I wrote this shortly after my last post, but wanted to "tweak" it before I posted it. Clearly by tweak I mean ignore it totally for months. Re-reading it today reminded me of something I need to hear right now; my biggest enemy in my journey toward joy is me. Not my husband or our kids or the evening news or whatever other struggles exist in my life and the world. Just me. And my tendency to assume all the things are my fault. Just all of them, no matter how large or small or how closely or distantly related to my daily life; clearly I am responsible. The original post, sans-tweaking starts below:
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There are so many things about life on this planet we live on that are just hard. Unfair. Unjust. Wrong. So very many ills and tragedies and not quite rights to be found in every direction it seems. I get down-hearted about them all way too often. I let the darkness crowd out all the light and good that exists here too. I allow people who seek to harm, or create disharmony, or just plain start a fight for no purpose choke out the voices of those who wish to heal and love and bring peace and grace and light. Like a broken record--an idiom which is apparently out of date but I cannot bring myself to say 'like a dvd on repeat' instead--I repeat the angry, mean, hateful messages I've heard and it wears on me until I feel frayed and tattered. So much darkness and hate.
But what if I tried to live outside those shadows? What if instead of giving in to fear I lived bravely? What if I acted from a place of love and grace and courage each day? With my kids? My husband? How would my life look different if I was bold enough to love freely and without embarassment over whether I'd look silly or people would think I'm crazy or even (big gasp of anxiety here) disagree with my choices? What if it didn't matter to me anymore whether the cashier in the grocery store thinks I'm a good mother and my children are well behaved because I actually BELIEVED THOSE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF? What then?
Right now in my life the person most in need of hearing truth spoken in love is me. From myself to me. Lost? That's okay, I am too in many ways. Basically, I am learning that most of the lies and unhealthy voices pressuring me to make choices that won't help me grow or change or step out in faith these days are all coming from me. I have somehow managed to pick up a host of bad habits, unkind judgements, and just plain nasty untruths about me and my place in the world. These are what play on repeat inside my mind all day. So my tough truths all need to be full of a love big enough that it speaks loudly enough to be heard over a din of lies I've created all on my own.
So what to do with this little epiphany? Clue zero. Seriously.
Well when all else fails keep it simple right? So I will aim for just seeking the truth about me. Listening to what God says about his kids, and what people who love me say about me. And then reminding myself of those truths as often as necessary until they stick, and eventually drown out the chorus of ick I've been letting call the shots for so long.
Apparently, loving myself as God created me will require speaking truth to myself. Crazy huh?
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Part of drowning out the negative for me seems like it may need involve some length of time where I simply avoid all blogs, books, social media, or tv and just focus on prayer and scripture and probably journalling. I'm still not completely sure how that will look or if I will actually do it but I'll try to update here once I know. Because this blog sort of counts as journalling right?
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