year, and about being honest about our hopes and desires and needs as we move out of 2011 and into 2012. I am not a resolution maker, but her words hit my heart like an arrow. She asked us to think of what type of year we wanted, what word or words we wanted to describe our journey. One word filled my mind. Healing. I want so badly for this year to one of healing and new growth and health. There are a lot of reasons for that, but as I sat there sorting through my mind I realized that even after 8 years I still need healing.
Pop was not an easy man to love, nor an easy father to have but he was the only one God gave me. I am still angry and hurt that He saw fit to take him back so soon. My dad never met my children--never even knew 'Kid was on the way since I didn't know myself until after his death. He never saw them crawl or walk or laugh or taught them any of the things he taught my nephew. He never took the trip we had planned to see his Mother overseas, the one I missed to give birth to 'Boy. He missed so very many things that make my life the joyous chaotic tangle it is now. He wasn't there to comfort me when I lost 2 babies to miscarriage, or when we buried his brother and his sister. He isn't here now for me to call if I'm uncertain about my parenting or to ask for advice.
All those missed experiences, missed memories, make the anger and hurt grow. I try to corral it with trite sayings about time easing pain and how Dad is in a better place. I try to tell my kids about their granddad and enjoy their delight in silly stories. But in the end, I feel like the wife in a book I read who simply wants her husband back so she won't give away his shoes because he'll need them when he returns.

And yet somehow I can live with joy and love and contentment still. The hope I feel for my own kids does ease my heart and gives me peace in its own way. Maybe that's part of the answer, the love that keeps growing around and through and over the hurts. Like a vine that won't stop for any obstacle the love just worms its way in and keeps building. If I were an artist I'd sketch that, a big lovely flowery vine lacing together wounded hearts and souls with its green tendrils. Maybe if healing is my word, that can be my image this year. To help me remember that even if the wounds seem untended the master gardener is always coaxing new growth and new loves to soothe and repair and re-build. I'll have to remind myself a lot this year. To remember to watch carefully for new shoots in unexpected places to help me grow.

Am I crazy?

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my mind. Do you do that? I'd like to believe other people, especially Moms, feel that way fairly often. It would make me feel less weird and more included. :)
It should be said that there isn't really anything crazy going on in our house right now. I mean, nothing beyond 7 people and a 90 pound dog in 1400 square feet with 1 bathroom. And preparing for Christmas. And helping Bill figure out what he wants to do when he graduates in May. And trying to teach the kids to love God and behave with a modicum of respect and kindness to each other and to us. When I put it like that I guess I can see why sometimes other people look at me strangely. Honestly though, so much of the time I just think "what's the big deal folks? this is my life, I don't spend time pondering how I will ever manage to care for all 4 kids because I'm too busy actually taking care of them. And Bill. And the dog. And Bob. And even myself sometimes. Do I get tired and frustrated? Regularly. Do I lose my temper over silly things more often than I'd like? Yes. That's because I, like most people, am not perfect. That used to really really bother me. I'm mostly over that now; don't misunderstand me I still spend more time than is probably useful berating myself over my shortcomings. Just not about not being perfect.
Anyway what I was trying to say was that while I sort of get why my life may look more complicated or crazier than some, I don't really understand why people act as though I am somehow heroically competent or strong or whatever just because I have several kids. I'm just a regular Mom, trying to keep everyone fed and marginally clean and reasonably adjusted. I don't shoot for well-adjusted, just basic adjusted.
I would, however, really like to spend more time on some hobbies. I feel like a few good creative projects would be therapeutic for me. But that's probably another post entirely. Have a good day.

It has been too long.

I have been very tired lately, and unable to find the drive to write even so much as a recipe. We have had all manner of events causing higher than usual amounts of upheaval and stress and I am learning that maintaining my equilibrium during these seasons is exhausting for me. To wake up each day and manage to engage with my kids, and keep them fed and clothed is often all I can do. No extra cleaning or phone calls to friends(even when I desperately need a chat!). No extraneous errands or duties of any kind. I simply cannot do it. I don't know why, since nothing that has happened has really been so horrendous. Crazy and unexpected yes, but not really so bad in the grand scheme.

Bob was laid off a few weeks ago, which was unsettling; but he will get some severance pay and has already found a new job which is better on several fronts. And our bank account was hacked into, but they didn't get much money and we've already been refunded and they chose one of the only days in months when stealing from us wouldn't push our balance into the negative numbers. And these 2 things together, along with some other timing issues does mean I won't be able to take a trip I was really hoping to take. I am sad to miss it, but I do believe the past few weeks were a clear sign that now is not the time for me to go on this particular adventure. Plus the baby wouldn't have done well with me gone for so long and that would mean Bob and the other kids wouldn't either.

I am learning a lot about myself right now though, and that is sort of tiring too. Things like this amount of change really really drains me emotionally and I need to be extra careful to intentionally continue pouring into my kids. If I don't consciously choose to interact with them I find myself turning on the tv for hours and ignoring their bickering and cries while I aimlessly surf the internet or even just watch with them. It is no way to live and I have to fight that urge constantly. Because honestly, the energy I seem to require to process changes like these seems ridiculous to me. So I am still trying to sift through the cobwebs and cyclones of my mind to understand where the shifts have happened and what they mean for me as I move forward.

I just feel like I ought to be stronger somehow, more able to soldier on and accomplish things. I thinks it is bizarre and a bit irritating that rather than nervous energy that makes me obsessively clean cupboards or write or do something productive, I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself. Just sit. Or maybe nap a little. What does it say about me that I covet this specific brand of compulsion, even though I know so many folks who find it suffocating to live that way?

I have no idea. But I will keep processing and trying to discern what it all means and praying and maybe eventually I'll figure out a few useful tips to share. It could happen right?

I think this may be pretty disjointed and hard to understand; that is probably because my mind is feeling disjointed and difficult to understand right now.

A little rambling, just because

A few weeks ago I got to spend the afternoon with my oldest friend. By oldest I mean longest-standing friendship. I have literally known her since I was 2. We hadn't seen each other in 7 years and I was shocked when she came up my sidewalk. I barely recognized her, this dear friend I used to see nearly every day for nearly 17 years. She looked so . . .old. I feel horrible even saying that; it sounds like such vanity and ridiculousness. My dear friend is my age and does not really look older than our 33 years. It was just that in my mind I see the teenagers we were, not the women we are. It was a jolt for me to immediately recognize her husband(whom I didn't meet until he was already in his mid-twenties) and to look at her and think "That can't be her can it? Much too mature." Ack.

That day after we had lunch I came home and looked in the mirror. Truly looked, and tried to remember my face as she must have been remembering it that morning. This may sound crazy, but I still usually feel like that loud, clueless, hyper, un-controlled young woman from 15 years ago. Despite the 4 kids and a decade of marriage and all that living I've been doing it still shocks me to think that my children, and people I meet now only see me as I am now. It doesn't seem strange to them for me to be a mother, or a wife or a homeowner or whatnot. It doesn't seem strange because they too are mothers and fathers and spouses and employees. They drop their kids at school and work and live like adults too. It made me wonder whether other people are surprised by their own maturity sometimes too? The strange-ness of imagining all of this struck me as hilarious. So I laughed and stopped staring in the mirror and went back to my life.

Then I had a conversation with a dear friend about how certain lifestyles "feel" more aligned with how we are designed by God, and how that pulls at both of us when we get a taste. She had been with some friends at an apple orchard and got a glimpse of a more rural, earthy life than she lives. Since we're both from more rural settings originally, I knew exactly what she meant. I live in a fairly large city, and the lack of open space and silence and overabundance of cement often chafes my soul. I miss cornfields and hay bales and empty fields I could wander through without worrying about trespassing(because I knew ALL my neighbors) or crime or safety. When I think of my kids looking back at their childhood one day, it makes me sad to think they may not have memories of building dams in little creeks or endless space to build forts and have adventures. Their lives will be different. Not bad, just different and sometimes it makes me wish things in our life were different.

Such is the wandering state of my mind. How about you?

Today is Friday

I think I will start doing some themed posts just to keep me writing. So since I so often hear 'Thank God its Friday' or TGIF, I think I'll use this as an opportunity to focus on what else I can Thank God for. How can I end that sentence without a preposition? It must be possible, but I can't figure it out.

Anyway, I am thankful for a visit with some wonderful relatives today who always make me feel like supermom.
I am thankful that Bob is on a fishing trip with a friend with whom he has been trying to plan a fishing trip for years.
I am thankful its a weekend trip and not something longer, so that I can avoid losing my mind at home with the children.
I am thankful my baby sleeps so very very well. Such a wonderful blessing to have (finally) a good sleeper.
I am thankful 'Boy is working so hard at learning self control, even though he doesn't really want to learn it at all.
I am thankful God is teaching me so much about my own need for self control, so that I can share that struggle with my wonderful son.
I am thankful Baby Girl(not the babiest anymore, but I can't decide on a new pseudonym) only stuck corn in her nose and not something more dangerous.
I am even more thankful our incredible doctor was able to shove said corn out the back of her nose into her throat, since it was in too far to pull out.
I am thankful for how well 'Kid reads, even though he's only six. Books are such treasures, I am excited to share more of them with him as he grows.
I am thankful for a quiet house and control of the remote this evening.
I am really, really thankful for the gift my brother sent us yesterday, because a box of fish is just a totally amazing gift. Have I mentioned how much I love food? I am an eater, not a fighter.
I am thankful my kids think a dinner of mac-n-cheese with bread & jam is perfectly acceptable and don't give me guilt trips over not preparing something more balanced.

That's quite a few things to be thankful for, and now I must go treat the sore throat for which I cannot honestly say I am at all thankful.

A new favorite quote

Today I read this quote from Lowell Bennion over at The Frugal Girl and it is my new favorite reminder to guard my thoughts and shepherd my own soul to the extent I am able.

“Learn to like what doesn't cost much.
Learn to like reading, conversation, music.
Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking.
Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills.
Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different from you.
Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction of doing your job as well as it can be done.
Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs.
Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things.
Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day.
Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others.”

That last line is echoing in my head right now and I hope to keep it there awhile. Anyone know how one learns to keep their wants simple?

Please read and give what you can!

http://thecharisproject.org/

This is a truly amazing organization and I wholeheartedly support what they are trying to do for refugee children in Thailand. They need money now to continue caring for those kids and to reach their goal of the orphanage becoming self-sustaining and therefore not need money later. It really isn't that much cash in the grand scheme of things, and as Carrien(one of the Charis Project founders) keeps saying, if 700 people give $10 that's all they need. I know how tight things are for most people right now, but I also now that even those of us on the tightest of budgets could probably find $5 or $10 dollars to share with such a wonderful cause.

Please visit their site and give if you can. Please. They run the risk of forfeiting some land they bought last year if they can't raise enough money. Losing the land means they also lose multiple opportunities to begin supporting themselves through agriculture and various businesses.

Thanks.